August 28, 2008

child

label: serenity — CV @ 12:38 PM

Sometimes I’m like a child. I know the oven is hot and if I touch it, I get burnt, but I just have to reach out my hand and poke it. I totally understand children. So, if you see me whining in the corner – its my own fault, I played the game where someone else was better. Have you ever seen those T-shirts stating “My sport ate your sport for breakfast.”? It is the same feeling. Someone had me for breakfast.

No wonder I drive men beyond reason. I would go out of my mind too having me around (and I do). The more I should stay away, the more I want to play with fire. It is exciting! Isn’t it? Balancing on the edge and usually falling down. I know the outcome. I burn in hell anyway – so I try to have fun before that.

After falling, like a child, I need someone to brush off the dirt from me, smooth my bruises with soft caress and send me off to the world again. We all missing being a child sometimes.

I go and play with heartfire now. Paih.

ideal intention

label: serenity — CV @ 3:14 AM

“I want to get past that point where I have to try and interpret what you say and do, but rather feel and know what it is you want.”

Every girl in the world would like (to hear) that.

August 27, 2008

screen

label: serenity — CV @ 9:06 PM

I have been sitting last half an hour watching a name on my screen. Talk or not to talk. I know there is no point of scratching the itch. I may click the chat open as many times as I want, but I won’t write anything. So I sit here and torture myself. Time heals. I just have to wait for that moment when it stops touching me. Somehow it reminds me of quitting smoking. Similar discipline – not to give in to the desire. Slipping from time to time, but the will gets stronger and stronger. Using small distractions to cope with it. Work is the best.

It is better to feel than not feel at all. I keep repeating that.

another song

label: serenity — CV @ 12:46 PM

I would just change the year to 1992. Rush of fun memories with that song. There was a summer worth remembering now and forever, but if any of my nieces would have a summer like that – I would really do my best to stop them from having it.

whiskey

label: serenity — CV @ 12:15 AM

Whiskey and girl’s talk is good. I had thought myself into really twisted state of mind and needed to be reminded about simple things.

If you can’t change the way things are – change your attitude. Find another point of view. There is something good in everything.

I don’t feel detached any more. I’m part of my life again.

Just for the record – I’m not a whiskey girl. Not my kind of drink :P

a month

label: serenity — CV @ 12:01 AM

A month has flown by. Fast blur of passing time. I’ve been running around like a maniac, only stopping for those precious moments that are worth collecting of. My candle has been burning at both ends.

A month … back and forth between Sweden, Estonia and Finland with additional detour to Belgium. Time flies. All those thousands of kilometers I have covered. World is a marvel. So here we go. Those are the moments worth mentioning.

I saw a reserve opening at 4000 km. That was some scary stuff. 10-way exit and in the middle of it one of the guy’s reserve opens. This time it was a lucky accident and nobody got hurt.

Stiletto. I did some testjumps with Stiletto 120. I have never jumped an elliptical canopy before so I upsized and tried it out. Fun! They talk truth about the different openings. Those openings are not the kind my Sabre and Spectre have introduced me with. I did 7 jumps with Stiletto. For my amusement 4 of them were on-heading openings. It was even better than my Spectre. At the same time I also got myself linetwists. Fun!

In Gryttjom with tuuker and flask and cognac and … there is something good there.

Big Way Camp. Rain, rain, rain and rain again. Demo over Tierp :D It still makes me grin. Yeah, formation loads are fun because so many things can happen. Somehow we managed to jump out of Cessna Caravan over Tierp miles away from DZ. That was one really fun speedstar. First jump of the day and it set the tune and mood for the whole day for me as I couldn’t stop laughing. I even found my private puddle of mud to land in.

Ronald.

Scandinavia. I drove all the way back from Stockholm to Helsinki. Visited Adnil on my way, had some breathtaking views, serene walks and thinking through and through during those kilometers. I like north. I feel like I belong to north.

Feeling of bitter disappointment. How could I have been so stupid and blind?

Tridariel. He did his best to cheer me up. All his reports from Norway. Another kind heart in my life. There are so many actually. I sometimes keep forgetting about it.

Standing alone in the pouring rain at Pyhäjärven Emoranta. Totally wet, but the smile not leaving my lips. Feeling with every cell in my body that “I am!”.

Spacial Invitations. Spa feels like home. I haven’t been there as much as I have been in Gryttjom, but it is the second DZ in the world I feel right at home. That’s the way it is. I always seem to want to return there. Event was the best of big way events I’ve been this year.

Milko. I AM A FAN!!! That organizer is super! I would only use superlative adjectives to describe him. I have to hunt down some event of his and take part of it just because of him. He is that good.

Roads. The moment, when the lamps come on at highways, everything is the colour of blood. After some time that menacing red gives way to warm orange that reminds me of evening sun.

Jean. I should make him the standard for a boyfriend. He is a living proof that it is possible to understand and get me and not to be afraid of me. I can’t get that moment out of my head when we were sitting and talking about his girlfriend and music and all kind of other stuff at his place. There was so much warmth and caring and intimacy. I miss intimacy in my life. He made me realize that I haven’t felt close to anyone for a really long time.

Estonian Record Camp. We were like grasshoppers over Sweden. Taking one DZ after another. Västerås, Gryttjom, Gävle. I haven’t done any jumps in Estonia this year. Every time I tried, there was no weather. First days it felt really strange to be around Estonians again. I think I got used to it by Sunday.

Back in Helsinki. I miss home. I really do. The only wish I have lately is to just stop for a moment and lay on my couch and read a book. It has to wait for another 6 weeks …

August 25, 2008

single afresh

label: serenity — CV @ 4:25 PM

Seems like I’m master of talking around the corner. As some people have asked then I think I have to clear it out.

Yes, I am single. No more Philip and Vaike.

mood

label: serenity — CV @ 3:00 PM

I’m in a destructive mood.

Some girl talk and whiskey will probably do me good, but it will not fix the problem. I still don’t have the will to fix it, but I can feel myself getting there. How come I never fall for the good guys? Why I only seem to have chemistry with men I can’t have or who are bad for me?

Life sucks sometimes.

August 22, 2008

bloody

label: serenity — CV @ 10:30 PM

My nose has doubled its size. There was lot of blood in the process, also one completed 14-way of estonians and it hurts like hell.

Skydiving is dangerous.

August 20, 2008

another dialogue

label: serenity — CV @ 12:25 PM

CV:”Be safe out there. The wind is still really gusty and turbulent.”
Rink:”You landed out there by the hangar.”

We had had 2 injuries during the day already … both had nothing to do with the hangar …

Am I really weird or is there something wrong with that dialog?

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