Vaike Õiglane

April 16, 2014

one of those days

label: haven — CV @ 1:53 PM

So … Today is one of those days … Panic attacks …

I crawled out of my hiding for a day today. Things to do and people to meet. I am afraid that someone may actually ask how am I doing. I am afraid that I break down and truly answer. I am afraid that I will not be able to keep up appearences. Not after this morning’s meltdown.

It is annoying how tiny little things throw you off course like that. A reflection in a mirror makes you crumble under the apprehension of how little control you have over anything in your life. Suddenly all the barriers are down and you a drowning under the thoughts and fears that you have managed to keep out for a while by building up routines in the middle of chaos. You can actually deceive yourself methodically with everyday patterns. Illusion of order. Illusion of control.

April 12, 2014

another realization

label: haven — CV @ 8:15 PM

Skydiving makes me happy.

April 10, 2014

paperwork

label: haven — CV @ 11:08 PM

My paperwork finally reached me. It only took 8 months, after I signed my application, till the USPA AFF rating papers reached me. USPA processing time was around 2 weeks only, the other 7,5 months my papers were … I won’t start ranting about it. I’ve had my fair share of meltdowns and irritation bursts. This has been just another annoying thing I have had to deal with during this nightmarish last year.

Anyway … the papers are here! I will drive to DZ this Saturday again (did it last weekend also) to try to open my season (which didn’t happen last weekend due to strong winds) and hopefully I can get my Finnish paperwork rolling too so I am all ready for this season. I actually am excited! Even in my deep dark hole – I am excited and smiling on the prospect of getting in the air again.

Other thing that came through today was an e-mail about my final payslip. I’ll see tomorrow if my bank account sees some money too. I have been annoyed because of it for a week as by law you are supposed to get your final wages on your last working day which for me was already a week ago. I thought I have to fight to get this thing sorted out too. I don’t want to fight. I am too tired, too numb, too … I really hope it goes the way it supposed to go now after this hiccup. I sent an e-mail last Thursday and then Friday about the subject, but those were ignored. Frustrating. At lest now I have some reply. I really hope I also get my paperwork in mail tomorrow or in the beginning of next week and I can finally sigh with a relief.

April 4, 2014

4.4.2011-2014

label: haven — CV @ 10:43 PM

Officially I had a last day with this employer today. 3 years to the day. In many ways I am so happy to leave. Last 12 months have been the hardest in my working experience. All things combined – stress at work and unsorted personal life – has left me in pretty bad shape. Unhinged. I waited for this day, longed for it. Yet, there is no feeling of liberation.

I am afraid, scared as hell. I am a single mom in foreign country and I have no clue what’s next. I know (or I hope?) I manage. My experience tells me that I manage, but the lack of plan unnerves me. I also know that there is a deeper problem that drives me right now – the lack of home. It wouldn’t matter as much if it were just me, at least I don’t think so, but with Ayra I feel the obligation to settle and I have no clue or idea or even a slightest desire about “where”. Everything else would depend on that. So it feels like if I can’t answer this basic question “where”, then I can’t think of anything else either.

The hardest part is that I have been trying to answer that question for years already with no answer …

Where?

March 31, 2014

another about Ayra

label: haven — CV @ 11:08 PM

Summertime madness …

She was still singing in her bed really loudly around 10PM. I went to tell her:”Shut your mouth and eyes.”, and she replied “Sorry mom!”, stayed quiet for 2 minutes and started off again. That was pretty funny.

For some reason Lana Del Rey “Summertime Sadness” is on a loop in my head with a word madness in it.

March 30, 2014

another spark

label: haven — CV @ 3:09 PM

I don’t know how long I haven’t touched my guitar. It has been at least 5 years or so. Ages and an eternity. So today I dusted it, tuned it and played. Now my fingers are sore, but I can’t stop smiling.

March 24, 2014

another about Ayra

label: haven — CV @ 11:55 PM

When I was pregnant, I felt a bit sad, that I couldn’t work out a cute nickname for Ayra. Everybody else seemed to do so. Yeah, I envied all those bubbles and tinies and so on. A bit, I guess I want to be girly as well. Even pink from time to time.

When we were having those heated arguments about her name – my demand was that the name has to be really short, so there is no way to twist it into any nickname ever. I dislike those nicknames that come from persons name. I have the short name myself but some people in my life have been able to even twist that. Grrhh.

Yet, now my little girl has a nickname. She chose it herself. She uses it with persistence. Every day and all the time. “Tüdu” – a mix of Finnish and Estonian from a word girl. Even yesterday when the doctor asked her “What’s your name?”, her answer was “Tüdu!”.

March 23, 2014

another morning

label: haven — CV @ 10:32 PM

The starlings have arrived. There were 3-4 of them behind my window this morning. Spring is here.

My coffee machine ended its contract. No coffee until I get well and can go shopping. Niuts!

March 22, 2014

cranky whiny

label: haven — CV @ 11:52 PM

There are two of us ill here. Me and Ayra both. My head hurts like hell and energy (along with any patience) is low. Ayra is just coughing and sneezing and generally miserable.

Two of us cranky and whiny. Days go along the lines of whining, yelling and crying. For both of us.

I am such a failure as a mother right now. Today I actually had a thought that Ayra would be better off with her father as I am such a nerve wreck. Of course that is not true, but the fact, that for a moment I thought that, startled me. I also started to wonder – am I really just not suited for motherhood or can’t I just handle this single parenting stuff. I so hope the latter, but there is a little voice of doubt inside of me that says, that it can be the former as well. I never know. I live here and now and fail at parenting in exactly in those circumstances there are.

March 1, 2014

another morning

label: haven — CV @ 11:00 AM

old-typewriter-on-dusty-desk
Do you also feel like all you ever do is dusting? I can swear that I dusted just the other day, but in this morning’s sunlight all I see is dust everywhere. Grrrh! The upside of grey overcast – no visible dust.

March is here. It started with sunny morning :)

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