January 20, 2016

another realization

label: still here — CV @ 1:30 AM

I think I really dislike people who command silence. Those who can cold-heartedly just stone-wall you. I sometimes wish, I would be able to do that, and then I remember how awful it is to the one being ignored.

I am really, really bad at the receiving end of it. It literally drives me insane.

January 18, 2016

full circle recycle

label: still here — CV @ 10:45 PM

I bought a really nice light blue cardigan way, way ago (when I was young and beautiful). I think maybe 15+ years ago? Anyway, nice quality cardigan that I wore not daily, but often enough. Then I managed to wash it once on a cycle too hot for it and it shrunk. So I gave it forward, for someone smaller than me to use it. I know that later a hole was torn into one of the sleeves, so she moderated it for her baby girl. Last time I got a bag of clothes for Ayra from her, I found my old resewed cardigan in the bottom of the bag. I love the moderations she made. The cardigan looks really good. A year, and it will fit Ayra.

I feel stupid today

label: still here — CV @ 12:33 AM

I feel so stupid right now. Why do I always ignore the facts? I have the gift of acquiring information. Information always finds its way to me, even when I am not looking, but sometimes I want to ignore the truth so much, that I manage to deceive myself and put the knowledge aside. Of course it can only end with me landing face first in the dirt. Like now. But I never learn.

Now I have that burning knot in my stomach. It is really difficult to draw a deep breath, because there is no room for air. There is only that burning hurt, shame … a knot of my being. “I do not want to think! I do not want to know!” are the only yelling thoughts circling in my head. I am too afraid to let myself think anything else. I hold on to hope that maybe, just maybe, if I manage to avoid thinking about it, then it will go away or I will avoid the crash. Yet I know that when I go to bed tonight, I will crash. There is no escape of your thoughts, when you want to fall asleep. So I decided to take the easier path and write. Maybe it helps (even if I talk around the corners) and I will get some sleep.

… and I know I will be in some black hole for awhile now …

January 10, 2016

just another

label: still here — CV @ 11:49 PM

I have been pondering about a decision for 3 weeks. Today I finally decided that I am too tired to swim against the current any more. I decided to give up and let go of another dream/idea/plan I have had for as long as I can remember. Not always on the front, but always lurking somewhere in the background.

Ayra is a child only once in her life. I can choose not to do some things out of egoism for some years. My other decisions are taking a toll on her anyway.

So, I am going to write an e-mail now, that I am not going to Canada. Again.

January 1, 2016

another Happy New Year

label: still here — CV @ 1:30 AM

Do NOT say New Years resolutions will fail. I quit smoking as one of my New Year’s resolution. It was one of the hardest things I have done in my life, but I did it. I know it has been 8 years since that resolution, but today I suddenly remembered that. They keep telling in the radio and in other media not to make resolutions, because those resolutions fail. Don’t believe that. Make a promise and commit to it.

I do make New Year’s resolutions this year. -15kg as a goal (whenever I reach it, even if it will be next year), learn to sleep and I want to fall in love again. I want to prove myself that it still exists (butterflies, I mean). I am so down and so depressed and so lost of light. I want to believe again and even if it is just a fling, it would be enough to prove that chemistry exists.

Yesh, Happy New Years!

I think it is becoming a tradition, that I will spend all my New Year’s in Finland alone. That is just it. Somehow I am becoming used to it. This year was no exception.

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