September 30, 2015

another about Ayra

label: still here — CV @ 1:43 PM

My little music lover, who also loves being in control. The perfect mix for a conductor.

September 27, 2015

freaky me

label: still here — CV @ 1:59 PM

I would have expected anything. I could think anything else, but not that.

He actually does not like me.

7 years later and he only now finds out/tells me – that he doesn’t like my essence. He probably liked the idea of me, but he never realised that he doesn’t want to be in a relationship with a person like me. How many people got hurt on the way, how much time wasted, how many tears were shed, so he could tell me, that he can’t take my honesty and frankness, because it offends him?

And I never pretended to be anything else. Anything better.

I do not understand people. I think I am a freak. I just do not get this world and people in it any more.

Whatever. My favourite word of late. Whatever. To remind me that those things do not matter any more. I can’t change it, I have to accept it.

A bottle of wine and a friend would be nice in this god forsaken place in the middle of nowhere.

There is going to be a lot of ranting in this blog in months to come. Or a total silence.

EDIT: How can I come in terms with Ayra not growing up with her father only just because I am me? Not that there was absence of love or anything. Just because I am not acceptable.

another song

label: still here — CV @ 12:31 AM

Heartbreak songs. There are more, but those were the ones I looked for tonight.

September 20, 2015

just another

label: still here — CV @ 8:17 PM

I excel at crashing by now. Everything in my life is an irony.

September 10, 2015

just another

label: still here — CV @ 5:10 PM

I sometimes wonder about my “head” when I lie awake at night. What made me the way I am and why can’t I get it quite right? The things that feel essential/basic/elementary to me, seem to be mystery to the ones around me. Why do I see the world so differently?

And yet. The first year in school has been enlightening. All those essential/basic/elementary ideas keep poping up from the books I read. People, way smarter than me, saying that, this is how things should be. And yet, I feel like a loner when I live and act based on these concepts.

Yeah. Being socially a total wrecking ball doesn’t help either. I have always admired people, who know how to behave to get along. The skill that I so totally lack. I do understand how to break ice and how to talk to people. That is easy. Also flirt and maybe even seduction, but not much beyond that.

I think I have too many assumptions about others. I am exactly that naive that, when other person has attended the same lecture, read the same book or even agreed with me about some viewpoint – I assume that they act accordingly. It goes beyond my understanding why someone would not apply the knowledge acquired. So if I know that someone has the knowledge, I expect certain kind of behaviour based on that. No wonder I keep ending up in frustrated faux pas and call people stupid.

Why does my mind work so differently?

I am burning the bridges again. I think. At least I am really good at burning bridges.

September 4, 2015

another about Ayra

label: still here — CV @ 7:11 PM

Ayra: “How do we get to India*?”
Me: “By airplane.”
Ayra: “But I am too young to jump out of an airplane!”

Only a skydiver’s child.

* No, we are not planning a trip there right now.

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