August 25, 2016

why not to flee

label: still here — CV @ 10:35 PM

I am constantly hurting. I hear His voice every day, when Ayra has her daily talks with Him. I usually try to leave the room (if it is possible), but I am constantly reminded of His existence and life. Now I also have to endure His new girlfriend’s voice and presents every effing now and then during the video calls Ayra makes. No, I am not big enough person to rise above it, it gets to me in a really bad way.

In the light of all this, I have to defend my decision to stay in His hometown to everyone, who cares about me. Especially here, in Estonia. Today I spent another hour arguing about why I do not distance myself from Him as it is so clearly destroying me. Why I do not take Ayra and flee – if not to another country then to the other side of Finland?

This decision has not been easy. I rethink and question myself every single day. If I would only think of myself – I would pack everything and go. It is an everyday struggle and I still have no idea, what will I do when I finally graduate and thus have more “freedom” to choose the geographical spot I exist in. I have few months left and some ideas. I have to constantly remind myself that Ayra has a right to have a father, that she has a right to her sister and brother, that she has a right to her own relationships. I can’t put my needs and wants above hers. No one seems to understand that argument and I don’t understand why. Am I really so wrong? I know that she also has a right to a happy and content mother, but a new geographical place will not magically heal me just like that. It would help, but it is not a magic pill. Healing has to come from inside and I know I am moving towards it every single day as time heals, no matter where I am, I am working on it.

Hearing my dark desire to flee, put into words, is tempting. So many times it has been presented to me like the only option available. Decision to stick around to give Ayra her options, has been labeled crazy. It is really hard to go against friends’ advice once again. Last time I did that – I stuck with the relationship with Him ignoring everybody and look where that took me. Damn, life is so much easier when you only make decision for yourself! Having responsibility for another human being is intimidating. I (once again!) envy His carelessness to do stuff and not think of the repercussions. It would be so much easier just to do things because I want to and that is it, but I am not built like that. I have that inner need to understand my actions and also to see the consequences.

I think it means that I try to stick with it as long as it makes sense to me. I wish I didn’t have to explain or defend this decision again and again and again. The truth is that I couldn’t face Ayra in 10 years time and explain to her any other decision as long as she only manifests her pleasure to interact with her father and siblings.

2 impressions

  1. Ayra has a right to be happy, but so do you.

    Impressed by Maria — August 26, 2016 @ 1:12 AM

  2. I will be. One day.

    Impressed by CV — August 26, 2016 @ 10:27 AM

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