October 31, 2011

Christmas tree

label: haven — CV @ 6:46 PM

Yes, it is October. It is snowing in New York and there is +10 degrees Celsius constantly in Finland.

… and I saw my first Christmas tree on Saturday 29th of October. Decorated and all. This is seriously messed up!

October 28, 2011


label: haven — CV @ 9:22 PM

So, those are just hormons …

Lets elaborate a bit.

I have always evaluated my life based on 3 aspects – work, personal life and finances. There has always been at least one of them up. I haven’t paid much attention to physical aspect of my life, because troubles with it pass usually pretty fast. I am happy when I have 2 aspects up and one down. Don’t remember times when all 3 were down. I can handle 2 aspects down as long as at least one is up and I can hold on to that much. Right now everything is down low. Even the physical aspect that I usually don’t even notice.

Work. I had a project to do. The new system was supposed to be tested by mid October and up and running when I leave for maternity leave. That was the job I had to do. We bought the new system in July … It is still not even tested because the supplier sold some air and has been “solving” the compatibility problems all those months. They don’t even know in principal how it should work. I leave for maternity leave in 2 weeks and there will not be any replacement for me. I have no system to give over and no information how to instruct those who are supposed to start using the system. I am seriously fucked and it is my problem because it means the phone will be ringing while I am supposed to be at home focusing on my new life situation with a kid. I can’t also turn my back on all of it, because I need a job to come back to. I don’t want to take a risk and look for a job in foreign country with 9 month old baby during next economical crises. I don’t have any safety-net here. Ou, but those are just hormones! And am only imagining it all.

Personal life. I saw my special somebody last time for 3 hours on my birthday (yeah, he pulled last year all over again and I spent my birthday home alone once again despite of all the nice plans we had). Before that it was in the end of September. He was supposed to be here tonight, but he canceled again and next time I hopefully see him is in mid November after my maternity leave starts. I am doing all this expectancy time alone. Totally. Physically, emotionally, financially. Ou, but those are just hormones! I am not the first and last single mom in the world, so seeing it a bit hard can only mean hormonal reaction to totally normal situation.

Finances. There is a bit over 2000 euro hole in my finances right now. Surprises of October. Additional income tax payable in amount of bit over 1000 euro in December and my car broke down and all this fixing cost me a bit over 1000 euros this month. Ou! Those are also only hormones! I probably have some stash of thousands of euros stashed away somewhere and my pregnant hormonal brain simply doesn’t remember it. In some people lives those sums may be small, but not in my universe. In my universe they are catastrophic, especially when I also have child insurances to pay and a lot of stuff still to buy for this kid (and don’t lecture me about second hand stuff, I haven’t bought a single new thing for this baby). I won’t even mention the problems with my maternity benefit (or should I say the lack of it).

But ou! She is pregnant so she has no real troubles and it is just hormonal. Pregnant women don’t have real problems, they are simply hormonal and every person on earth has an obligation to remind them of it. Thank you very much! I tell you what is hormonal. Me reacting to an ignorant and rude comment on my last post – that is hormonal.

label: haven — CV @ 7:43 AM

I look into the mirror through tears and wonder: what happened to that girl in 3 years? No more on top of the world, happy, energetic, crazy girl. I can’t seem to rember how it felt any more. How it felt to be me and not to cry constantly.

He misses all the things from this time that will never come back. He doesn’t know how active this girl of his actually is. How she kicks and pokes and …

Behind the train window there is another mystically beautiful October morning. Foggy and soft.

October 25, 2011

amazing October

label: haven — CV @ 3:50 PM

It is 25th of October today and I went to lunch without a jacket. Whoa! Am I as north as I am or …?

Blue skies, sunshine and no wind whatsoever. If the sun wasn’t so low, one could totally imagine that it is the beginning of September and not the end of October.

This October has been amazing weatherwise. At least something is golden and nice to balance all the other stuff.

October 21, 2011

another realization

label: haven — CV @ 2:11 PM

Visiting Estonia gets more and more depressing with every visit. I am beaten.

October 17, 2011

another realization

label: haven — CV @ 10:55 PM

Life is unfair.

Why it is so hard to accept it and live with it? Why do I rebel against it? It would be so much easier to “forgive and forget” and move on.

Come on Vaike! Life is unfair and there is nothing you can do about it. Live with it!

October 15, 2011

another year

label: haven — CV @ 11:29 PM

I really thought I have it figured out by the time I turn 35. Actually I am a bigger mess than when I turned 20. Ou, well. If this is how it is supposed to be, then let it be. I probably never figure myself out – so what? This last year has been rough. I rather not look back. I only hope that the next year in my life will be better. A lot better.

With all this wishful thinking I wish myself “happy birthday”. This year in my life will be awesome!

October 10, 2011

another spark

label: haven — CV @ 7:30 AM

There was this really stylish couple. Goth head to toe. The guy had long leather coat and all the metal stuff that comes with style. And a reflector!!! At the right height and place. How cool is that?

October 5, 2011

another realization

label: haven — CV @ 7:17 AM

Why can’t I ever remember – socks first and then trousers and other stuff? How do fat people manage at all?!

October 1, 2011

do you want it badly enough?

label: haven — CV @ 3:21 PM

TED – inspiring once again. I know/feel/agree with everything Dan is saying. “Where there’s a will, there’s a way” – one of the sayings I live by. He really is everything he talks about. Everyone who has met him, or has been part of event organized by him, knows that.

I really liked how Dan approaches “leap of faith” in totally new way for me. I never thought about jumping out of the plane as leap of faith. I have always considered certain life choices to be in that category (when you make a decision to trust), but not skydiving.

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