October 19, 2015

another moment

label: still here — CV @ 4:35 PM

3:30AM. Tallinn is silent. The fog has wrapped itself like a blanket around the city. I stop and listen to cease another mesmerising moment.

I didn’t know a city can be so silent. The breathing sound of a city is always constant. Even Hämeenlinna and Harjavalta are never silent. One has a motorway running through the middle of it, and the other has the industry factories operating 24/7.

In this Monday morning 3:30AM fog, Tallinn isn’t breathing.

October 18, 2015

another moment

label: still here — CV @ 12:03 AM

Just for a moment I forgot that my life has changed. Just for a moment I forgot that He is not part of my life any more. In this tired state, in the middle of the night, I was thinking along the lines of “we”.

There are routines, that were there already before, and when you find yourself in a routine like that, it is so easy to forget that the context has changed. Until the reality hit me. With brutality. Knocking the wind out me. Making me feel surreal about myself and my life and everything around me.

His life is his.

My life is mine.

There is no more us.

Damn it hurts. It really hurts. I can’t imagine my life without Him, so I just have to learn, one day at a time. I love this saying about possible things “If you can imagine it, you can achieve it.”. How can I live without Him, if I can’t imagine it?

October 15, 2015

39

label: still here — CV @ 11:07 PM

Happy birthday to me!

I finished my to-do list just few minutes shy of midnight. I do have day off, even my must to-do list is empty for the day. I did take some things into my new temporary home today. Oh, how I wish in some future I would have a home. Just home not a temporary one, but for now, another temporary place should do.

Sadness. Not so new in my birthdays for past years. At least I am not angry or raged. That is good. There is no fear of getting older. I don’t mind. But I definitely do mind that I am still loose. I sometimes wish I had those problems – fear of getting old and similar – instead of the ones I have.

Sitting here with a sip of cognac and listening to ever so masterful Yo-Yo Ma.

Enjoy!

October 14, 2015

another question

label: still here — CV @ 11:40 PM

Friend of mine asked a question the other day that has been nagging on me ever since. It went along the lines of something like, maybe we are the kind of people, who need to live separately to have a good relationship.

Slippery-slippery road for my week mind. Ray of hope to kill the reasonability. So the only way out of this swamp was to think it trough. I finally came to the conclusion that no, he may be, but I am not. I need someone to share my life with, I have always looked for a partner. Equal. To talk, to love, to share.

October 13, 2015

full circle

label: still here — CV @ 9:05 PM

I found a post from 31st of October 2008. I have come a full circle. Not a single new truth. My words from that day are as true for today as they are for the past.

“It’s not an issue of “can handle”, it’s an issue of, is it worth it.”.

Finally I understand.

Why I never understood it before? I am just not worth it. Never was. Love looses its meaning the moment it gets too hard, too complicated. Choice. That is all that it is. And was.

With all of them.

fear

label: still here — CV @ 8:56 PM

Fear is the absence of faith.

I have not had faith in anything for a long time …

moving. again.

label: still here — CV @ 6:26 PM

The bridges are burned.

I signed the lease and I am moving. Again.

another moment

label: still here — CV @ 12:03 AM

I curl up into His arms and don’t say a word.

Human touch. I long for it. I crave for it.

Just one moment of perfectness, when I can delude myself into thinking that this warm human being besides me actually wants to understand me, share my values, truly care for me.


I know it is not Him. It is me. A long list of exes have told me, that I am impossible and I probably I am. So I stay silent for this moment of self deception to last. Just for a moment longer …

The last moments …

October 12, 2015

stunning October

label: still here — CV @ 9:34 PM

This October has been stunningly beautiful.

Golden light.
Blue skies.
Fogs.
Windless days.
Frost.

… and a touch of sadness to wrap it in blue …

another realization

label: still here — CV @ 8:58 PM

I had a long conversation with a friend today. About everything and … at one moment she asked me:”How about moving back to Estonia? Time has passed, things have changed.”.

There were times, when I didn’t have to explain, why I do not want to go back to Estonia. 12 years later, almost 8 years abroad, the question popped up and I felt that I had to answer it not only to her, but mainly to verbalise it also to myself. Has anything changed for me? Can I go back?

No. I can’t. I do not feel safe in Estonia and I do not see any feeling of safety returning in near future, at least for now. That betrayal of trust cut so deep.

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