Happiness isn’t to get what you want. It is about appreciating what you have. Will I ever get there? That state of mind, attitude? In a lot of ways, I am there. I think I’ve learned some things in my life despite my behaviour patterns. I may go after impossible, but I’ve learned to enjoy the ride and collect moments on my way there.

Drinks with Pierro yesterday. As always, we pick it up like we’ve never been apart.
“How is love life?”
“A mess. As always. Do you ever remember me being happy? Having it?”
“Yeah, I can remember few days, but it was among many other. I recall some when we used to be together on daily basis.”

I am an hopeless optimist. How else to explain 2 tickets to Pink concert? I seem to have high hopes in fact that I have someone to go with.

Have you ever wondered what happens to all that snow that they load on trucks in the city?

Some of Helsinki’s snow ends up in my office’s neighbourhood. This is the “mountain” they have built from it.

How do you watch winter Olympics when you don’t have TV and you are a Mac user? Easy! Sound from Vikerraadio* and picture from Eurovisionsports. Ha!

* That Vikerraadio idea took me a week to find! I got so annoyed of not having reporter talking and giving information about what is going on behind the screens that I almost stopped following Olympics at all. I am proud of myself now :P

I carved my way to the ski lift and noticed the numbers on the information display for the first time.

-20C! Seriously?

* 2 tickets to Pink’s Funhouse Summer Carnival Tour
* 1 Icarus Canopies Crossfire 2 size 109 Sq.ft

I think that my money is well spent.

You can’t get the butter on bread with the stick. Knife needed even with chinese lunch.

It is hard to accept the truth. Really hard, but it is the only way towards healing. I was delusional in so many ways. The more I think about it, the more I realize that I still don’t have a clear vision about what I learned from that meeting with him. My mind is still drawing conclusions. I don’t like one bit what I see, but I don’t think I can hide from it any more.

I thought I knew how things stood. I thought I knew what, were, why, how. I was so desperate for not to disappoint him that I didn’t listen to those alarm bells in my mind. I believed. Words. Sweet words sold as truth. In some level it is the truth. Subjective misleading state of mind. We see what we want to see, we believe what we want to believe, we hear what we want to hear.

At least those tears I am crying now will make me feel better. I find consolation in that. I need it. Full scale destruction. All bridges burned, all hope extinguished. I was praying for him to prove me wrong, now I pray for him to set me free.

It is snowing. Again. Big white flakes of snow. I love this winter!

If a song has a colour then Edward Maya “Stereo Love” featuring Vika Jigulina is blue, twilight blue.