March 16, 2016


label: still here — CV @ 8:50 PM

Today has been much better day. Way better!*

I woke up to blue skies and sun peeking into my kitchen window. The plan was physiotherapy at 9AM, then to school and then to be productive during the evening. Considering last evening and night, I woke up with a good feeling, surprisingly.

This was already a 3rd time with physiotherapy. I have had major problems with my back on and off for the last 7-9 years. Last year it went from bad to worse. I found myself unable to even get to the toilet on my own at times. After the last pain attack in the end of last October, I got the doctors recommendation note for physiotherapy. Breaking up, moving out, Christmas, depression etc.; all took their own time, and I found myself finally at physiotherapist in the beginning of this month.

She is adorable! Ray of sunlight. She is so beautiful (IMHO), that I keep staring at her. Sorry about that, she is also really good at her job. All physiotherapists should be like her. Caring, good listener and very good at giving personal guidance. Only 3 weeks and I already have had much help from her. I am off painkillers, not pain free, but off painkillers (read: sound minded, able to function). I really enjoy our sessions and I am so sorry that my financial state is so poor, that I can’t do all 10 times as I am supposed to; but she even understands that and tries to work around it, by giving me more individual tasks and seeing me next in 3 weeks. Laughing this morning with her, being around her radiant happiness, gave such a positive start to my day. A person who seems to enjoy, what she does, and does it well. I see her as a role model. I want to be that happy, radiant and professional one day!

And the bill was like 100€ less than I thought it will be for those first 3 visits. What a relief!

*While writing this post, I had a total crash. Like “crying and screaming on the floor” kind of crash. It takes one wrong sentence or word or expression or … and it all comes crashing down. Me and my big mouth. Me and my refusal to play those “I am so strong and nothing can touch me” games. I got what I deserved – the knowledge how bad person I am, how children are afraid of me and so on. The fairytale story-book bad witch step-mom, but not even beautiful, because I am fat and ugly.

Alcohol takes the edge off.

As TT said, this is what friends are for. To call them in the middle of desperation, crying, and ask for help. They do help. I’ve done at least this right in my life – I have those people to call. I haven’t run out of them yet. Thank you! Thank you from the bottom of my heart for being there for me now! I truly hope that I can be as good friend for any of you. Sometimes, when I lie awake in bed and try to find anything to be grateful for in that day (so I can latch my thoughts into something positive), I have that to fall back to – friends. I can always be grateful for having best friends in the world. Even thou they are far, even thou I have almost totally disappeared last 5-6 years, I still have them.

PS. Something for those who read Estonian. Friends.

No impressions (interesting why?)

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