March 17, 2016

another realization

label: still here — CV @ 10:26 AM

Of course you feel like you have done nothing wrong! If you did/do not love then it doesn’t bother you. You also woudn’t understand, why the other is hurting. For you there is nothing to hurt about.

March 16, 2016


label: still here — CV @ 8:50 PM

Today has been much better day. Way better!*

I woke up to blue skies and sun peeking into my kitchen window. The plan was physiotherapy at 9AM, then to school and then to be productive during the evening. Considering last evening and night, I woke up with a good feeling, surprisingly.

This was already a 3rd time with physiotherapy. I have had major problems with my back on and off for the last 7-9 years. Last year it went from bad to worse. I found myself unable to even get to the toilet on my own at times. After the last pain attack in the end of last October, I got the doctors recommendation note for physiotherapy. Breaking up, moving out, Christmas, depression etc.; all took their own time, and I found myself finally at physiotherapist in the beginning of this month.

She is adorable! Ray of sunlight. She is so beautiful (IMHO), that I keep staring at her. Sorry about that, she is also really good at her job. All physiotherapists should be like her. Caring, good listener and very good at giving personal guidance. Only 3 weeks and I already have had much help from her. I am off painkillers, not pain free, but off painkillers (read: sound minded, able to function). I really enjoy our sessions and I am so sorry that my financial state is so poor, that I can’t do all 10 times as I am supposed to; but she even understands that and tries to work around it, by giving me more individual tasks and seeing me next in 3 weeks. Laughing this morning with her, being around her radiant happiness, gave such a positive start to my day. A person who seems to enjoy, what she does, and does it well. I see her as a role model. I want to be that happy, radiant and professional one day!

And the bill was like 100€ less than I thought it will be for those first 3 visits. What a relief!

*While writing this post, I had a total crash. Like “crying and screaming on the floor” kind of crash. It takes one wrong sentence or word or expression or … and it all comes crashing down. Me and my big mouth. Me and my refusal to play those “I am so strong and nothing can touch me” games. I got what I deserved – the knowledge how bad person I am, how children are afraid of me and so on. The fairytale story-book bad witch step-mom, but not even beautiful, because I am fat and ugly.

Alcohol takes the edge off.

As TT said, this is what friends are for. To call them in the middle of desperation, crying, and ask for help. They do help. I’ve done at least this right in my life – I have those people to call. I haven’t run out of them yet. Thank you! Thank you from the bottom of my heart for being there for me now! I truly hope that I can be as good friend for any of you. Sometimes, when I lie awake in bed and try to find anything to be grateful for in that day (so I can latch my thoughts into something positive), I have that to fall back to – friends. I can always be grateful for having best friends in the world. Even thou they are far, even thou I have almost totally disappeared last 5-6 years, I still have them.

PS. Something for those who read Estonian. Friends.

just another

label: still here — CV @ 12:42 AM

I cannot sleep. The thoughts keep racing in my head. Unfairness is something that has thrown me off-balance as long as I can remember. When I am treated differently, than others, or when I am being lied to, I get really hurt. “Crying my heart out and screaming from torment” hurt. Unreasonable and unfair behaviour towards me is torture.

So I lie here and I can’t understand. Why others are treated differently? And reasonably. What is so wrong with me, that I did not deserve that? Why do I always bring the worst out of people? Or, why removing me from equation balances everything?

I keep repeating the mantra “Life is unfair. Let it go.”, but it doesn’t help tonight.

March 15, 2016

another morning

label: still here — CV @ 10:29 AM

Will this ever get easier? This “everything passes” takes a bit too much time. Another bit of information and I come crashing down to the abyss. The people who have the power to make you happiest also have the power to hurt you the most.

Just another morning.

It is supposed to be the warmest and sunniest day today and I am confined to school until late afternoon.

March 12, 2016

sleep over screen

label: still here — CV @ 10:52 PM

I sat behind a computer and thought I will post about the random ideas I have stashed away during the week. Dancing and music and attitude and stories and the Murphy morning and exam week in school. Instead I decided to go to sleep. I promised myself that I will learn to sleep this year. I owe it to myself, my daughter and … it is so much easier to live with all the stress, if you are not sleep deprived.

So, have a good night, don’t stay up and forget yourself in internet. Go to bed and learn to sleep. At least I will.

March 11, 2016

another about Ayra

label: still here — CV @ 9:23 PM

Today was a day that childhood memories are made of. Or at least what I want my memories of Ayra’s childhood to be. We were enjoying our lazy day from start to finish. No agenda, no “must do”, no stress or worries for today. We had our day without interruptions or any fights. It is time to go to bed and I am smiling. I am happy right here and now.

March 7, 2016

another day

label: still here — CV @ 7:08 PM

Ayra’s favorite place at home is in front of her bookshelf. I picked her up today, played few rounds of snowball fight outside, but as soon as we got home, she placed herself in front of the bookshelf, picked a book and started reading. Don’t get me wrong, she does not read yet (4-year-old!), but she takes a book and recites it to herself. Page after page. She remembers all the stories so well :) It is interesting to listen how she recites an Estonian book in Finnish. The translation comes so seamlessly for her from Estonian to Finnish, but not the other way around. I love my 4-year-old. She is so full of life and stories and excitement and new skills and … Amazing era!

I managed to unpack some “messy” boxes. You know the boxes that hold the papers, documents, and other stuff classified as “home office”. I almost managed to find a new place to all of it and threw out like half of the box, but there is one bundle of things, that I haven’t been able to place yet. Grrr. Why can’t your old stuff never fit into your new home without alterations? The moving would be so much easier.

I should be studying for exams tomorrow and after tomorrow, but instead I try to find things to keep me busy. Otherwise my mind will play tricks and get lost in the endless vicious cycle of asking “Why?”. I know the answer and attitude to take – “Life is unfair, let it go!” – but it isn’t that simple. It never is.

PS. I think I am over my barrier of writing. I don’t think I care any more if he tries to tell me that I shouldn’t. Step forward?

March 6, 2016

stil inadequate

label: still here — CV @ 3:33 PM

I have been racking my brain since yesterday trying to come up with any character traits, that would justify a reason to have a relationship with me. I can’t. I do not see anything in me that would make me lovable. Yeah, I know, depression lies and it can totally be that this is the case, but … There is that nagging “but” since I was a teenager. Something broken so long ago. I took the idea of not being good enough and turned it into a self-destructive force like teenagers do. Until I met him so-so many years later in my life. Until then I had always burned the candle from the both ends, somehow always balancing on the edge of the abyss and sanity. I met him and I stopped. I was ready to stop the destruction and working for it already, so it wasn’t only him, but it was also a lot of his influence too. I do not want to become self-destructive again and I probably won’t, because of Ayra, but finding the self-esteem is not easy, when I can’t figure out anything worth while in me.

Damn, my blog has become really depressing. I should rather restore the lost parts from 2012-2015 instead of writing new ones. I do have good moments too. In-between the tears and crashes sometimes the world stops and lets me breath. Playing with Ayra, noticing nature, sunrises and sunsets. There are also good sides of the break-up. I get along with Ayra so much better. I do not yell any more so much, because I am less of a nerve wreck, I have more patience and above all, I have the freedom to be myself with her. I even have time to exercise. I talk to people again, timidly, but still.

PS. Called Arutu with the question. It took him a while to answer, but at least he answered. “Intelligence, if I have to name something, but you know it is about the connection for me.” At least now there is something I can anchor my thoughts into.

March 5, 2016

feeling inadequate

label: still here — CV @ 5:17 PM

“Did I wake you?”
“I am so sorry!”

I lied. It is easier to lie than face any questions. It was 11:30AM and he did not wake me. I had been on-off sleep since 8AM. I was still in bed, because I didn’t want to face this day. I did not want to get up and start it. There are too many of those mornings, when I do not want to get out of the bed. Why? What is the point?

Everything will pass. I am old enough to know that. For a while I already thought that I am out of the woods, that the worst is behind me. I was wrong. It maybe is easier by now, but there are setbacks and today was one of those days that is armed with blows.

I spent 1,5 hours in the same room with his new girlfriend today. Right now I feel like a looser. I am not good for anything, I am … not enough. I do not possess skills and traits required to be a good woman. Not beautiful, do not use makeup, nightmare in kitchen, demanding etc. It doesn’t matter why I turned up like that. There is no point of analysing my past to understand, why I am who I am. I am just not a housewife material and it makes me unbearable, impossible and undesirable. I saw it so clearly today.

I think I have so totally lost myself, that I am afraid that I do not find the way back to myself. Everything is wrong and it has been wrong for such a long time, that I can’t find my foothold any more.

But everything passes. So shall this phase pass one day.

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