Vaike Õiglane

Why there isn’t a reset button for life? Please!?! I need one.

PS. No, things are not catastrophic. Don’t get me wrong. I am just so worn out and on the edge from all this uncertainty.

Lightning.
Rain.
Moon.

Yes, all at the same time. I was driving home from the office just before midnight.

My weekly report is late. I’ve been busy so there’s lot to tell about (+ the things I forgot the week before).

Sometimes I feel like I am cursed or something. As soon as I get one aspect in my life on a path to be fixed, the other one comes loose. Why do those aspects – professional, private and financial – can’t all be on a positive side at once? They remind me of a wheel – you turn it and at least one is always on a negative side. Grrrrh. I am a bit scared now. This turn of events at my work can turn to really nasty business for me. Stress is absolutely guaranteed.

What’s up with this jumpy work history of mine? Even if I work physically at the same place doing the same exact stuff for more than 1,5 year then at least the name of my employer will change, but mostly something else happens. How wonderful it must be to be working at the same place for more than 2 years. Routines and know-how.

I know what Prof. would say if I would be whining on his screen at the moment.

BURN THE WITCH!

So, lets leave it at that.

Has it been a week already? In many ways it has flown by and in many ways it has been another lifetime.

Ayra has been a wonderful kid this week. Well behaving, smiling, kissing, hugging girl. There have been bad moments and fits thrown at the table, but all in all I remember this week as “wonderful Ayra” week. It may help that the weather has been good and she has had the chance to be outside as much as she likes.

Other things happened this week. I cleaned the place spotless. Dentist visit. Too much work has been done. I went to Helsinki. Mother’s Day happened.

Work has taken the bad turn to unknown territory. Like I didn’t have enough uncertainty in my life already. Sigh.

I gave him another chance …

Almost forgot. Flowers!!! The wonderful surprise that my neighbour left me. One morning I looked out of the window, beginning this week, and there it was. Blue and white petals smiling at me from back yard.

At sunset I drove back home from Helsinki today. I don’t remember, when was the last time I was alone in the car. It has been … what? – ages! I thoroughly enjoyed it. Dance music as loud as my car stereo allows and singing along. It is such an energy kick to sing out loud and dance behind the wheel. Empty road (decent Finns are at home and in bed at 10PM Tuesday evening) and my favorite place to be – on the road. For a brief moment I was happy. To the core happy. Old good-mood-songs like Nightlight Duo “Jäljed liival” or Jam&Spoon “Right in the Night” or my favorite “hymn” Chicane “Saltwater” etc. Luckily I didn’t get to Leila K “Electric”, because that song always works pretty heavy on my right foot on accelerator pedal.

The sky! The sky was mellow, tender. Contrast to my energized being. Only pastel colours and feelings. That kind of tender blue belongs to summer, not spring, but here it was. Right here, right now. Twilight drive home.

That was the first half of the drive. Then the phone call came in. Yeah, for the last half of my drive home I was crying. Again.

That so perfectly describes my life right now. Roller coaster that I have no control over whatsoever. There are moments, when under the influence of lies, wrongful assumptions or just pure naivety, I manage to think that things are “one way”, only to find out a moment later, that I am so-so stupid to believe anything.

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. I should be ashamed, he has fooled me countless times already and I still fall for it. And will continue to do so probably for some time more. I can’t help it and I hate myself for it.

I have f***ed my life up royally. And I still don’t do anything about it …

After Ayra started eating herself I have been enjoying the morning routines. I enjoy my coffee while she shovels in her porridge and drinks her milk. Her morning porridge portion is as big as mine. So, all the other meals during the day, if she kicks and screams – I don’t mind any more. I know her base meal of the day was solid.

So. Those are my mornings nowadays. I enjoy my coffee in the morning sun admiring my daughter eating. She is so orderly! Takes her milk glass with two hands. Drinks. Puts it back on the table and picks up a spoon. Little miss is neat and has good manners. There is hardly any mess to clean.

PS. I almost forgot. The moment she hears that the cartoon is starting at Terevisioon, she literally drops everything and runs over to the my worktable to be seated in my chair.

I stole an idea from Mäemamma. Maybe I get more posts published this way and they won’t sit on draft folder. Don’t expect more photos. I am still me.

Monday started off in Estonia. Estonian Open Air Museum in the afternoon and Lord of the Dance show in the evening. This is the second time I went to see that show. The feeling, the vibe is awesome. I will definitely go again when they come around this way. Love it! Ayra enjoyed Open Air Museum. What else can a child want? Place to run around that has swings. Success!

Tuesday was work really early. Stressful morning at the office and then a ride back home. Ayra keeps climbing the stairs on the ship. She has had a lot of practice and she masters them by now. She seems to earnestly enjoy those Helsinki-Tallinn-Helsinki crossings. In the evening the bad news from work hit. Next 2 weeks will be “interesting”. Sigh.

Vappu. 1st of May. Biggest party in Finland. We had some grill and bubbly with neighborhood moms. Children playing and us enjoying the fair weather. It wasn’t that warm after all (or some other bug is going around) and Ayra was sick the next day. Of course those “interesting” things at work started happening at the same time. Why is it that an illness always comes when you are busy with all the other stuff? By Friday I was totally sick myself too. I still am, writing those lines. My head wants to explode, but I still managed to get in a full day work on Saturday, because I had already organized Ayra away from home so I could work.

Just another week.

:D This sounds like a report “Dear diary. I did this and that today and now going to sleep”. My ability to write is as rusty as it gets. The hectic life plays its part – the only moments I get to the computer – I work, because those moments of peace at the computer are rare.

Every time I manage to think that it can’t get any worse – it does.

Seriously. What’s next?

Swans are back. Spring is coming. In only one day my backyard has lost all the white patches.

The swans are back. That was the thing I wanted to share, because it was beautiful to watch their gracious flight today.