April 12, 2016

just another

label: still here — CV @ 4:46 PM

Only thing that seems to help is writing just as it comes pouring out of me. So, this blog is my therapy.

I don’t know any more why I am hurting or what hurts me. I am so lost in my thoughts. Everything still comes back to me and my own choises and actions. I was too tolerant, understanding, considerate, patient – it made it possible to treat me like this. I can’t forgive myself. This is probably what I am srtuggling with. I should have made my stand long ago.

How many times do I have to get over the same person? How do I forget myself not sticking with my previous decisions? Pointless and empty.

I may also ask, do I actually love him? Or is it just some kind of (I don’t know) need to not to let go of my own decisions, because I worked so hard to maintain this relationship? Yet, every time I see him, he still takes my breath away and my knees go weak and I long for him. Yeah, I don’t know what love is.

I still think U loved him too much. That much love is never a good thing. He was the one and only and I was ready to go trough hell & fire to the end of the world for him. He changed me. Not like changing my core, but he changed how I was in a relationship. Like a teenager – fateful and adoring.

I seem to lose myself in his vicinity. I lose my usual confidence and my usual energy. It’s like everything I do, when he is near me, I’m looking for his approval. Keep looking up to him, wishing that he would notice me. I don’t know why he has such a power over me, or I do know – I love him beyond reason. No one should ever love anyone like that. That is not healthy.

Sometimes it makes me really sad, that there are so many things that I don’t want to remember. this means that I don’t even have the solace of the memories! I have the things that I avoid thinking about and the feeling of love. There would be a lot of good memories (seven years do not go by without good memories), but often those good memories are related to things I do not want to remember.

The thought of not having him any more, makes me terrified. The thought of ever being involved with someone else, makes me also terrified. Everywhere I turn feels like a dead end.

Those last eight years have totally eff-ed up my understanding on how to live. I didn’t master the art of living before that either, but now I have no clue anymore, what is normal or how to live. I am so afraid that I will never recover from this. Then I will always be scared of relationships and other people. That I won’t trust or be intimate with anyone.

Karma does not exist. It is a fairytale to make belivers feel better. There is no fairness in anything. Just pure luck.

I need to distance myself from all of it, but I can’t. I am trapped. I hear all of in Ayra’s talk, I see it day after day in all kind of things. There is no place to hide. No possibility for radical change (or I would damage Ayra). Trapped by my own choices and decisions. No hope, no light. No wonder I barely holding on.

No impressions (interesting why?)


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