December 31, 2011


label: haven — CV @ 11:36 PM


This year my life changed forever and nothing will ever be the same.

New job, new dimensions, new place to live, new life, new directions, new … even me in some ways. I had to really reassess myself again to cope with all this year threw my way. I started this year at a low point – no job, no place to live, no direction, no desires. I built it up. I made plans, did everything to make them happen – only to drop it all and start over from the scratch. I built it up once more. Despite lacking the faith that it would work out as good as it finally did. I don’t think I am ready yet to summarize year 2011. This year was so different from all the other years in my life that I need some distance between me and this year.

Just some keywords that first come to mind: fear, intimacy, depression, tears, pain, joy, accomplishment, loss, loneliness, love, silence, disappointment and the foremost – Ayra. This year is my journey through myself to meet her just few days before the year was over. The unexpected gift from life that turned everything around. I am grateful to have had this year in my life because of Ayra.

* as in: involving or causing a complete or dramatic change

December 29, 2011

another realization

label: haven — CV @ 10:01 PM

Labor. I expected giving birth to be a much worse than it was. Yet, at the same time I can’t imagine what is that “worse”.

December 27, 2011


label: haven — CV @ 9:48 PM

Ayra Mirjam Helene Õiglane 54cm/4515g was born on 27th of December at 10:31 in Hämeenlinna.

December 24, 2011

Christmas wish

label: haven — CV @ 2:56 PM

Please dear child, don’t be born during Christmas. You will hate it the rest of your life.

PS. To everybody else I wish merry Christmas and may your Christmas wishes come true!

December 22, 2011

days of Tchaikovsky

label: haven — CV @ 10:33 PM

Last few days have been Tchaikovsky days. Somehow I keep stumbling onto his music. I just have to share some of it. It suits well for winter’s first day.

unexpected gift

label: haven — CV @ 1:26 AM

I am getting frustrated. Nothing seems to go the way I expected, wanted, hoped. I’ve been stressed out about lot of things for last few months. Or who am I kidding?! I’ve been stressed out since I saw those two stripes. Everything is such a mess because of it.


I have to remind myself sometimes … my own attitude towards things in my life is the leading force. If I can’t change the way things are, I can change how I look at them. And above all – would I trade those two stripes for anything? NO! That baby growing inside of me is a very unexpected gift. With drawbacks, to be sure, but mostly in a practical sense. In any other way she is a gift.

December 20, 2011

another spark

label: haven — CV @ 8:12 PM

CV says: <- poke CV says: just out of boredom :P prof says: quit annoying me and do something useful prof says: like giving birth or something ... That is the best one I've got so far :D LOL

December 19, 2011

another realization

label: haven — CV @ 10:02 AM

If this continues then I have to put the Christmas decorations up with this huge belly. I guess it isn’t the safest thing to do – climbing around the house while 9+ months pregnant, but I am bored and Christmas is this weekend!

annoyances of pregnancy

label: haven — CV @ 1:38 AM

Still waiting for the real thing to happen so I kill my time with all kind of things. Everything is tidy and in order and I even ironed the last load of stuff tonight. Now it is time to kill my time with writing I guess.

There are little (and not so little) annoyances during the pregnancy. Some of them came as a total surprise and others were expected.

First thing you notice is the discomfort of your pants. They still fit without a problem, but when you sit down you notice that it isn’t comfortable any more. You don’t have the luxury of having any pressure on you tummy any more. Choices are – stand more or change clothes. Later … don’t even dream about wearing pants! I am really, really happy that I own so many dresses and skirts. I don’t know what I would have done without those. I will probably wear more of my jeans and other trousers next year as I am sick and tired of my “limited” wardrobe this year. Still, dresses are lifesavers!

Worst part about the clothes was my freefly jumpsuit. Last time I managed to squeeze myself into it was at Midsummer. Blaah! Of course the clothes part was totally expected, but the fact that it affected me so soon on skydiving front was a sorrowful thing to accept. Luckily my FS-suit fitted me until I had to stop skydiving anyway. The last weeks were tight (oh so tight!), but still manageable.

Bras. I got lucky, because I have some bras that are a bit big on a cup size for me. My real size is total rarity (try to find 85A anywhere!). Now I just got rid of all the pads in them and I managed to go without buying any new bras until the end when I already geared up with nursing bras.

As soon as the news is out people start treating you like you are made of porcelain. Come on! I go according to how I feel and no one needs to tell me that I can’t bow, walk, work, skydive etc. Yes, I didn’t go inline skating this year because it is dangerous. Yes, I did skydive and this babygirl has around 100 skydives. I am totally happy with both decisions. I calculated the risks, I made conscious decisions where and what to do. There was no need to make such fuss about it all the time. I really got tired of defending myself. And those looks I got …

Being sick at the beginning. That was really tiring and I was exhausted most of the time. I think this part of pregnancy was the hardest to bear. All of those who have that sickness time easy are the lucky ones. Why do they call it morning sickness anyway? At least I was sick all through the day. I survived only on milk and oranges. Grocery shopping was a total nightmare – I really had to plan how to survive those. All the smells in the store made me sick as soon as I entered. How many times I made a dinner and didn’t eat it because I couldn’t suddenly bear the smell? I had to almost force-feed myself. Huhh. Don’t want to remember that time.

I was physically OK for a really long time. No back pains or anything. The first time I noticed, that “hmmm, girl you are pregnant!” was after I stopped skydiving and started to do other things on weekends to fill the void. It was after one 15 km hike when I suddenly felt that it had been too much. That was funny thing to notice. Like wtf? How can I be that tired and why the hell do my feet hurt? I should have known that it will get worse. It did. One wrong move and I was almost paralyzed for 5 days and couldn’t get up or walk. The physical annoyances kicked in after seventh month mostly.

Socks and shoes and manicure. Should I even mention that? Grrrhh. How do fat people do it? Seriously? It will be interesting thing to be able to do again – tying my shoe laces.

What has been a total surprise is that my fingers hurt like hell. It is really painful to make a fist. Try opening a water bottle or anything with screw lid! Or lift anything. Truly unexpected.

I actually thought that in some ways being pregnant is much more difficult and in some ways much more easier, than it is. I wonder how much and how fast will I forget? I also can’t remember right now how it felt not to be pregnant :)

December 16, 2011


label: haven — CV @ 4:50 PM

The due date came and went and I am still at home huge as one can be. Restless and unable to fall asleep in the evenings, scared of what the next morning may bring.

Afraid? Yep.

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