October 28, 2016

anger

label: still here — CV @ 12:39 PM

I find it really hard to forgive Him, that He made everything so difficult for me. I can see now that He knows how to make things somewhat better and how much easier it can be with His help to merge into His life. He does things differently with His new girlfriend. For almost a year already I have been forced to stand witness to how He is able to act and behave the way I thought would be right, but He didn’t with me. It is for some young girl in the beginning of her twenties.

It hurts.

It is a bitter pill to swallow. Especially because He also places the blame with me, that I failed. With everything He does now “right” I feel like I have been sent a message how I am a total crap, a looser, a failure, a bad mother, a bad person … He has managed to totally destroy my self-image. I was not worth the effort, I am not enough, I don’t belong, I am not acceptable; but the fact is – I never even had a chance.

So every time I notice another “right thing” or something I planned up or anything He does, that I used to ask and beg of Him, I get really angry. Hurt and angry, and then I try to deal with it. Reminding myself that anger is not the answer. It will only destroy me, not Him. Sometimes I get in over my head and then I am angry at Him, at life, at everything and everyone. And after that I crash. Deep dark hole depression crashes, when I even think of leaving Ayra, because I can’t believe, that I am suitable for motherhood. Then I tell myself that depression lies and at some point I manage to crawl out of that dark hole only to have the new cycle again. I try to avoid the triggers, but I don’t always succeed.

Will I ever get my self-confidence back? The biggest mistake of my life was to move under the same roof with Him and give up all my safety.

I wish there was Karma, but there isn’t.

No impressions (interesting why?)


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