Vaike Õiglane

October 2, 2015

another moment

label: still here — CV @ 9:49 PM

Why can’t we choose the moments we will remember?

It never happens like that. My subconscious decides, what is it, that will vividly be in my mind in years to come. Down to the smells and light …

And then I find myself remembering surprising moments. Not the ones I sometimes so desperately try to hold on to.

Those fade away.

September 30, 2015

another about Ayra

label: still here — CV @ 1:43 PM

My little music lover, who also loves being in control. The perfect mix for a conductor.

September 27, 2015

freaky me

label: still here — CV @ 1:59 PM

I would have expected anything. I could think anything else, but not that.

He actually does not like me.

7 years later and he only now finds out/tells me – that he doesn’t like my essence. He probably liked the idea of me, but he never realised that he doesn’t want to be in a relationship with a person like me. How many people got hurt on the way, how much time wasted, how many tears were shed, so he could tell me, that he can’t take my honesty and frankness, because it offends him?

And I never pretended to be anything else. Anything better.

I do not understand people. I think I am a freak. I just do not get this world and people in it any more.

Whatever. My favourite word of late. Whatever. To remind me that those things do not matter any more. I can’t change it, I have to accept it.

A bottle of wine and a friend would be nice in this god forsaken place in the middle of nowhere.

There is going to be a lot of ranting in this blog in months to come. Or a total silence.

EDIT: How can I come in terms with Ayra not growing up with her father only just because I am me? Not that there was absence of love or anything. Just because I am not acceptable.

another song

label: still here — CV @ 12:31 AM

Heartbreak songs. There are more, but those were the ones I looked for tonight.

September 20, 2015

just another

label: still here — CV @ 8:17 PM

I excel at crashing by now. Everything in my life is an irony.

September 10, 2015

just another

label: still here — CV @ 5:10 PM

I sometimes wonder about my “head” when I lie awake at night. What made me the way I am and why can’t I get it quite right? The things that feel essential/basic/elementary to me, seem to be mystery to the ones around me. Why do I see the world so differently?

And yet. The first year in school has been enlightening. All those essential/basic/elementary ideas keep poping up from the books I read. People, way smarter than me, saying that, this is how things should be. And yet, I feel like a loner when I live and act based on these concepts.

Yeah. Being socially a total wrecking ball doesn’t help either. I have always admired people, who know how to behave to get along. The skill that I so totally lack. I do understand how to break ice and how to talk to people. That is easy. Also flirt and maybe even seduction, but not much beyond that.

I think I have too many assumptions about others. I am exactly that naive that, when other person has attended the same lecture, read the same book or even agreed with me about some viewpoint – I assume that they act accordingly. It goes beyond my understanding why someone would not apply the knowledge acquired. So if I know that someone has the knowledge, I expect certain kind of behaviour based on that. No wonder I keep ending up in frustrated faux pas and call people stupid.

Why does my mind work so differently?

I am burning the bridges again. I think. At least I am really good at burning bridges.

September 4, 2015

another about Ayra

label: still here — CV @ 7:11 PM

Ayra: “How do we ge to India*?”
Me: “By airplane.”
Ayra: “But I am too young to jump out of an airplane!”

Only a skydiver’s child.

* No, we are not planning a trip there right now.

August 27, 2015

another song

label: still here — CV @ 7:24 PM

What a beautiful find. Enjoy Holley Maher :) It found itself on reply almost instantly. If only life was as beautiful and easy as songs are …

July 10, 2015

a soap and a bag

label: still here — CV @ 12:03 AM

I found this wonderful website with information about all kind of ingredients in cosmetics a while ago. Today, as I was taking a new piece of soap to sauna, I had the box in my hand and decided to check the ingredients list. I have been using Roger&Gallet soaps for years. I adore them. My sensitive skin adores them. I was really scared to check the ingredients, but the result was more than surprising to me. There was only 1 ingredient in the end of the list that was red, while most of the things were double green. Whoa! I like surprises like that. I am comfortable to recommend Roger&Gallet to anyone now. For years I used Sandalwood line, but they discontinued it. Now I am looking for a new favourite. Bois d’Orange was not for my taste. Today I opened Fleur d’Osmanthus and it smells wonderful.

It is nice to know, that my body does talk to me. I have never liked pharmacy lines like SebaMed or others so much even when they are considered good and harmless. They do not feel good. I checked their ingredients too – red, red, red. No wonder my skin does not like them. I have always had a feeling for products that are “wrong”.

On the other hand I also have a disappointment. I used to like Moleskine. Until I bought the myCloud Reporter Bag this spring. It broke in 2 months. I did send them a message, but there was no reply. I think I am going to switch brands and try my luck with Leuchtturm1917 next. I do not like things that cost like they are quality products, but do not last as such. Even more I do not like being ignored.

July 2, 2015

another morning

label: still here — CV @ 10:27 AM

I woke up at 7:30AM because the birds outside were giving such an alarm that it was impossible to sleep. Summer!

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