April 26, 2016

another morning

label: still here — CV @ 12:56 PM

I had driven for 40 minutes already, when I finally registered – the ground was white. The snow had melted weeks ago already! This morning it was all white again.

April 17, 2016

still an owl

label: still here — CV @ 3:05 PM

My “learning to sleep” project is not going so well. For some reason I keep finding myself up and about at 3AM. I have always been like that – night crawler. I totally understand and acknowledge, that it isn’t an healthy lifestyle, but my corrective actions keep failing.

April 16, 2016

another morning

label: still here — CV @ 6:17 PM

Tallinn, 3AM. 3 hours before sunrise in the darkness. I parked my car and started for home, but I stopped mid-step. The noise was loud.

This is how the night sounded:

April 13, 2016

another morning

label: still here — CV @ 9:05 PM

I dropped the ball. I got up and then decided to go back to bed and not to school.

April 12, 2016

another song

label: still here — CV @ 9:05 PM

just another

label: still here — CV @ 4:46 PM

Only thing that seems to help is writing just as it comes pouring out of me. So, this blog is my therapy. (more…)

another day

label: still here — CV @ 1:23 PM

I have a really black day today. I want to drop all the balls, run under the bus and be done with it. I can’t handle the pain. I can’t handle my life. I don’t know how to change my attitudes for real, so the pain would stop.

… btw, spring is here and the sun is shining.

April 5, 2016

just another

label: still here — CV @ 9:31 PM

I wish I had someone in my life. Rebound. Yet, at the same time I only want Him. Still. I hate myself and my stupid, stupid heart, but He bewitched me and I can’t even imagine wanting anyone else. I sometimes just look around with a question: Would I even feel the slightest attraction towards anyone?, but there is not even an inkling of appeal.

I am like a broken record. 7 years and still I have the same “song” on. I really hope that I can read one day those posts and assert, that it really passed, because everything does. But what if I become one of those crazy spinsters crying over the one that got away?

Be still my beating heart.

PS. And totally off topic. I learned today in school that I know and can explain the difference between socialism and communism. Just like that, without any “preparation”, on a sudden argument. I wonder what other knowledge my mind has stored away?

April 1, 2016

another realization

label: still here — CV @ 11:19 PM

I am not jealous type. Never been. Jealousy is something that confuses me and scares me.

For the last few months, I have been trying to figure out is it jealousy, what I am feeling? Or why His new girlfriend bothers me so much? One side of it is the unfairness of it all, but that wasn’t the final answer, because it kept bugging me. Until it hit me today. I am offended (even outraged)! If he would have put the same effort to our relationship, Ayra would still live with her mother and father. If he would have put the same effort and resolve to our relationship, we could have fulfilled our potential. There is also the implication of not being worthy that offends, but the core of it is the regret of missed opportunity to live up to our potential. Never getting the real chance.

Insult to injury – on top of a broken heart I have to witness how everything he told me to be impossible, suddenly becomes possible with someone else. And I know it isn’t because I wasn’t worthy (or maybe this is the case, but I want to believe otherwise), but because I layered the groundwork for it and now someone else has it easier. Life is unfair, let it go!

another song

label: still here — CV @ 9:27 PM

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