December 30, 2016

still pining away

label: still here — CV @ 7:41 PM

Shapeshifter’s birthday party was yesterday and I spent 2 hours in His company.

And today I am in another deep dark hole. I couldn’t get up in the morning (partly because of the sleepless night, partly because of depression) and actually I didn’t. This has not happened for a long time, that I can’t even get out of the bed. I thought I was over Him! I really thought that I am finally in a safe zone, that I can handle seeing Him, dealing with Him. I hate being wrong. Being wrong sucks as it makes you make mistakes and lower your guard. So I spent another day this year today feeling as all light has gone out and nothing matters. Whole year of the same. It ends as it started. Pining away.

There has been some progress. There has been a lot of progress, I know. I usually even feel it, but not today. Today was the last day this year I feel down because of Him. I am not gonna give Him tomorrow.

Few lines from this song, keeps playing in my head.

Hope that you fall in love
And it hurts so bad
The only way you can know
You give it all you have
And I hope that you don’t suffer
But take the pain…

There are moments when I wish I didn’t give all I have. Sometimes I think that He was never worth me or my love, and then I think the opposite again. That’s my burden – I don’t know how to love without giving it my all. This is not the first time I crash like that. It should give me hope, because I have survived the other 2, but the truth is, that the past makes me even more scared. I know how much time/how many years it takes me to get over someone I loved, really loved with everything I had. Also the past was easier, it wasn’t that messy. He is. I am afraid that I will stay alone, because I will be too scared to give my all again. At the same time, I can’t believe that love exist without giving it all. So …

December 27, 2016

shapeshifter is 5

label: still here — CV @ 1:53 AM

I have outdone myself. Me and kitchen – we do not belong together, but today I made a cake for my sweet girl. My first cake ever. Edibility will be seen tomorrow when the jury is up.

5 … Time flies and yet it is standing still. There is so much in every day and moment, and at the same time those moments are a flurry.

There is one thing I have learned in those 5 years – love grows, it actually does.

Happy birthday my shapeshifter! I love you to the end of the universe (so not a single tip of you hair would go unloved as we say).

December 17, 2016

Human – The Sources

label: still here — CV @ 10:15 PM

Estonian television is showing the French documentary “Human – The Sources”, what I talked about over a month ago. Subtitles!

December 7, 2016

just another

label: still here — CV @ 10:45 PM

Crash. Just another crash. Last month was already quite good! Why again? Will I ever get out of this swamp of emotions? I’m not able to be a good mom tonight. I can’t deal. I am barely existing tonight. I am so sorry my dear child that I am such a mess.

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