Vaike Õiglane

Evening. Night already to be exact. Time to go to sleep. I’ve done all evening routines and I am finally in bed. Flashback from last night - coughing! I am intelligent being, I can learn from previous experience. I take the bottle of cough syrup and pour myself a dose. Then I spill that on me.

Did you know that cough syrup is actually sticky? Blaah! On my nightgown, on my bedlinen, on me … Time for another shower and some changing. I hope that I will not cough tonight after all the trouble I went through with this cough syrup.

I looked into a mirror today and pretty normal looking me was staring back at me. I think this flu’s back is broken and I am starting to get back to normal.

I miss thunder. I wish it would clear the air. To help me breathe. I’ve been feverish for a week already and it isn’t easy being sick in the middle of the summer. I can’t breathe. My throat is sore and my nose doesn’t support normal airflow. Fever in this heat is not the best thing.

I see nightmares from time to time. About my ex. Last night was extra vivid. Somehow I was back together with him and I had no way out. It wasn’t in the past. It was in the future and I knew all I know about him and us and how we don’t work, but in my dream I had to be with him and stay with him. I was terrified in my dreams. I woke up terrified.

Damn flu.

There is probably never any thunder in Helsinki.

I am possessed or something. Outcome of my yesterdays idiocy is that my special somebody has a doubly broken finger. Great! I definitely know how to fuck things up.

Maybe I shouldn’t jump.

Today was the day they broke the heat records here in Finland. Hottest day for decades. Hot and sticky. I was at the office and sweat was just pouring down my neck and back.

How do people cool off? Most go swimming. Shower is also an option. My brother likes to take his bike for a ride. I go skydiving.

Of course - I shouldn’t try to drown myself or kill my special somebody while doing it. It just wasn’t my day today. Most things were trying to go astray in some ways. Sunstroke?

Halli pilvise taeva all
On mu hing & mu keha
Raske minna on edasi
Tahax midagi teha
Pihkudes vihma pisarad
Suvenaeratus huulil

Kõik on kusagil olemas
Selles lõputus juulis
Aeg on kaotamas tähendust
Kõik on ikkagi sama
Kes kyll õpetax mind
Vähem armastama

Liisi Ojamaa

I can’t help but feeling “too little, too late”. It annoys the hell out of me. I want to shut it out. I want to … I want a lot of things … Why are we humans made like this? Never happy with what we got? Why can’t I be happy about it? I would have been … a year ago. Now I have to fight so I wouldn’t see it as tarnished, broken, sad, desperate … I don’t know if others can, but I can’t take old dreams, brush the dust off of them and want them again. The moment has gone. It feels wrong.

My mind is playing tricks with me. I feel like screaming and kicking without any reason. Restless. Unsatisfied. Angry. Why I am so angry and will I ever get over this anger?

You have more freckles on your nose than you can count. Your fingers are constantly red from all the strawberries and cherries you are eating. Your skydiving gear travels with you all the time. Rain makes you sing and dance in it. Sound of thunder is like a lullaby in the tent.

It is Summer!

The most amazing thing happened today. I marked the last thing done on my to-do list, closed the office door behind me and headed out to DZ. Vacation!