Vaike Õiglane

Over 3 months without sex turns me into a total bitch.

I had forgotten about that.

Last week in Tallinn I had the danger of getting cold twice. First time sinisilm made me some hot tea and got me magic slippers to wear that warmed me up really good. Second time cut closer. I was actually shivering when I got to pilleriin’s place. Pilleriin, good soul, filled me up with ginger & green tea and even packed me some sugared ginger slices to go. Nothing warms your insides up better than ginger. OK, maybe cognac, but you can’t drink cognac in the middle of the day when you need to drive.

So here I am. At pilleriin’s place all warmed up and smiling in splash of sun.

I think I’ve done being a nice girl for a bit.

I cried myself to sleep again last night.

Last time I crashed and burned it took me 6 months to crawl out of that black hole and 3 years to let anyone close to me again. 4 months to go … One day at a time. Some of them better, some of them worse. Yesterday was one of those bad kind.

It will all only be a memory one day.

I woke up totally confused. Where? When? What? Why?

Home.
7 AM
Awake.
Alarm clock.

Damn! So much about my wonderful plan of sleeping undisturbed as long as I can.

I will do the dishes when I get home tonight. I know it is around midnight, but they have been there since sunday morning (I had some day&night working schedule for a change) and I want them out of the way. Then I will go to sleep. Sleep!

I will sleep as long as I want tomorrow. Switch off my phones and just sleep. Then there will be coffee in bed. I have a new mug* thanks to sinisilm. Coffee and laptop in bed. Ou! I will be lazy tomorrow (that is why I have to do the dishes tonight so they won’t distract my lazy behaviour). I will read all the news, I will watch all the TV series from last week, I will research Universities, I will … I don’t even know what I will all do! I only know I will be doing nothing a lot. The evening will be enjoyed with some good movie and wine. Or if happens that the need for tomato juice overwhelms me (read: go shopping), then I will make myself a bloody mary. That vodka I keep for medical reasons shall fulfill its purpose - reliever of stress and overwork.

45 min more to Helsinki’s Western Port, then some 20-30 min drive home (depending on traffic) and I can start with the plan. I’ve earned this weekend. Can’t wait!

* Look at this photo. Isn’t that mug just right for me?

Night at the office. I open my own internet bank to get to Estonian Tax- and Customs Board’s account. As always when passing by I check my bank balance and movements on my account.

Hmm …
Some man has paid me some money and the explanation is “flowers”.
Hmm …
Date is 01.03.2010 - I was definitely working that day 18 something hours. No men, no flowers.
Hmm …

Then I remembered. Pierro and my favour for her as Ikea is in my neighbourhood. Damn! I was hoping for a secret admirer, but no luck for me in romantic front!

Happiness isn’t to get what you want. It is about appreciating what you have. Will I ever get there? That state of mind, attitude? In a lot of ways, I am there. I think I’ve learned some things in my life despite my behaviour patterns. I may go after impossible, but I’ve learned to enjoy the ride and collect moments on my way there.

Drinks with Pierro yesterday. As always, we pick it up like we’ve never been apart.
“How is love life?”
“A mess. As always. Do you ever remember me being happy? Having it?”
“Yeah, I can remember few days, but it was among many other. I recall some when we used to be together on daily basis.”

I am an hopeless optimist. How else to explain 2 tickets to Pink concert? I seem to have high hopes in fact that I have someone to go with.