Vaike Õiglane

February 9, 2016

no words

label: still here — CV @ 11:11 PM

There is so much to write about. I have written dozens of posts in my head, but the moment I sit down behind the computer, the words disappear. There are dozens of written posts on paper or in my phone, iPad or even computer, but … there is a wall there to publish anything. A fight about my writing once again and in my current state of mind … I just can’t take the additional stress.

And of course there are also “better” things to do. Like sorting, sorting, sorting and throwing things away and trying to figure out how to fit myself into this small apartment. I hate those boxes. The hard thing about it is, that I know I will move again. So it means packing and boxing again. All that in the light of unpacking boxes that where packed in May 2012.

Ou, and of course I and Ayra managed to catch the influenza that hit our County pretty hard. I am still recovering from it. My immune system is pretty down I guess with all that stress and heartbreak I am going through.

I am hurting.

January 20, 2016

another realization

label: still here — CV @ 1:30 AM

I think I really dislike people who command silence. Those who can cold-heartedly just stone-wall you. I sometimes wish, I would be able to do that, and then I remember how awful it is to the one being ignored.

I am really, really bad at the receiving end of it. It literally drives me insane.

January 18, 2016

full circle recycle

label: still here — CV @ 10:45 PM

I bought a really nice light blue cardigan way, way ago (when I was young and beautiful). I think maybe 15+ years ago? Anyway, nice quality cardigan that I wore not daily, but often enough. Then I managed to wash it once on a cycle too hot for it and it shrunk. So I gave it forward, for someone smaller than me to use it. I know that later a hole was torn into one of the sleeves, so she moderated it for her baby girl. Last time I got a bag of clothes for Ayra from her, I found my old resewed cardigan in the bottom of the bag. I love the moderations she made. The cardigan looks really good. A year, and it will fit Ayra.

I feel stupid today

label: still here — CV @ 12:33 AM

I feel so stupid right now. Why do I always ignore the facts? I have the gift of acquiring information. Information always finds its way to me, even when I am not looking, but sometimes I want to ignore the truth so much, that I manage to deceive myself and put the knowledge aside. Of course it can only end with me landing face first in the dirt. Like now. But I never learn.

Now I have that burning knot in my stomach. It is really difficult to draw a deep breath, because there is no room for air. There is only that burning hurt, shame … a knot of my being. “I do not want to think! I do not want to know!” are the only yelling thoughts circling in my head. I am too afraid to let myself think anything else. I hold on to hope that maybe, just maybe, if I manage to avoid thinking about it, then it will go away or I will avoid the crash. Yet I know that when I go to bed tonight, I will crash. There is no escape of your thoughts, when you want to fall asleep. So I decided to take the easier path and write. Maybe it helps (even if I talk around the corners) and I will get some sleep.

… and I know I will be in some black hole for awhile now …

January 10, 2016

just another

label: still here — CV @ 11:49 PM

I have been pondering about a decision for 3 weeks. Today I finally decided that I am too tired to swim against the current any more. I decided to give up and let go of another dream/idea/plan I have had for as long as I can remember. Not always on the front, but always lurking somewhere in the background.

Ayra is a child only once in her life. I can choose not to do some things out of egoism for some years. My other decisions are taking a toll on her anyway.

So, I am going to write an e-mail now, that I am not going to Canada. Again.

January 1, 2016

another Happy New Year

label: still here — CV @ 1:30 AM

Do NOT say New Years resolutions will fail. I quit smoking as one of my New Year’s resolution. It was one of the hardest things I have done in my life, but I did it. I know it has been 8 years since that resolution, but today I suddenly remembered that. They keep telling in the radio and in other media not to make resolutions, because those resolutions fail. Don’t believe that. Make a promise and commit to it.

I do make New Year’s resolutions this year. -15kg as a goal (whenever I reach it, even if it will be next year), learn to sleep and I want to fall in love again. I want to prove myself that it still exists (butterflies, I mean). I am so down and so depressed and so lost of light. I want to believe again and even if it is just a fling, it would be enough to prove that chemistry exists.

Yesh, Happy New Years!

I think it is becoming a tradition, that I will spend all my New Year’s in Finland alone. That is just it. Somehow I am becoming used to it. This year was no exception.

November 14, 2015

just another

label: still here — CV @ 10:49 PM

Days without Ayra are the worst. All light goes out.

November 11, 2015

label: still here — CV @ 10:51 AM

My mind is racing day to day trying to figure out the survival strategy. It is not going well and some panic has emerged. Cornered in a swamp and I am drowning – that is how I feel. The requirements are as far from possibilities that my life feels like mission impossible. I don’t mind compromising, but I can’t even see what to compromise. Scary …

November 8, 2015

for the record

label: still here — CV @ 11:16 PM

Tonight is the first night that Ayra is here. I was so afraid, still am, because this place is a mess and I do not have many necessary things, but she is a trooper. At least for now she takes it as an adventure.

How the hell did I get here?

November 6, 2015

another reminder

label: still here — CV @ 10:45 AM

Life is unfair. Let it go.

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