January 18, 2016

I feel stupid today

label: still here — CV @ 12:33 AM

I feel so stupid right now. Why do I always ignore the facts? I have the gift of acquiring information. Information always finds its way to me, even when I am not looking, but sometimes I want to ignore the truth so much, that I manage to deceive myself and put the knowledge aside. Of course it can only end with me landing face first in the dirt. Like now. But I never learn.

Now I have that burning knot in my stomach. It is really difficult to draw a deep breath, because there is no room for air. There is only that burning hurt, shame … a knot of my being. “I do not want to think! I do not want to know!” are the only yelling thoughts circling in my head. I am too afraid to let myself think anything else. I hold on to hope that maybe, just maybe, if I manage to avoid thinking about it, then it will go away or I will avoid the crash. Yet I know that when I go to bed tonight, I will crash. There is no escape of your thoughts, when you want to fall asleep. So I decided to take the easier path and write. Maybe it helps (even if I talk around the corners) and I will get some sleep.

… and I know I will be in some black hole for awhile now …

No impressions (interesting why?)


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