December 30, 2016

still pining away

label: still here — CV @ 7:41 PM

Shapeshifter’s birthday party was yesterday and I spent 2 hours in His company.

And today I am in another deep dark hole. I couldn’t get up in the morning (partly because of the sleepless night, partly because of depression) and actually I didn’t. This has not happened for a long time, that I can’t even get out of the bed. I thought I was over Him! I really thought that I am finally in a safe zone, that I can handle seeing Him, dealing with Him. I hate being wrong. Being wrong sucks as it makes you make mistakes and lower your guard. So I spent another day this year today feeling as all light has gone out and nothing matters. Whole year of the same. It ends as it started. Pining away.

There has been some progress. There has been a lot of progress, I know. I usually even feel it, but not today. Today was the last day this year I feel down because of Him. I am not gonna give Him tomorrow.

Few lines from this song, keeps playing in my head.

Hope that you fall in love
And it hurts so bad
The only way you can know
You give it all you have
And I hope that you don’t suffer
But take the pain…

There are moments when I wish I didn’t give all I have. Sometimes I think that He was never worth me or my love, and then I think the opposite again. That’s my burden – I don’t know how to love without giving it my all. This is not the first time I crash like that. It should give me hope, because I have survived the other 2, but the truth is, that the past makes me even more scared. I know how much time/how many years it takes me to get over someone I loved, really loved with everything I had. Also the past was easier, it wasn’t that messy. He is. I am afraid that I will stay alone, because I will be too scared to give my all again. At the same time, I can’t believe that love exist without giving it all. So …

December 27, 2016

shapeshifter is 5

label: still here — CV @ 1:53 AM

I have outdone myself. Me and kitchen – we do not belong together, but today I made a cake for my sweet girl. My first cake ever. Edibility will be seen tomorrow when the jury is up.

5 … Time flies and yet it is standing still. There is so much in every day and moment, and at the same time those moments are a flurry.

There is one thing I have learned in those 5 years – love grows, it actually does.

Happy birthday my shapeshifter! I love you to the end of the universe (so not a single tip of you hair would go unloved as we say).

December 17, 2016

Human – The Sources

label: still here — CV @ 10:15 PM

Estonian television is showing the French documentary “Human – The Sources”, what I talked about over a month ago. Subtitles!

December 7, 2016

just another

label: still here — CV @ 10:45 PM

Crash. Just another crash. Last month was already quite good! Why again? Will I ever get out of this swamp of emotions? I’m not able to be a good mom tonight. I can’t deal. I am barely existing tonight. I am so sorry my dear child that I am such a mess.

November 29, 2016

just another

label: still here — CV @ 7:07 PM

No one seems to see the world the way I do …

Why do I have to be this effing freak? Why can’t I just be normal? Can’t even force it.

November 25, 2016

another moment

label: supergirl — CV @ 11:21 PM

Empty road. It is dark and it’s snowing.

Nighdriving into endlessness.

There is no other traffic, the music in the radio plays for the mood I am in and I am lost in thoughts. I love those moments. I love empty, dark roads. 

November 8, 2016

documentary “Human”

label: still here — CV @ 11:22 AM

I wrote about being just a human few days ago. Two days later I stumbled upon a documentary “Human“. Beautiful documentary! Those 3+ hours had healing influences. It is worth watching.

You can also find this movie in YouTube in 3 parts. Part 1 and Part 2 and Part 3.

November 7, 2016

the boxes and junk arrived

label: still here — CV @ 10:05 PM

So this is it. I got almost last of my stuff today. He forgot some things (actually the most important thing, the only thing that I need and want), but basically this is it. The car rolled into my driveway today with my stuff from His place and we are done. This relationship is finally really over. I actually do not care that we never talked or agreed on any of the stuff. I let it go. I don’t care. I don’t care about the things left behind. I also think, I got the closure. I don’t ask “Why?” any more. As He said, I was in a wrong place at a wrong time, just in the way. Because He was the reaction and reflection of me and my behaviour. So be it.

Everything in my life seems to start and end in November. My dreaded Novembers. This relationship with Him really started and also ended in November. So now we are done. In November.

There is a funny part to all of it as well. I have a TV now! Me, who is principally against TV’s. He brought the one, I bought for Him, over. I also have Ayra bibs (yes! BIBS!), and crib and other stuff along those lines. But I also have a tea mug :)

I am in sad mood tonight. Things end.

November 6, 2016

entitlement

label: still here — CV @ 12:59 PM

“Entitlement –  the belief that one is inherently deserving of privileges or special treatment.”

Declarations of love to you do not entitle you to love and understanding. Because you sacrificed a little or a lot, does not mean you deserve something in return. Common understandings and overall customs do not justify. Just because you did something, does not entitle you to something in return.

Entitlement raises expectations and those are prone to disappointment.

There have been two times in my life, when I strongly felt entitled to something and both times the outcomes were catastrophic. Arutu and Him. With both at one point in the relationship I felt like I am entitled to some things and the failure to achieve those broke everything. He is right, I was arrogant thinking that I deserved something and acted hurt when I didn’t get it.

I think I finally caught a behaviour pattern in my relationships, that I haven’t changed yet. I hope I am wiser in the next relationship (if there ever will be one).

November 4, 2016

another realization

label: still here — CV @ 12:12 PM

Our behaviours are reflections of each other. Reflect and react – possibly an endless cycle until we are bitter and mad, if we don’t step out of the cycle.

There is this thing bothering me – why the reflection of me and my behaviour is so cruel? What does that say about me?

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