November 29, 2016

just another

label: still here — CV @ 7:07 PM

No one seems to see the world the way I do …

Why do I have to be this effing freak? Why can’t I just be normal? Can’t even force it.

November 25, 2016

another moment

label: supergirl — CV @ 11:21 PM

Empty road. It is dark and it’s snowing.

Nighdriving into endlessness.

There is no other traffic, the music in the radio plays for the mood I am in and I am lost in thoughts. I love those moments. I love empty, dark roads. 

November 8, 2016

documentary “Human”

label: still here — CV @ 11:22 AM

I wrote about being just a human few days ago. Two days later I stumbled upon a documentary “Human“. Beautiful documentary! Those 3+ hours had healing influences. It is worth watching.

You can also find this movie in YouTube in 3 parts. Part 1 and Part 2 and Part 3.

November 7, 2016

the boxes and junk arrived

label: still here — CV @ 10:05 PM

So this is it. I got almost last of my stuff today. He forgot some things (actually the most important thing, the only thing that I need and want), but basically this is it. The car rolled into my driveway today with my stuff from His place and we are done. This relationship is finally really over. I actually do not care that we never talked or agreed on any of the stuff. I let it go. I don’t care. I don’t care about the things left behind. I also think, I got the closure. I don’t ask “Why?” any more. As He said, I was in a wrong place at a wrong time, just in the way. Because He was the reaction and reflection of me and my behaviour. So be it.

Everything in my life seems to start and end in November. My dreaded Novembers. This relationship with Him really started and also ended in November. So now we are done. In November.

There is a funny part to all of it as well. I have a TV now! Me, who is principally against TV’s. He brought the one, I bought for Him, over. I also have Ayra bibs (yes! BIBS!), and crib and other stuff along those lines. But I also have a tea mug :)

I am in sad mood tonight. Things end.

November 6, 2016

entitlement

label: still here — CV @ 12:59 PM

“Entitlement –  the belief that one is inherently deserving of privileges or special treatment.”

Declarations of love to you do not entitle you to love and understanding. Because you sacrificed a little or a lot, does not mean you deserve something in return. Common understandings and overall customs do not justify. Just because you did something, does not entitle you to something in return.

Entitlement raises expectations and those are prone to disappointment.

There have been two times in my life, when I strongly felt entitled to something and both times the outcomes were catastrophic. Arutu and Him. With both at one point in the relationship I felt like I am entitled to some things and the failure to achieve those broke everything. He is right, I was arrogant thinking that I deserved something and acted hurt when I didn’t get it.

I think I finally caught a behaviour pattern in my relationships, that I haven’t changed yet. I hope I am wiser in the next relationship (if there ever will be one).

November 4, 2016

another realization

label: still here — CV @ 12:12 PM

Our behaviours are reflections of each other. Reflect and react – possibly an endless cycle until we are bitter and mad, if we don’t step out of the cycle.

There is this thing bothering me – why the reflection of me and my behaviour is so cruel? What does that say about me?

November 3, 2016

human

label: still here — CV @ 11:50 PM

I had a full range of emotions public meltdown today. I totally made a scene, but I do not feel embarrassed and I am not sorry. I almost put my fist through a wall and I do not feel like I have to apologise for it. The impact of the feeling of powerlessness was so fierce, that I had to let it out. I didn’t trap those feelings into me, to destroy me later, just because that is the reasonable or correct way to behave. I am beyond reason. I am only a human and I have emotions. I react. Isn’t that what a human being is supposed to do? React?

I think I am OK. I really am. Better because of it, not worse. I feel human and somehow liberated from this “super human” expectation. I allow myself to be human and I do not have to apologise for it.

He is a human too. Different kind than me.

October 31, 2016

I am grateful

label: still here — CV @ 11:59 PM

… for evening walks in this landscape.                            2016-10-31-15-56-55-copy

thermo mug

label: still here — CV @ 12:07 PM

I put my coffee mug on the hood of my car to unplug the car and it took a dive to the concrete floor. That’s it. The life of my favourite thermo mug came to an end. Instead of feeling upset or sad or any other negative feelings, that I usually would, I felt relieved. My favourite mug broke and I felt relief.

The next thought was – how appropriate! Today, from all the days, the mug He gave me, broke. I moved out from His place exactly a year ago. I still don’t have closure, I still haven’t got all my things from His place, my heart is still broken and a range of all kind of other things, but judging on the feeling of relief I felt this morning – my stance has changed, my mindset has shifted. Something is different. It felt like a symbolic sign, that today I will throw this thermo mug to trash.

It was a perfect thermo mug, by the way. Orange and light and it fit into my hand and into my car.

October 30, 2016

I am grateful

label: still here — CV @ 11:12 PM

… for a day spent with Ayra: playing, laughing, eating, cuddling; no fuss, no stress, no fights.

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