April 1, 2016

another realization

label: still here — CV @ 11:19 PM

I am not jealous type. Never been. Jealousy is something that confuses me and scares me.

For the last few months, I have been trying to figure out is it jealousy, what I am feeling? Or why His new girlfriend bothers me so much? One side of it is the unfairness of it all, but that wasn’t the final answer, because it kept bugging me. Until it hit me today. I am offended (even outraged)! If he would have put the same effort to our relationship, Ayra would still live with her mother and father. If he would have put the same effort and resolve to our relationship, we could have fulfilled our potential. There is also the implication of not being worthy that offends, but the core of it is the regret of missed opportunity to live up to our potential. Never getting the real chance.

Insult to injury – on top of a broken heart I have to witness how everything he told me to be impossible, suddenly becomes possible with someone else. And I know it isn’t because I wasn’t worthy (or maybe this is the case, but I want to believe otherwise), but because I layered the groundwork for it and now someone else has it easier. Life is unfair, let it go!

No impressions (interesting why?)

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