December 31, 2010


label: and some things — CV @ 1:26 PM

Hard times, difficult year, depressing, tiresome.

Nothing changed. Even my case against Estonia is still in the highest court without a verdict (as it was last year). Strange year – like it didn’t happen at all. Still water with some invisible undercurrents. I think I failed this year absolutely. I failed to do anything with it. I am right back where I started.

Jan, Feb, March – tears, tears, tears. One day at a time. Step by step to get over, move on, only to end up at the beginning. Apr, May, June, July, August – I tried to hid myself in skies once again. One day at a time. No plans, no future, no desires. Depression lurking on the background. This year’s skydiving didn’t bring as much satisfaction as before. Stressful relations and communication. On top of it I felt like moving backwards on my learning curve. Sept, Oct, Nov, Dec – I kicked myself into move. Fighting with myself, but finally moving (even if it was in baby steps). Forced to do something because my contract will end in a month and my apartment lease with it. On the verge of change.

There was a positive side to this year too. No real plan, no real big problems to solve, no emotional storms – I lived in moments. I noticed every single season. Nothing went by unnoticed as my attention was not tied with anything else. Snow and cold of last winter, spring in full blossom, hot summer and coulours of fall.

The best – there were people in my life this year! Thought of them lights up my face and lifts my spirit to highest. Thank you every one of you, who shared some hugs, laughs, conversations and moments with me virtually or non-virtually. You matter!

They say it is always darkest before the dawn. So, out with the old, in with the new!

December 30, 2010

story of a tree

label: and some things — CV @ 11:26 PM

Last time I had a real Christmas tree was … ummm … 20 years ago! I wasn’t planning having one this year either, but …

I wanted some tree branches. They are enough to rise Christmas spirit, they don’t need that many decorations (which I don’t have) and they are easy to handle (no need for special stand etc). I had those branches ready, in trunk of my special somebody’s car and there they were after we met and I was few hundred kilometers from him again. So, on the late evening of 23rd I turned my car onto Bauhaus parking lot hoping that I manage to get some semi-decent tree branches in those 20 minutes that were left until closing time.

There I was. Eve before Christmas Eve. No branches. Not even bad ones. I was just about to give up on Christmas and leave when they suddenly said that all the Christmas trees that are left are free to take away. No, there were not many left, but I noticed one smaller one that was promising and I decided to take it. If not as a tree – I will get my branches. In a hurry I had to find a stand and on my way out I noticed -50% on Christmas lights. I was equipped for Christmas!

First … where do you put a Christmas tree that has been in -30C in an apartment?

Yep! Balcony is one wonderful place for it to acclimatize overnight until my bathroom was cool enough for next step of defrosting.

Half an hour in there to get the worst ice and snow off and then to cool of in front of balcony door. Slowly this tree started to unveil its beauty. Whoa! Isn’t it gorgeous?

Ready to receive some decorations. Hmm … Where should I get those? There was nothing other to do than get busy and make some myself. Voilà!

PS. Naah, too lazy to actually clue those paper chains – using a stapler is way easier :)

December 25, 2010

Merry Christmas!

label: and some things — CV @ 9:21 PM

To all my virtual and non-virtual friends :D

December 23, 2010

what a feeling!

label: and some things — CV @ 11:33 PM

I have Christmas feeling! Whoa! It came without any planning. Just arrived and now it is here. Opened my fridge door and it is packed with stuff. Not a normal sight in this apartment. Outside is -20C and more (I had already forgotten how -28C feels like, huh!). Amazing winter with pink skies and bright stars, moonrises and white fields. World frozen into white magic.

So we’ll see what happens tomorrow. Maybe I will cook and clean and do Christmas. Who knows? I even ended up having a Christmas tree today :)

another morning

label: and some things — CV @ 10:12 AM

-20C!!! That is impossible!!!

December 22, 2010

another moment

label: and some things — CV @ 5:35 PM

Shopping with Musi at La Sensa lingerie shop.

Musi: “I want all those cute pyjamas! Look at those fluffy pink slippers! Ahh, touch it! That bath-robe is so soft. I wish I had it!”
Me: “How can you like this stuff? That is so … tacky.”
Musi: “I never get you, how can you not like it?! What do you wear then?”
Me: “Silk.”
Musi: “We have always been so different.”

Yeah, best friends since childhood :D

December 21, 2010

all that drama

label: and some things — CV @ 9:19 PM

How is it possible that some people do not understand that you can’t force someone to love you? If (s)he doesn’t love you, (s)he doesn’t love you. It doesn’t get any simpler. No matter how much you threaten or blackmail (or whatever you do), it doesn’t change that. Why grown-ups just can’t understand and comply? I know from experience that it isn’t THAT hard to do. Who needs all that drama?

I saw some serious drama last weekend in Estonia. I feel so tired and depressed after all of it. Yelling at your husband in front of your kid and relative doesn’t get you anywhere. I resent people who act like that. Especially women. If you continuously can’t handle your emotions – go see a doctor. There are specialists for that. Everybody hurts sometimes and that is normal, but you deal with it and when there is time to make decisions, find solutions, make plans – you leave those emotions to were they belong. Torturing yourself and others around you is not healthy for anyone. It is a mystery for me how people don’t understand that there is nothing to achieve by force when feelings are in question.

I said all of it straight into my brother’s wife’s face, but it doesn’t change anything. I feel so sorry for my 7 year old niece who has to listen and hear and feel her parents problems just because one of them can’t face the truth. She refuses to speak or find any solution. No one says it should be easy, but come on! Get a grip! All those accusations, scenes and bitching won’t get you anywhere. You only hurt your kid. Permanently. No one should ever hear her mother telling in front of her about “how she should have been aborted”.

Who needs all that drama?
It doesn’t matter who did what – the outcome is still the same. So, live and let live.

I feel sick with worry. Situation seemingly without a solution. I shouldn’t worry – it isn’t my life, it isn’t my problem, but I can’t help myself. I worry.

Where those stupid* women come from?!

* stupid – lacking intelligence or common sense (I have to add dictionary explanation to a word that usually is so misunderstood)

December 17, 2010

another realization

label: and some things — CV @ 5:50 PM

Kaamos is pink.

December 16, 2010

swiss cheese

label: and some things — CV @ 1:30 AM

The plan is starting to formulate itself in my head. It doesn’t matter that it has as many holes as swiss cheese. It is there and that’s what matters. It is there instead of the panic and knots and heavy weight and all the drama. I don’t care about the “ifs” and “whens”. I have a plan. It has an outline and a direction and a back up and a back up for a back up. Glimmer of hope.

December 15, 2010

another morning

label: and some things — CV @ 1:20 PM

I made an experiment this morning while driving to work.

I had to stop to let few snowploughs pass. I made an experiment and smiled to all the snowplough drivers while looking straight into their eyes. They waved me back! They waved me back like they know me :)

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