September 24, 2016

another morning

label: still here — CV @ 12:57 PM

Happiness is made of mornings like this. Cuddling with my girl, laughing and giggling and tickling and playing. Love fills every corner of the existence on mornings like this.

September 15, 2016

I will

label: still here — CV @ 5:23 PM

Up and down, up and down, black and white, black and white. Rollercoaster all the time. Can I please just exist for a moment? Have a closure with the old and then have a still moment before I move forward?

Stuck in panic attacks. Banging my head against the wall of misunderstandings and miscommunications. Feeling lonely and neglected in every way possible. I have cried for the whole lifetime worth of tears by now. I have cried for all the years I was the “tough girl”. I think I have paid for each wrongdoing in this lifetime and some in advance.

I want closure. I want to move forward. I want … I want peace. I want my head to clear. I want … I will.

September 11, 2016

pull-up

label: still here — CV @ 10:25 AM

Just another Sunday morning. Nothing special. School started this week so of course I managed to catch something and have been feverish for few days, but this morning I woke up and felt really good. I was going to the kitchen, to make coffee, when I suddenly felt the urge to try a pull-up. I have no idea why.

I did it! First time in my life I managed to do a pull-up. YESH!

I have never managed a pull-up in my life. Ever. So, this year I have been working towards it a bit and had a goal of making a pull-up before I hit 40. I was so suprised of the pull-up that I had to try it again, and again, before I actually believed that it had happen. I have managed a pull-up.

August 30, 2016

GG therapy

label: still here — CV @ 9:30 PM

Here we go again. GG therapy.

August 27, 2016

another moment

label: still here — CV @ 11:31 PM

I had a moment of desperation today. For the first time in my life it felt like I will never get over Him. Till now I have firmly belived, even in the darkest of moments, that time heals and everything passes, but today my faith wavered.

August 25, 2016

why not to flee

label: still here — CV @ 10:35 PM

I am constantly hurting. I hear His voice every day, when Ayra has her daily talks with Him. I usually try to leave the room (if it is possible), but I am constantly reminded of His existence and life. Now I also have to endure His new girlfriend’s voice and presents every effing now and then during the video calls Ayra makes. No, I am not big enough person to rise above it, it gets to me in a really bad way.

In the light of all this, I have to defend my decision to stay in His hometown to everyone, who cares about me. Especially here, in Estonia. Today I spent another hour arguing about why I do not distance myself from Him as it is so clearly destroying me. Why I do not take Ayra and flee – if not to another country then to the other side of Finland?

This decision has not been easy. I rethink and question myself every single day. If I would only think of myself – I would pack everything and go. It is an everyday struggle and I still have no idea, what will I do when I finally graduate and thus have more “freedom” to choose the geographical spot I exist in. I have few months left and some ideas. I have to constantly remind myself that Ayra has a right to have a father, that she has a right to her sister and brother, that she has a right to her own relationships. I can’t put my needs and wants above hers. No one seems to understand that argument and I don’t understand why. Am I really so wrong? I know that she also has a right to a happy and content mother, but a new geographical place will not magically heal me just like that. It would help, but it is not a magic pill. Healing has to come from inside and I know I am moving towards it every single day as time heals, no matter where I am, I am working on it.

Hearing my dark desire to flee, put into words, is tempting. So many times it has been presented to me like the only option available. Decision to stick around to give Ayra her options, has been labeled crazy. It is really hard to go against friends’ advice once again. Last time I did that – I stuck with the relationship with Him ignoring everybody and look where that took me. Damn, life is so much easier when you only make decision for yourself! Having responsibility for another human being is intimidating. I (once again!) envy His carelessness to do stuff and not think of the repercussions. It would be so much easier just to do things because I want to and that is it, but I am not built like that. I have that inner need to understand my actions and also to see the consequences.

I think it means that I try to stick with it as long as it makes sense to me. I wish I didn’t have to explain or defend this decision again and again and again. The truth is that I couldn’t face Ayra in 10 years time and explain to her any other decision as long as she only manifests her pleasure to interact with her father and siblings.

Marimetsa bog

label: still here — CV @ 11:21 AM

2016-08-24 17.18.41-1 copy

9 km yesterday with a 4-year-old in Marimetsa bog. She is a real trooper! No whining, no objections – she just enjoyed the whole trail. It seems like she actually likes the same thing I do – going places, wondering around.

I had not been in Marimetsa bog. I got the idea to go there from TT. The best part was at the end of the trail. There is a nice resting platform in front of 3 hollows and an old boardwalk around one of the hollows. The old trail is safe enough to walk, but scary enough for a 4-year-old to feel like the most adventurous thing she has ever done in her whole life. After we made one round together, she pleaded to go alone and I gave her permission. What a happy girl she was! And safe and careful. Otherwise bog is a bog with eerie landscapes, lot of wind and fresh air.

Oh I wish Finland would have the same kind of information available on trails like Estonia has! The information is so scattered and the trails are so confusing in Finland, that it is so much harder to find a place to go with Ayra.

August 21, 2016

for a reason

label: still here — CV @ 1:40 PM

It was a mistake. My mistake. Yet, I can’t regret it, because everything happens for a reason. Without this collossal mistake Ayra would not exist. She is the miracle of my life.

Two questions have been circling my head lately:

When two people love each other, but they can’t seem to get it together – when do you reach the point that enough is enough? I know the answer should be “Never!”, but I couldn’t fit it into my life as it was in conflict with my knowlegde. Now that I know the truth – it makes sense again. Also my own behaviour makes sense now. I couldn’t walk away, because for me it was “Never!” even beyond the breakup.

Was the high worth the low? This one is harder. I keep alternating between yes and no. Those high moments kept me going like a beacon of light for 7 years. This was my goal, to reach that state of being again. I have understood before – I have the tendency to look at the potential and ignore reality. So, was it worth it? I have to say, that the high was worth the pain. I know it every time I hug Ayra. Everything is worth her.

I’ve been down memory lane this weekend. Right now I am glad for my blog. There have been so many things I have forgotten or blocked out of my memory. Sometimes it is healthy to remember. I also realized that I should write more often, so I would rember (if needed).

August 19, 2016

BS

label: still here — CV @ 1:27 PM

So I did today something I thought I would never do. I snooped around. I wish I had done it long time ago! I’ve been punishing myself for not being able to do something, because I couldn’t get it together, that I didn’t try hard enough or … I really bought into His latest lies about how His new relationship started after the breakup. I am such an idiot! I felt it last summer, when it started, but I believed Him when He said, He has no one else. Bullshit! You don’t exchange half naked pictures with someone you don’t have anything going on with. I still don’t understand why men lie about things like that?

I’ve been torturing myself, because of His last birthday, that I messed up. I thought that it was the breaking point, why we never made it out of the fog. Today I learned, that He already had another by then. I knew He is the type, who never breaks up a previous relationship, without having a new one in place, but I wanted to believe He is telling the truth.

worth

label: still here — CV @ 1:55 AM

I am hurt. I am hurt because He is acting like I didn’t matter. Like there was no worth to me. He moved on so quickly that I didn’t even manage to get out of the way (my stuff is still at His place …).

It hurts like hell, because I gave everything I had to this relationship. I feel dismissed, betrayed, offended. He didn’t even need a moment to pause and reflect, before His really young new girlfriend moved in (into my daughter’s life as well). And now I am marked as the crazy one, again, just because I don’t like it and can’t cope with it so fast.

I’ve been trying to cope with it all this year, but I am failing miserably. It is easy to call it jelousy – it probably is in some ways. The truth is: I don’t mind that He found a new love, but I mind how He never took any time to grieve us. That makes me cry! It shows so clearly the lack of feelings, that I can’t even lie to myself about it. I mind that now He does all the things He neglected to me. It hurts to get the message of being a useless, worthless, unwanted, failure. I mind that He never gave me a chance to be the “best me” again, like I was in the beginning (ignorance is bliss!). And I mind all the lies He told and promises He broke.

I know that He doesn’t do it to hurt me. His life revolves around Him and His ego. I am just a casulty in His quest for enjoyment. But all that doesn’t help at all, because I am the one who’s hurting and His is the one who’s happy. I am the one grieving and He couldn’t care less. During some very dark moments I have even thought that He doesn’t deserve happiness; and then I remeber that everybody, including me and Him, deserves happiness, but I wouldn’t mind seeing at least some remorse over the things He has done.

Feeling so down. For the last few years I have not mattered to anyone except Ayra (the way children need us to feed them and for other stuff). It is hard to understand me. People in my life are tired of hearing a word about Him any more. “Get over it! You don’t want Him back! Over half a year has passed!” etc, etc. No one seems to understand, what I am trying to say, when I tell that it hurts, why it hurts. So I have tried to stop speaking, but that doesn’t help either. All I would need is just someone to understand me and make me feel like I am worth something, that I matter, that it matters if I live or die. I know it matters to Ayra. I have cried countless night-hours kneeling in front of her bed, holding her tiny hand in mine, to have a grip on reality.

To arutu I gave my freedom and my career. To Him I gave my sanity. And now I am broken.

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