February 28, 2011

another realization

label: and some things — CV @ 3:30 PM

Today is the day of unfortunate calls. Maybe I should stop answering my phone so the bad news won’t reach me?

February 26, 2011

another realization

label: and some things — CV @ 4:39 PM

I am a magnet. Messmagnet. It is amazing how I attract all kind of mess.

February 24, 2011

no time to write

label: and some things — CV @ 10:29 PM


Packing and moving and packing and running around and trying to stay on top of administrative errands.


February 23, 2011

another day on slope

label: and some things — CV @ 11:42 PM

-22C and frozen eyelashes. Empty slopes and my joy over it. Ice, ice and ice. Everything I breathed on froze, especially my ski mask in front of my nose. Falling and sliding down the hill head first on my back. Laugh! That was the best about this evening. Laugh!

label: and some things — CV @ 5:52 PM

I am so scared that I feel sick.


label: and some things — CV @ 12:59 AM

I hate Tallink on Estonian side. I hate it, I hate it, I hate it! I wish there was an alternative to travel between Tallinn and Helsinki, but there isn’t. Departure from Helsinki is usually totally OK and no complains, but on Tallinn’s side … ARRRGH! Every time they enrage me and I arrive at home in a really bad mood.

I was the last car, and I mean literally last car, off the last ship at Helsinki tonight. Was I last to arrive at check in? No. Was I even late to arrive at check in? No. Was I last to arrive to the ship? No. Did my car have trouble driving off the ship? No. It is just the way Tallink works. You may be the first person in check in and they still arrange you to be among the last to get off (has happened to me). Those guys who are in charge of the car loading should get themselves some Statoil gift packages. I wish they would burn!

February 21, 2011

another moment

label: and some things — CV @ 11:26 PM

Sitting with Rein and talking, talking, talking. It was nice to see him after all those years. Calming. The way he is.

A moment. We were earnestly engaged in discussion about wrinkles and puffy eyes. No, I was not the one to start it. Rein complained about getting old!

February 20, 2011

trip down the memory lane

label: and some things — CV @ 2:16 AM

I am in Tallinn. At Mustamäe apartment all alone. Mom is away somewhere and I have this place all to myself. I took the trip down the memory lane. Old LP’s and photos and mom’s jewelry – all the things I loved to go through when I was a kid home alone.

I was the first to move into this apartment some 20 years ago. Into this whole building to be exact (and it is 13-storey building). Few months ahead of my family. It was winter and it was cold. Truly. The heaters were not turned on fully yet and the only warm place in this apartment was in hot bath. I was the cleanest girl in my class :P as I was taking a bath twice a day. A boyfriend of mine back then even managed to throw a stone to my window the way that it cracked. I never got that window fixed. It went to the place where memories live when I finally changed all windows here just before I moved to Finland. It is cold winter right now too. I did take a long (and I mean long) bath.

Old LP’s (sorry non-estonian readers, you will have no clue what I will talk about next). First Karavan found its way to LP-player. It would be weird if it wasn’t so. I am that generation of girls. Second choice is probably weirder – Heli Lääts. I have always loved her voice. It is great. I loved to listen to her a lot back when I was only a child and I still do. “Tallinn, mu Tallinn” – it always plays in my head when I return to my hometown since the first time I moved away from here, to Tartu to study. The first sight of Tallinn and its towers, especially when coming over the sea from north side, always reminds me of that song.

Funny thing, I have no problem to remember how to use LP-player even thou we didn’t have one for almost 20 years (since moving to this apartment). We kept all the LP’s just in case and tonight I was really happy that we did.

Jewelry. I have been wondering lately (since watching Taarka) if mom still has those silver ethnic brooches and yes she does. They are still here, safely tucked away in the same jewelry box as they were 30 years ago. I have never seen any of them used. I was begging for a chance to use one at least once for Song Festival, but never got the permission. Even the pearl necklace is still exactly as it has been since I broke it decades ago. Same small box, same lining. It is amazing how parents can actually command time to stand still. I wonder were my restless soul comes from …

Photos. Looking at the faces of my ancestors and wondering whom I take after. My niece seems to be a mirror image of my grandmother on father’s side. I … I don’t know. My grandmother on mother’s side seems to be the closest match, but not that close.

Father’s albums are the most interesting ones as I don’t know almost anything about my relatives on that side. My mother has done some research and some of those strangers on the photos have gotten names written beside them. Also found those banned photos of my father’s funeral and tears poured down for awhile. I have no recollection of that day and I will forever be indebted to J for all that he did.

Life is … what it is, but what I wanted to say is, that I’ve messed up. Nothing has gone the way it should have. Not having any real life plan hasn’t helped also. Yet, looking at those photos, moments of someone else’s life and knowing parts of their future after those photos – most of us mess up. No worries. It can always be worse.

February 18, 2011

another morning

label: and some things — CV @ 3:29 PM

Today has been actually a good day with good news (not the ones I would have wished, but I don’t think I have any right to whine considering how things have been going lately). Seems like I found a place to stay. I think that having a roof still over my head in 10 days counts for something. Just to balance it all out some annoying stuff also happened. Annoying.

There is that thought that has been circling my head lately. Age. When is it too late to start over? When is someone too old to start again? When do we have to settle down?

February 15, 2011

another realization

label: and some things — CV @ 10:10 AM

Murphy is a bitch! Now when I have time to sleep, I seem to have acquired some form of insomnia. This seriously sucks!

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