November 30, 2008

morning routine

label: serenity — CV @ 1:18 PM

This is how my saturdays and sundays look like.

*xkcd

November 29, 2008

minced

label: serenity — CV @ 7:18 PM

Again and again and again. Estonia messes me up. Or people in it. Whatever. Result is always the same – I feel like I’ve been processed through mincing machine. Thoughts. Too many of them. Encounters. Even more. Dialogs. Giving me more than enough to think about.

“What is up with your private life?”. Question asked. Sometimes out loud. Sometimes quietly with only a look. Still a question. Asked. How do you answer that you don’t have a private life? Not in a classical meaning. All you have is some twisted and secret driven flow of emotions here and there. Undefinable. Shameful and shameless. Sometimes too dark to admit even to yourself. Sometimes so bright that it takes your breath away.

Comparisons. I still do it. How can you compare different values? You can’t. Regular dreams coming into life all around me. Getting away from me does good to some. So f**king normal that … you don’t know should you envy or puke. Distortedly finding reassurance in your own ways and choices. Can’t imagine yourself into it any more.

Drafts folder is filled with unfinished writings. Some really old, but still relevant. Some so fresh that they are still tear-stained. Delete? Publish? Something to think about.

November 28, 2008

a visit

label: serenity — CV @ 11:25 PM

Oll has a really good eye for detail. Love it! Her home has a good vibe. It felt good to be there.

stranger

label: serenity — CV @ 12:31 AM

The closest I get to normal.

Stranger.

Only a stranger would still take me for normal. Only a stranger would not see the scars. Yet.

Illusion.

My past is not an excuse. My past is not the answer. My past is not a solution.

I know that.

It is a habit I have to break.

November 27, 2008

another question

label: serenity — CV @ 11:36 PM

Tell me honestly.

Why should I like men? Why should I trust men? I’ve seen the worst in men. I’ve seen the worst in best.

I think I’ve just seen too much.

another song

label: serenity — CV @ 12:56 PM

3 Doors Down – Let Me Be Myself

Don’t try to fix me. I’m not broken. All I need is an acceptance. Life is possible as me.

another realization

label: serenity — CV @ 1:00 AM

Still works. Pain against pain. I know it is stupid, but I haven’t learned the other ways yet. For now it has to do.

November 26, 2008

snow

label: serenity — CV @ 10:39 PM

A lot of snow lately. Outside and inside. Feelings, memories and emotions.

Snow has always been good to me. For some reason only good things come to mind when I think of snow. Can it be that bad things don’t happen to me when my corner of the earth is covered with white blanket? At least I can’t think of any great catastrophes. It is like truce between me and life. Time to breath, gather strength and have a happiness. White peace and harmony. Life slows down.

There are many great moments I remember with snow, but one of them stands out. One evening half a life ago. Raido.

I had had a fight with father again. Tears. Hopeless teenager feeling of not being understood. Ever. So I was standing there, in front of the house, crying and with no idea where to go. Snow kept falling around me. Peaceful white dance of snowflakes around me and tears rolling down my cheeks.

He came. Looked at me and without a word pulled my hand to come with him. His wordless understanding and compassion. I still carry it with me. From that night. Utmost intimacy. The ride to Nõmme on the bus. Standing with my face against his chest. My world shrank to be bounded by his hands protectively around me.

Politseikool. Dark empty corridors, ballroom and grand piano. The only light casted by lamps outside and reflected off the snow. Snowlight. I can still play the tune he played that night. At least that one important one. The one he composed for me.

Talk. His tranquil voice explaining me secrets of life. A planet, a person, a year, a worry. Universe.

Walking home. Pines with their white hats. Smell of snow. Taste of snow. Looking up to his eyes and knowing that I will be alright. Always. Whatever happens, I will always have that evening. Snow falling all around us.

How often does it happen that you know for sure that your world and life has changed? In one evening. For ever.

first time

label: serenity — CV @ 3:22 PM

It surprises me that I can still do some things for the first time. Simple, small things that everybody else seem to have been done long ago. It surprises me to find those sides of me. I didn’t even suspect. Some things never came up because they seemed fake. Until … suddenly it feels good. I found romantic set ups to be lame, fake, banal – just to find out otherwise.

And another thing … So, this is how it feels! To be unjudged. I didn’t know this is a way to be. Just be. Too easy to accept for real. Safe. No games. No “know how”. I turned it all off.

November 24, 2008

label: serenity — CV @ 8:04 PM

We were talking about freedom … As a reflection I found Raido’s words organizing my poetry/lyrics box. I take the freedom of free translation.

“And yet I also want to be
free of freedom.
Find someone,
to whom to be faithful.”

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