March 6, 2016

stil inadequate

label: still here — CV @ 3:33 PM

I have been racking my brain since yesterday trying to come up with any character traits, that would justify a reason to have a relationship with me. I can’t. I do not see anything in me that would make me lovable. Yeah, I know, depression lies and it can totally be that this is the case, but … There is that nagging “but” since I was a teenager. Something broken so long ago. I took the idea of not being good enough and turned it into a self-destructive force like teenagers do. Until I met him so-so many years later in my life. Until then I had always burned the candle from the both ends, somehow always balancing on the edge of the abyss and sanity. I met him and I stopped. I was ready to stop the destruction and working for it already, so it wasn’t only him, but it was also a lot of his influence too. I do not want to become self-destructive again and I probably won’t, because of Ayra, but finding the self-esteem is not easy, when I can’t figure out anything worth while in me.

Damn, my blog has become really depressing. I should rather restore the lost parts from 2012-2015 instead of writing new ones. I do have good moments too. In-between the tears and crashes sometimes the world stops and lets me breath. Playing with Ayra, noticing nature, sunrises and sunsets. There are also good sides of the break-up. I get along with Ayra so much better. I do not yell any more so much, because I am less of a nerve wreck, I have more patience and above all, I have the freedom to be myself with her. I even have time to exercise. I talk to people again, timidly, but still.

PS. Called Arutu with the question. It took him a while to answer, but at least he answered. “Intelligence, if I have to name something, but you know it is about the connection for me.” At least now there is something I can anchor my thoughts into.

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