March 5, 2016

feeling inadequate

label: still here — CV @ 5:17 PM

“Did I wake you?”
“I am so sorry!”

I lied. It is easier to lie than face any questions. It was 11:30AM and he did not wake me. I had been on-off sleep since 8AM. I was still in bed, because I didn’t want to face this day. I did not want to get up and start it. There are too many of those mornings, when I do not want to get out of the bed. Why? What is the point?

Everything will pass. I am old enough to know that. For a while I already thought that I am out of the woods, that the worst is behind me. I was wrong. It maybe is easier by now, but there are setbacks and today was one of those days that is armed with blows.

I spent 1,5 hours in the same room with his new girlfriend today. Right now I feel like a looser. I am not good for anything, I am … not enough. I do not possess skills and traits required to be a good woman. Not beautiful, do not use makeup, nightmare in kitchen, demanding etc. It doesn’t matter why I turned up like that. There is no point of analysing my past to understand, why I am who I am. I am just not a housewife material and it makes me unbearable, impossible and undesirable. I saw it so clearly today.

I think I have so totally lost myself, that I am afraid that I do not find the way back to myself. Everything is wrong and it has been wrong for such a long time, that I can’t find my foothold any more.

But everything passes. So shall this phase pass one day.

2 impressions

  1. Ja ongi nii, et kõik läheb mööda. Ükskõik, kui rasked võivad hetked meie elus olla. Ma tean, et inimesed on erinevad, aga ise tunnen, et mida vanemaks saan, mida rohkem elu “üllatab”, seda rahulikumaks olen muutunud. Seda vähem võtan südamesse asju, mis tegelikult ei oma mingit tähtsust… Homme on ilusam päev, mõnikord juba õhtul…

    Impressed by killuke — March 8, 2016 @ 7:14 PM

  2. Aitähh killuke kaasaelamast!

    Impressed by CV — March 15, 2016 @ 10:29 AM

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