December 30, 2016

still pining away

label: still here — CV @ 7:41 PM

Shapeshifter’s birthday party was yesterday and I spent 2 hours in His company.

And today I am in another deep dark hole. I couldn’t get up in the morning (partly because of the sleepless night, partly because of depression) and actually I didn’t. This has not happened for a long time, that I can’t even get out of the bed. I thought I was over Him! I really thought that I am finally in a safe zone, that I can handle seeing Him, dealing with Him. I hate being wrong. Being wrong sucks as it makes you make mistakes and lower your guard. So I spent another day this year today feeling as all light has gone out and nothing matters. Whole year of the same. It ends as it started. Pining away.

There has been some progress. There has been a lot of progress, I know. I usually even feel it, but not today. Today was the last day this year I feel down because of Him. I am not gonna give Him tomorrow.

Few lines from this song, keeps playing in my head.

Hope that you fall in love
And it hurts so bad
The only way you can know
You give it all you have
And I hope that you don’t suffer
But take the pain…

There are moments when I wish I didn’t give all I have. Sometimes I think that He was never worth me or my love, and then I think the opposite again. That’s my burden – I don’t know how to love without giving it my all. This is not the first time I crash like that. It should give me hope, because I have survived the other 2, but the truth is, that the past makes me even more scared. I know how much time/how many years it takes me to get over someone I loved, really loved with everything I had. Also the past was easier, it wasn’t that messy. He is. I am afraid that I will stay alone, because I will be too scared to give my all again. At the same time, I can’t believe that love exist without giving it all. So …

No impressions (interesting why?)

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