January 30, 2009

in the light

label: serenity — CV @ 6:49 PM

It is snowing outside! In the light of the day everything seems a bit better. It really does. When I get everything under control again – it is actually with its own benefits. I like my coworkers most of the time. I like my freedom most of the time.

I need to get a grip on myself.

shitty day

label: serenity — CV @ 2:28 AM

There are those dark days, when absolutely everything goes wrong. Not in a funny way, but depressing, nerve wrecking way. All you want to do is close your eyes and not belong to this world any more. Not to be, not to think, not to feel. You just can’t take it any more. You had enough. You are so tired of it all. One day can sometimes be too much to bare.

Closing your eyes doesn’t help. World doesn’t disappear. When you open your eyes, you are still here in the middle of what you tried to escape. I am twisted into knot upon knot. Stress. I used to go on for years without knowing the meaning of the word. Last year has been “introducing”.

I just got home from office. Yes, it is 2 AM. I have a big glass on cognac in front of me and I plan to drink it. Is it worth it? I find myself asking it more often. Career change is inevitable. At least I finally, after years of searching, have an idea which way to go, what to try and what I would want to do. Surviving on first career I stumbled on at the moment of need, is hopefully coming to an end. Soon, but not soon enough.

How to deal with the days like that? How to find a silver lining that just isn’t there. I feel always so powerless at those moments. I wish it would be possible to hide away from the world and come back when you are ready for it. I am definitely not ready right now. Yeah, I do wish that instead of cognac there would be welcoming arms to greet me, but today is not that day. Tomorrow. Then …

Underlining currents. As much as I want to ignore them or make a face that I don’t notice or don’t care – they are there to move me, to drive me. I hate it. Why can’t I rise above them? I want to. God knows how much I want to!

To write this post took 20 minutes of annoyance to get the internet back by restarting every connection point on the line. Too many sites have been down today. Way too many.

And yes, I feel like I could kill for a cigarette right now. SSDD.

January 29, 2009

tired

label: serenity — CV @ 2:49 PM

I am tired. For real. I don’t think I can take it much longer any more. It is not worth it. This job is killing me. Really. I think I am finally fed up with all of it.

January 27, 2009

surprised

label: serenity — CV @ 1:04 AM

Looking at photos lately I find it hard to believe they are from my life. Can it really be my life? Something else than skydiving events?

He makes me happy.

January 26, 2009

energy out

label: serenity — CV @ 3:59 PM

I have no energy left whatsoever. Some illness is using it all up. Blaah! It probably didn’t help that I had social obligations this weekend (mother’s jubilee). At least I wasn’t alone.

Tallinn was wonderful, different, happy. Trip to Estonia was happy this time! What a difference a companion can make.

Now I am like a hibernating bear – sucking a spoon with honey flavored with the oil of sea buckthorn and not getting out of bed.

January 22, 2009

another realization

label: serenity — CV @ 6:10 PM

Team travel is expensive. I maxed my credit card out to the limit first time in my life today. I also realized once again how much I hate the system of car rental and airplane tickets.

another realization

label: serenity — CV @ 2:28 AM

I don’t have secrets any more. Or they have lost they secretive meaning.

Ou, don’t worry, I am not changing my blogging style. It will still stay as incomprehensible as it has been till now.

another spark

label: serenity — CV @ 1:16 AM

Someone had made a snowman in the middle of the roundabout.

January 21, 2009

USA

label: serenity — CV @ 12:15 PM

I am not political. I never liked politics. Thoughts came back as USA got a new president yesterday. Just few thoughts (and not a dissertation).

Civilizations.

Have you ever wondered how civilizations come and go and change? Like Egypt. They stayed pretty much the same not for only century or two, but for milleniums. Static. Stagnating. How different is the civilization we have a privilege to live in! Or is it a privilege at all? Everything comes with a price. Oriented to growth. Oriented to change. Oriented to progress. Stakes are high.

USA is a warrior civilization. Not teenager any more, but at the annoying patriotic and passionate age of early twenties. Young civilization. They haven’t got into the creation stage yet. Sadly. I hope they don’t do too much damage before they get there.

another morning

label: serenity — CV @ 11:07 AM

There I was. Totally calmly doing my morning routines and applying eye cream. What could possibly go wrong?

Everything if I am around. Applying eye cream ended with eye cream jar in toilet after bouncing off all the walls and me cleaning the walls from cream.

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