July 8, 2018

new home

label: under an oaktree — CV @ 1:00 PM

So here I sit, under an oakteee, in a garden swing having a coffee. A light blue house at the edge of Espoo. The first load is in a washer. It has been 3 weeks since I last had an opportunity to run the washing machine. Even now the machine is in the middle of the bathroom, so I have to climb over it to get to the shower. But I don’t mind … new home. I feel good here.

Shapeshifter’s room is pink, green, yellow and magneta as she requested. Her room is mostly ready with only one piece of furniture left to assemble. All the other rooms are in chaos.

I have a bedroom! A real room with a bed and a door. After resent years I appreciate the simple luxury of it. A room and a bed and a door.

There is a good vibe to this place. I fell in love with the enourmous oak the moment we first came to see the house.

So here I am – happy under an oaktree.

May 30, 2018


label: still here — CV @ 9:55 AM

Life has changed. A lot. To the directions I would have not imagined.

October 12, 2017

another morning

label: still here — CV @ 9:58 AM

I opened my eyes almost an hour before the alarm again. I still haven’t learned to sleep, but it is getting better and I am working on it. I turned towards the window and smiled. The whole square of the window was filled with the view of yellow leaves. The sun was about to rise, thus giving everything outside a golden hue. Birds were already up and about flying back and forth between the feeder and that golden birch.

It is nice to start your day with a smile. I’ve been quite happy lately. It is scary and exciting, when a new person comes to your life.

September 15, 2017

another moment

label: still here — CV @ 8:04 PM

There is nothing in the world to describe the feeling of your child’s hand caressing you. That is the most gentle and genuine touch I know.

August 24, 2017

skydiving summer is ending

label: still here — CV @ 10:53 AM

I am feeling sad today. Winter is coming and the Autumn is almost here. People are leaving the DZ and it makes me really sad. There are people leaving today, whom I am going to miss a lot. A lot. Especially the laughs and the smiles. I didn’t even realise how fond of these people I have become, till today. I will say goodby with tears in my eyes.

Ominousness of the lonely winter ahead of me. I shouldn’t let the panic to creep up on me like that, but sometimes it does, when I am feeling as sad as today. That reminds me, that there are only another 10 days and I will be saying goodby to this DZ as well for this year.

August 2, 2017

just another

label: still here — CV @ 9:03 PM


I miss home. I miss Estonia. Especially now in August.

August, my favourite month. I love the dark nights, warm days and the sounds of that month. It is different here in Finland. The sounds, the sensations are not the same. I miss my August.

July 31, 2017

Summer’17 so far

label: still here — CV @ 12:21 AM

So, what my summer is made off. Let me tell you.

Music, music, music! Smiles and hugs. People. Being busy.

Skydive Finland and Utti. Lassi & LP & Hanski. Skydiving and students. Teaching people to fly and loosing myself into the activity. Skydiving family. Sleeping in the tent. Sleeping in the hammock. Staying up till late and playing animal pyramid or cards or just plain talking and laughing. Drinking and parties (few crazy parties). Sauna. Big way skydiving (again, finally!).

Pori and Skydive Pori. Not wanting to go home. Good laughs and fun jumps. Feeling well.

Shapeshifter. Visits to Estonia and our relatives. Midsummer Estonian style. Strawberries and sweet peas. Hiking with my brave girl in Repovesi. Olhavavuori & Mustalammenvuori. Camping. Tykkimäki amusement park. Hugs and kisses and statements of love. Me and my girl – we get along now without fights. Boat ride at the sea. Ice-cream again & again & again.

Road. Countless hours on the road and in the car. Alone, with shapeshifter, with Lassi … Driving and wanting to stop the moments. Views and thoughts. Talks. Lifters.

Exercising. Walks and nordic walking and boxing and weight lifting. All of that, but a bit less than last year.

Being disappointed in certain people. I still manage to believe, what people say and then they fail to live up to their words. Dealing with it. Asking for help.

New experiences. Naked photoshoots. Dancing without fear. Being turned down buy a guy. Threesome kissing. Trusting my gut. Liking someone, but walking away. Being brave. Trying to be free.

Friends. Hot tub & sparkling. Talking till morning. Insightful talks with prof. I also finally made it to Tartu. Friends are the best.

There was a moment in the beginning of this Summer, when I realised that everything is probably at its worst. There was no point of worrying about anything any more. So I decided not to care. There is/was nothing to loose. I decided to live and I have lived this Summer. Third is still yet to go. I think I will get some more stuff done.

July 30, 2017

another moment

label: still here — CV @ 11:19 PM

Shorts and T-shirt, no helmet, sunglasses and serene mind. I exited at 1000m, alone on the jumprun. Hop & pop on the last load of the day.

Alone in the sky.

There are different sounds, when you jump without a helmet. The noise of the canopy is different, the rush of the wind past your ears, but when you hit the breaks – the silence is suddenly there.

At 700m I was sitting on deep breaks enjoying the silence and the view on the world. Low sun and the forests and the lakes. Beautiful end for this beautiful Sunday.

I landed and walked back to the hangar to pack with my soul reloaded. There are moments worth living for. I have to remember them.

July 26, 2017

no winning

label: still here — CV @ 12:21 AM

There is no winning. Just living, moving forward.

May 19, 2017

another moment

label: still here — CV @ 9:27 PM

Unbelievably beautiful evening on the sea. Leaving Tallinn at sunset. The whole city is wrapped in a light blue hue of a warm spring evening. The sky is blue and pink and orange and violet and … pastels all over. It would be perfect to sit on someones arms and watch the sunset. It is totally OK to be here alone too. Being alone doesn’t make those moments less beautiful, I just have the desire to share all the beautiful moments I encounter in my life.

PS. My favourite cherry tree in Tallinn is in full blossom. Spring is finally here.

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