October 12, 2017

another morning

label: still here — CV @ 9:58 AM

I opened my eyes almost an hour before the alarm again. I still haven’t learned to sleep, but it is getting better and I am working on it. I turned towards the window and smiled. The whole square of the window was filled with the view of yellow leaves. The sun was about to rise, thus giving everything outside a golden hue. Birds were already up and about flying back and forth between the feeder and that golden birch.

It is nice to start your day with a smile. I’ve been quite happy lately. It is scary and exciting, when a new person comes to your life.

September 15, 2017

another moment

label: still here — CV @ 8:04 PM

There is nothing in the world to describe the feeling of your child’s hand caressing you. That is the most gentle and genuine touch I know.

August 24, 2017

skydiving summer is ending

label: still here — CV @ 10:53 AM

I am feeling sad today. Winter is coming and the Autumn is almost here. People are leaving the DZ and it makes me really sad. There are people leaving today, whom I am going to miss a lot. A lot. Especially the laughs and the smiles. I didn’t even realise how fond of these people I have become, till today. I will say goodby with tears in my eyes.

Ominousness of the lonely winter ahead of me. I shouldn’t let the panic to creep up on me like that, but sometimes it does, when I am feeling as sad as today. That reminds me, that there are only another 10 days and I will be saying goodby to this DZ as well for this year.

August 2, 2017

just another

label: still here — CV @ 9:03 PM

Homesick.

I miss home. I miss Estonia. Especially now in August.

August, my favourite month. I love the dark nights, warm days and the sounds of that month. It is different here in Finland. The sounds, the sensations are not the same. I miss my August.

July 31, 2017

Summer’17 so far

label: still here — CV @ 12:21 AM

So, what my summer is made off. Let me tell you.

Music, music, music! Smiles and hugs. People. Being busy.

Skydive Finland and Utti. Lassi & LP & Hanski. Skydiving and students. Teaching people to fly and loosing myself into the activity. Skydiving family. Sleeping in the tent. Sleeping in the hammock. Staying up till late and playing animal pyramid or cards or just plain talking and laughing. Drinking and parties (few crazy parties). Sauna. Big way skydiving (again, finally!).

Pori and Skydive Pori. Not wanting to go home. Good laughs and fun jumps. Feeling well.

Shapeshifter. Visits to Estonia and our relatives. Midsummer Estonian style. Strawberries and sweet peas. Hiking with my brave girl in Repovesi. Olhavavuori & Mustalammenvuori. Camping. Tykkimäki amusement park. Hugs and kisses and statements of love. Me and my girl – we get along now without fights. Boat ride at the sea. Ice-cream again & again & again.

Road. Countless hours on the road and in the car. Alone, with shapeshifter, with Lassi … Driving and wanting to stop the moments. Views and thoughts. Talks. Lifters.

Exercising. Walks and nordic walking and boxing and weight lifting. All of that, but a bit less than last year.

Being disappointed in certain people. I still manage to believe, what people say and then they fail to live up to their words. Dealing with it. Asking for help.

New experiences. Naked photoshoots. Dancing without fear. Being turned down buy a guy. Threesome kissing. Trusting my gut. Liking someone, but walking away. Being brave. Trying to be free.

Friends. Hot tub & sparkling. Talking till morning. Insightful talks with prof. I also finally made it to Tartu. Friends are the best.

There was a moment in the beginning of this Summer, when I realised that everything is probably at its worst. There was no point of worrying about anything any more. So I decided not to care. There is/was nothing to loose. I decided to live and I have lived this Summer. Third is still yet to go. I think I will get some more stuff done.

July 30, 2017

another moment

label: still here — CV @ 11:19 PM

Shorts and T-shirt, no helmet, sunglasses and serene mind. I exited at 1000m, alone on the jumprun. Hop & pop on the last load of the day.

Alone in the sky.

There are different sounds, when you jump without a helmet. The noise of the canopy is different, the rush of the wind past your ears, but when you hit the breaks – the silence is suddenly there.

At 700m I was sitting on deep breaks enjoying the silence and the view on the world. Low sun and the forests and the lakes. Beautiful end for this beautiful Sunday.

I landed and walked back to the hangar to pack with my soul reloaded. There are moments worth living for. I have to remember them.

July 26, 2017

no winning

label: still here — CV @ 12:21 AM

There is no winning. Just living, moving forward.

May 19, 2017

another moment

label: still here — CV @ 9:27 PM

Unbelievably beautiful evening on the sea. Leaving Tallinn at sunset. The whole city is wrapped in a light blue hue of a warm spring evening. The sky is blue and pink and orange and violet and … pastels all over. It would be perfect to sit on someones arms and watch the sunset. It is totally OK to be here alone too. Being alone doesn’t make those moments less beautiful, I just have the desire to share all the beautiful moments I encounter in my life.

PS. My favourite cherry tree in Tallinn is in full blossom. Spring is finally here.

May 16, 2017

yellow butterfly

label: still here — CV @ 12:37 PM

I am feeling so restless. Spring? Stress? Anxiousness? Worry? I have no idea. I just feel so restless all the time.

I keep reminding myself, that everything is good for something, and all the events later line up in a logical order, like everything was supposed to happen exactly that way to bring you to certain point in time and place. I have to believe it, otherwise I would drown (I think). There are less and less anchoring points in my life. Nothing to hold on to. No dreams, no plans and the obligations keep disappearing also.

Loose. I am loose.

Plan C or D or I don’t know which survival back-up plan is already in motion. I am standing still while my days are a blur of activity. Last month has kicked me into action in some ways. I’ve done a lot of stuff that has been on my to-do list for way too long. Deadlines and necessity is a great motivator if there is no other motivation left. It would be so cool to say that I work best under pressure, but the truth is that I only seem to work under pressure.

I saw the first butterfly of this spring. Yellow. Does it count if you see your first butterfly through a car window? Even if you see it twice? Will it be a golden summer or do I have to wait for some other butterfly to fly by? Why do I even believe in butterflies and summer correlations? But I do. I choose to. I want to believe that the first butterfly you see every spring will foretell the nature of your summer – blank, golden, vivid. The same way I choose life, for now. Life is a choice.

Restless.

April 11, 2017

sadness

label: still here — CV @ 8:55 PM

I am washed over with sadness. It makes me sad to be in His proximity and the feeling lingers for days. Why can’t I be angry? It would be so much easier. At least the worst pain is gone and now it just fills me with sadness.

Blue. Not gray, blue.

Edit later: Wishful thinking! Crash, boom, bang.

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