October 31, 2008

another song

label: serenity — CV @ 8:06 PM

On repeat. Tonight.

one answer

label: serenity — CV @ 3:36 PM

All of a sudden I got an answer today to an old question. I think someone else just gave me closure with Aleksandr. Two years later.

“It’s not an issue of “can handle”, it’s an issue of, is it worth it.”.

Finally I understand.

Why I never understood it before? I am just not worth it. Never was. Love looses its meaning the moment it gets too hard, too complicated. Choice. That is all that it is. And was.

With all of them.

worn out

label: serenity — CV @ 12:52 PM

I have been really tired lately. Yesterday I got home around 9 pm, ate and fell asleep. Before 10 pm! I slept 12 hours (yeah, forgot all the alarms and stuff) and feel a lot better. It feels good to be not tired for a change.

I think that there is something wrong with world. The tempo, we are living, is killing us. My pace is my own to set – I know that too. It is so hard to learn to give up some things just to have it a bit more quiet. Balance is hard to find. I am too restless for too quiet. And yet – I have been in one place for few weeks. Not running around any more and yet, I feel even more tired. Frustrated and tired of all the things that have to be done. Just the workload looking at me makes me tired already.

Autumn depression?

October 30, 2008

they say

label: serenity — CV @ 10:42 AM

If a man is over 30 and single – there is something wrong with him.

If a woman is over 30 and single – there is something wrong with men.

nota bene

label: serenity — CV @ 3:24 AM

I am tired of finding out how many of you are married or “committed”. In the middle of a date.

I am tired of asking myself “wtf is wrong with men?” and “why do they hit on me if they have a partner?”. At any given time.

I hate men. I have many issues with them. My latter experiences do not help.

I am tired of it all. OK?!

October 29, 2008

pick a fight

label: serenity — CV @ 8:01 PM

I picked a fight yesterday. Ou yes, I did get it. If I pick a fight then usually it is inevitable. So. Lets break the habit and analyze this time.

I picked a fight. Apparently without a reason. At first even for me. Just because something inside of me was irking. I have been trying to figure out now for the whole day – wtf is wrong. Too many things are out of my control and no wonder it makes me a mess. Unbalanced mess of emotions that I can’t control if I don’t know where they originate from. I also realized that most things, that are wrong, had nothing to do with the person I picked the fight with.

Yes, I did apologize.

Instead of picking fights out of the blue, I should try to deal with the issues. I have a lot of them. At first I should manifest myself and not be afraid of consequential damages. Without that the damage done is worse. I end up collecting all that frustration inside and exploding at totally wrong places and moments. I have to get out of this feeling of suffocation. There is a way. There always is. I just have to find it and that is it. This corner is not my first and last.

But first. I have to win this irrational fear. November is about to begin …

October 28, 2008

label: serenity — CV @ 11:33 PM

Why am I so good at breaking things? Especially myself?

I think I am going to cry myself to sleep now …

another realization

label: serenity — CV @ 4:52 PM

Romantic movies should be out of reach for single women. Banned, restricted – whatever is needed to keep single women from romantic movies.


label: serenity — CV @ 9:45 AM

I know I shouldn’t hope. I know that as young state as Estonia will never ever admit its mistakes and pay for them. Still I hope. There is no switch to turn that hope off. Miracles. Once the miracle has happened. Stupidly enough that feeds hoping for the second one.

The first ruling of the court in this case should have been yesterday. They postponed it (yes, they can do that, totally legal). I hate even the thought that I have to deal with it soon again. It takes a lot of willpower to get myself up to thinking about it. It takes even more to read opposing side’s argument.

Anger management. A lot of anger management every time I deal with it. Maybe I shouldn’t have pushed it further, but I know I wouldn’t have forgave myself for not taking matters till the end. I have to know I used all my cards.

Now I am waiting again. Somehow it is better then dealing with it directly. I can put it to the back of my mind and leave it there for a little while longer.

Moments like that make me wish for an ideal world. For a life in ideal world … or the illusion I used to have …

October 27, 2008


label: serenity — CV @ 12:24 AM

I have learned a lot about appearances lately. For all my life I have felt naked, thinking that everybody can see through my acts. Feeling like I am always overdoing it anyway and everybody can see all my tears and fears and weaknesses. Fearing that those masks I am wearing are too obvious to cover anything. I know better now.

I have always had the ability to sense people and things. I like to call it an instinct. I can usually see through the masks and acts. I thought everybody are the same on the matter. I am shocked to learn that it isn’t so.

Appearances. They can be so deceiving.

No wonder I am surprised and confused by the way people see or want to see me. I was the one to make a mistake and make a wrong assumption. I should stop fighting it. The appearances are there for a reason. They are needed the way they are.

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