Vaike Õiglane

November 14, 2015

just another

label: still here — CV @ 10:49 PM

Days without Ayra are the worst. All light goes out.

November 11, 2015

label: still here — CV @ 10:51 AM

My mind is racing day to day trying to figure out the survival strategy. It is not going well and some panic has emerged. Cornered in a swamp and I am drowning – that is how I feel. The requirements are as far from possibilities that my life feels like mission impossible. I don’t mind compromising, but I can’t even see what to compromise. Scary …

November 8, 2015

for the record

label: still here — CV @ 11:16 PM

Tonight is the first night that Ayra is here. I was so afraid, still am, because this place is a mess and I do not have many necessary things, but she is a trooper. At least for now she takes it as an adventure.

How the hell did I get here?

November 6, 2015

another reminder

label: still here — CV @ 10:45 AM

Life is unfair. Let it go.

November 2, 2015

another about Ayra

label: still here — CV @ 5:32 PM

It was bound to happen one day …

We were in a hurry to get out of the door to be on time for Ayra’s Monday activity. I kept hurrying Ayra to go and did not pay close attention to what she was saying. Especially after she ignored me forbidding her to go back in and grab a toy, what ended with a full coffee mug in the middle of the hall floor. Life with kids and usual stuff.

At one point I told her to get out of the door. She kept telling me that she doesn’t have her gloves yet (or at least this is what I heard) and I kept telling her that she doesn’t need them. It was +13C outside and I had just grabbed her gloves and tossed them in the bag. I almost pushed her out of the door.

We had made like 3 meters out of the door towards car when she said loud and clear:

“But Mom! I do not have my SHOES!”

FAIL! There she was, walking in her socks over gravel. In Autumn. FAIL!

Listen to your children. LISTEN TO YOUR CHILDREN! “Kingad” (shoes in Estonian) are not the same as “kindad” (gloves in Estonian).

November 1, 2015

welcome November

label: still here — CV @ 10:47 PM

Welcome November once again. Avoiding history repeating seems to be impossible. I was trying to move at least earlier, but it still happened in the turn of my favourite month to my least favourite. Like always. The most depressive month of a year to deal with life and soul in pieces.

So here I go again in a new place and single status.

The beginning of November and I am heartbroken. Situation is familiar and yet still always new. This time I really messed it up and I have run out of back-up plans.

October 19, 2015

another moment

label: still here — CV @ 4:35 PM

3:30AM. Tallinn is silent. The fog has wrapped itself like a blanket around the city. I stop and listen to cease another mesmerising moment.

I didn’t know a city can be so silent. The breathing sound of a city is always constant. Even Hämeenlinna and Harjavalta are never silent. One has a motorway running through the middle of it, and the other has the industry factories operating 24/7.

In this Monday morning 3:30AM fog, Tallinn isn’t breathing.

October 18, 2015

another moment

label: still here — CV @ 12:03 AM

Just for a moment I forgot that my life has changed. Just for a moment I forgot that He is not part of my life any more. In this tired state, in the middle of the night, I was thinking along the lines of “we”.

There are routines, that were there already before, and when you find yourself in a routine like that, it is so easy to forget that the context has changed. Until the reality hit me. With brutality. Knocking the wind out me. Making me feel surreal about myself and my life and everything around me.

His life is his.

My life is mine.

There is no more us.

Damn it hurts. It really hurts. I can’t imagine my life without Him, so I just have to learn, one day at a time. I love this saying about possible things “If you can imagine it, you can achieve it.”. How can I live without him, if I can’t imagine it?

October 15, 2015


label: still here — CV @ 11:07 PM

Happy birthday to me!

I finished my to-do list just few minutes shy of midnight. I do have day off, even my must to-do list is empty for the day. I did take some things into my new temporary home today. Oh, how I wish in some future I would have a home. Just home not a temporary one, but for now, another temporary place should do.

Sadness. Not so new in my birthdays for past years. At least I am not angry or raged. That is good. There is no fear of getting older. I don’t mind. But I definitely do mind that I am still loose. I sometimes wish I had those problems – fear of getting old and similar – instead of the ones I have.

Sitting here with a sip of cognac and listening to ever so masterful Yo-Yo Ma.


October 14, 2015

another question

label: still here — CV @ 11:40 PM

Friend of mine asked a question the other day that has been nagging on me ever since. It went along the lines of something like, maybe we are the kind of people, who need to live separately to have a good relationship.

Slippery-slippery road for my week mind. Ray of hope to kill the reasonability. So the only way out of this swamp was to think it trough. I finally came to the conclusion that no, he may be, but I am not. I need someone to share my life with, I have always looked for a partner. Equal. To talk, to love, to share.

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