October 28, 2010

another quote

label: and some things — CV @ 8:02 PM

“I have a tendency not only to see the best in everyone, but to assume that everyone is emotionally capable of reaching his highest potential. I have fallen in love more times than I care to count with the highest potential of a man, rather than with the man himself, and then I have hung on to the relationship for a long time (sometimes far too long) waiting for the man to ascend to his own greatness. Many times in romance I have been a victim of my own optimism.”

Elizabeth Gilbert “Eat. Pray. Love.”

October 27, 2010

few surprises

label: and some things — CV @ 2:41 PM

This week has been total turnaround compared to few last weeks.

Got a message monday morning suddenly with a clear message “Don’t excuse yourself. You will have dinner with me today or tomorrow. Pick a day.”. So I had dinner yesterday evening. For birthday :D with someone I didn’t expected to even remember. Felt odd and at the same time good to be out without obligations. Just be me and enjoy. No emotional burden, only chit-chat and laughter and feel good vibe.

Today suddenly my phone rang while I was at the office. Unknown number. “Are you at the office?” – “Yes.” – “Come open the door, I have something for you.”. Wine! 3 litre box of AG 47 Malbec Chiraz! Exactly that wine I have been hunting to find in a box, but have only found in bottles. Just like that! What a nice surprise.

And prof. is back on my screen. Big smile! :D

October 26, 2010

can’t argue with that

label: and some things — CV @ 11:56 AM

October 21, 2010

why here

label: and some things — CV @ 1:57 PM

So what am I doing here? I have no idea.

Or actually I do. You can’t move forward looking back. To go I have to let go. Totally. If there is a slightest chance I want to come back, then it all would be pointless because I don’t even give myself a chance.

Now I am looking for the answer to the question “How to let go?”.

October 19, 2010

pathetic me

label: and some things — CV @ 6:35 PM

So I snapped today. My self-restraint gave in under all this self-pity and I snapped. Threw it into his face over the phone and hung up.

I was listening yesterday to one friend telling me how traveling isn’t expensive if you plan ahead and buy tickets 5-6 months prior your trip. I was thinking to myself that to do that you have to have some level of certainty about your life. Of course, you can always buy just one ticket if you are sure about yourself, but in some ways I am so tired of traveling alone. Then another friend told me all about his awesome surprise birthday party and asked me what has be up with my life for last 2 weeks. I had to say – nothing. Depressing, but true. I wake up in the morning, I win the psychological battle and get myself into office, I get the indispensable work done, I come home and watch some movies and then to sleep. That is it.

I didn’t have any birthday celebrations this year. I was home alone and trying to hide that fact. Yes, special somebody had plans, but as always something happened in his life and – as I had followed his instructions not to plan anything – I was left hanging, home alone. I couldn’t even make an escape plan as there is no such thing as real lastminute.com. I didn’t even want to call anyone or show myself anywhere. Too shamed of being such a failure in life. Yeah, I can imagine that call “Hei, I have a birthday in 2 days, would you spend time with me? Am I pathetic or what?”. It wouldn’t be a problem to call a real friend like that, but I don’t have those here in Finland.

Since I saw the trailer for Up in the Air, this line from it has been nagging at me: “If you think about it, your favorite memories, the most important moments of your life – were you alone? Life’s better with company.”. Guess what? Yep! Not only last 2 years, but it a pattern in my life – alone. Sometimes I feel like I don’t even know any more how to share because … just because.

I am so tired. All the time.

PS. It doesn’t mean I had a bad day on my birthday. I know how to enjoy a moment. It was nice and peacefully happy. Bit sad and lonely still, but not bad.

October 16, 2010

another year

label: and some things — CV @ 12:58 PM

Another year further from carefree times.

Happy birthday to me!

October 14, 2010

another realization

label: and some things — CV @ 3:49 PM

I want someone to squeeze this mad right out of me.

October 11, 2010

another realization

label: and some things — CV @ 4:43 PM

Writing always helps. Eases the mind.

or?

label: and some things — CV @ 2:18 PM

Is it worth it?
Isn’t it worth it?

Same question, but sounds different. Attitude. It is always about the way you think about things. Your attitude towards stuff. Yet, it can be really confusing from time to time. Is my “heart” against it or do I just have to change my attitude?

I have the mind that is always working towards one goal – compromise. Find the way to get it all by compromising. Don’t give up, don’t let go – find a way. Annoying way to be. One third of the time I am trying to fight against the way I am, another third of the time I am confused and if a rare occasion occurs and I figure out what I want, then I spend the last third of the time getting what I want.

I tried to do pro/con list the other day. I didn’t write down anything. Not a single pro/con statement. There are too many loose ends and …

Skydiving season is over and here I go again. Trapped in my world with no escape until spring comes around again with a promise of an escape. Depression getting the hold on me again. Year after year of uncertainty. Too many loose ends to make any decisions. Still.

Instead of this mindless rant I should actually finish all those skydiving event posts and post them. I should do a lot of things. There is always things to do, but instead my mind is on repeat about the same question every second of the day – stay or go.

Stay?
Go?
Or?

October 10, 2010

anew

label: and some things — CV @ 10:51 PM

It is last year all over again.

I still ask the same questions. I still answer the same … and I am afraid the outcome will be the same as well. Or worse.

Panic attacks are back again.

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