October 31, 2016

I am grateful

label: still here — CV @ 11:59 PM

… for evening walks in this landscape.                            2016-10-31-15-56-55-copy

thermo mug

label: still here — CV @ 12:07 PM

I put my coffee mug on the hood of my car to unplug the car and it took a dive to the concrete floor. That’s it. The life of my favourite thermo mug came to an end. Instead of feeling upset or sad or any other negative feelings, that I usually would, I felt relieved. My favourite mug broke and I felt relief.

The next thought was – how appropriate! Today, from all the days, the mug He gave me, broke. I moved out from His place exactly a year ago. I still don’t have closure, I still haven’t got all my things from His place, my heart is still broken and a range of all kind of other things, but judging on the feeling of relief I felt this morning – my stance has changed, my mindset has shifted. Something is different. It felt like a symbolic sign, that today I will throw this thermo mug to trash.

It was a perfect thermo mug, by the way. Orange and light and it fit into my hand and into my car.

October 30, 2016

I am grateful

label: still here — CV @ 11:12 PM

… for a day spent with Ayra: playing, laughing, eating, cuddling; no fuss, no stress, no fights.

October 29, 2016

I am grateful

label: still here — CV @ 7:46 PM

… for playdates.

October 28, 2016

I am grateful

label: still here — CV @ 9:17 PM

… for having a blog.

anger

label: still here — CV @ 12:39 PM

I find it really hard to forgive Him, that He made everything so difficult for me. I can see now that He knows how to make things somewhat better and how much easier it can be with His help to merge into His life. He does things differently with His new girlfriend. For almost a year already I have been forced to stand witness to how He is able to act and behave the way I thought would be right, but He didn’t with me. It is for some young girl in the beginning of her twenties.

It hurts.

It is a bitter pill to swallow. Especially because He also places the blame with me, that I failed. With everything He does now “right” I feel like I have been sent a message how I am a total crap, a looser, a failure, a bad mother, a bad person … He has managed to totally destroy my self-image. I was not worth the effort, I am not enough, I don’t belong, I am not acceptable; but the fact is – I never even had a chance.

So every time I notice another “right thing” or something I planned up or anything He does, that I used to ask and beg of Him, I get really angry. Hurt and angry, and then I try to deal with it. Reminding myself that anger is not the answer. It will only destroy me, not Him. Sometimes I get in over my head and then I am angry at Him, at life, at everything and everyone. And after that I crash. Deep dark hole depression crashes, when I even think of leaving Ayra, because I can’t believe, that I am suitable for motherhood. Then I tell myself that depression lies and at some point I manage to crawl out of that dark hole only to have the new cycle again. I try to avoid the triggers, but I don’t always succeed.

Will I ever get my self-confidence back? The biggest mistake of my life was to move under the same roof with Him and give up all my safety.

I wish there was Karma, but there isn’t.

October 27, 2016

I am grateful

label: still here — CV @ 11:40 PM

… for rain.

October 26, 2016

I am grateful

label: still here — CV @ 11:45 PM

… for new friendships.

October 25, 2016

I am grateful

label: still here — CV @ 11:39 PM

… for Gin & Tonic.

October 24, 2016

I am grateful

label: still here — CV @ 1:50 PM

… for weekend in Oulu.

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