March 31, 2008


label: learning — CV @ 6:26 PM

It takes a sunny spring day like this to realize – I’m still not ready to love anyone. Thoughts drifted to Aleksandr … just like that without a reason or warning. My mind still keeps asking – why?

… and there is no answer.

for sure

label: learning — CV @ 12:45 PM

It is spring for sure. No question about it. They have started road pavement works. Birds can be wrong about spring, but those guys in yellow vests are never wrong.


label: learning — CV @ 9:39 AM

Mutt reminded me of something. Reading her post about butterfly omen* I was caught in a déjà vu moment. Suddenly I have a feeling that I have seen my first butterfly of this year and it was white. At the same time I can’t determine was it a dream or reality. This feeling is really odd and confusing.

Did I dream it or did it really happen? Somehow I keep mixing dreams and reality from time to time. I even doubt my memories, because there are things I can’t believe that they have happened to me. Usually they are reality, but they feel dreamlike. I think that this is the case with butterfly as well.

So, white and boring summer ahead. Somehow I doubt it! I wish it would come true as I need some quiet and clear time in my life.

* We, estonians, like to believe that the first butterfly you see in spring/summer predicts the nature of your summer.

another morning

label: learning — CV @ 8:18 AM

Sunrise and birds singing. When I stepped out of the door, I felt spring. Finally it is in the air!

I can’t stop smiling.

March 29, 2008

another day on slope

label: learning — CV @ 11:09 AM

I managed to find time and pay a visit to Talma yesterday evening. Beautiful sunset! I just had to sit down near the top and enjoy it. Stars were shining bright. So bright that you could see them when the sunset was at its final. Planes returning to Vantaa’s airport twinkled across the sky …

I fed my fear of the lifts. I managed to fell off a lift twice! I have to find a way to get better with lifts as I can descend without falling, but seems like I can’t get up the slope without falling. Finally I got so afraid of the lift yesterday that I just went to the children’s slope.

I’m off to slope again. We seem to have a spontaneous get-together of some skydivers at Talma today. It is sunny day. Seems perfect for spending some time outside.

UPDATE: So I’m back. 2 hours on the slope and I loved it. Not all of it, but most of it. It is +8 degrees Celcius outside. A bit too warm, snow too wet, but still … it was still okay to snowboard. After felling off the lift again I decided that:”That is it!”. I want to enjoy my ride and not to be worried about the ride up. So I went to children slope and had really nice development in my skills of snowboarding. I spent and hour practising how to come down the slope left foot forward. For some mystical reason I don’t have any problem coming down right foot forward, but with left foot I have all kind of problems with turning etc. At the same time my bindings are set up to snowboard left foot forward. I seriously have to think about maybe changing that setup.

Hehh! I just found out that my right knee is turning violet. That was probably that miserable descend I had, when I was down on my knees or but or hands after every 2 meters. Haha!

Looks like it was my last visit to Talma this season. Spring is rushing in. I have a vague plan to go to Lapland in April, but will see about that. One is sure – I’m not afraid to go to ski resort any more. Next winter season will definitely contain a snowboarding holiday. Preferably French Alpes.

March 28, 2008


label: learning — CV @ 1:20 PM

I just have to have a big mouth and too many stupid questions. Tactless! Total failure. I try not to repeat that.

another morning

label: learning — CV @ 8:48 AM

I have been waking up to sun shining to my bed last few mornings. It makes me laugh to even think about – me, waking up at sunrise. Probably next week I can’t get up at all. Week after that as well. I’m terrified to think about the idea of daylight saving right now.

This year has kicked off with constant battling. No wonder I have no energy left. Fighting the desire not to smoke (No, it is not getting any easier!). Fighting with the weight gain resulting from quitting smoking. I’m not going to even start whining about my work.

Hahaaa!!! In the middle of writing this post “grand old” just came and knocked some sense back into me. Lets start this day with a smile. Ehh?

another dialogue

label: learning — CV @ 8:06 AM

Snowboard and swim trunks?

March 27, 2008


label: learning — CV @ 4:19 PM

Why there are periods in life when you feel like kicking and screaming? Glass is half empty most of the time and talking to friends is as much help as getting drunk. I’m totally normal when talking to people over phone or internet. I feel like myself and everything seems to be good, but … as soon as I hang up and left alone, all those depressing thoughts keep crawling back into my mind. My energy has hid itself from me or maybe I lack the motivation. The latter is probably the reason. I know exactly how to get out of this black hole, but I seem to lack motivation to do it. So tempting is to keep whining and be lazy for now. Just human. I actually can feel. Funny thing. I just try to deceive myself and everybody else around me that I’m above it all. I should avoid some people, I know. Grrh.

It doesn’t help that I have people around me, who can be only described as “good”. I feel the quilt of never being able to be as “good”. Stupid thoughts I know, but sometimes they stick for some amount of time. Give me a week. Will be ok. Till then – if I happen to whine on your computer screen, just bear it or click further to some other happy blog.

I miss Jean. I want to talk through all those stupid thoughts I have in my head about love, about 20+ and else. Why everybody keep running away from me to southern hemisphere?


label: learning — CV @ 12:25 PM

I am egocentric bitch.

Yeah, surprise! I’m depressed for unknown reason (or for the reasons I decide to keep to myself).

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