March 31, 2017

another moment

label: still here — CV @ 2:25 PM

There are moments when you would do anything to end the pain. Anything … but nothing seems to help. Today I screamed from the top of my lungs for 15 minutes straight alone in the car. At least something, because at home there are neighbours.

March 30, 2017

just another

label: still here — CV @ 10:06 PM

Eff double morals! Eff it that I am always outside the rules applied (to others). Feels like someone got their revenge on me. FML. I don’t exist. Limbo ghost stuck in between that no one cares about. Except Shapeshifter. She is as real as can be. Reason to live, to try to survive one more day, and then another.

Another day in fog. I look around and wonder wtf is happening or is it really happening in my life. … but yes, it is my life, my reality, my choices. What is OK for others, is frown upon when I do it. I don’t understand those rules of interaction any more. It is all in my head. My problem. My overreacting. Too sensitive, too emotional, too emphatic. My problem.

I don’t want to believe that I am much harder to be with than anyone else. I just don’t seem to be worth the effort. For some reason I give out this impression of being strong or that it is OK to hurt me, as I can take it. Even thou it is as far from the truth as can be. Why is it OK to treat me like that? I feel like I have paid for all the bad things I have done and more. How bad must my karma be?

The world around me seems to be filled with balanced grown ups. Why can’t I be one?

March 28, 2017

insomniac

label: still here — CV @ 8:59 PM

Since mid January I have not slept more than 6 hours at any night (or day). I’ve been so tired! I’ve tried everything – physical activities, meditating, sleeping pills, alcohol etc. I just couldn’t fall asleep and when I did, I never slept more than 6 hours (mostly even less). I don’t know, unresolved issues I guess. I got information, that I didn’t want, and it triggered my insomnia. Life has been a constant fog for 2 months (and a bit more).

This morning I woke up rested. I finally slept 8 hours last night! Thank you universe for letting me sleep.

March 12, 2017

skydiving season is on

label: still here — CV @ 11:25 PM

I have never before opened my skydiving season so early in the year. March 11th.

I woke up in the morning: the sun was so bright, the sky was so blue and when I asked Shapeshifter “Should we go to the DZ?” the answer was a happy yell of “Yeeee!”; so it was decided – skydiving it is. Pori had discounted jumps and it is only 20min away form where I live. 2 hop & pops from 1000m. It doesn’t matter (at least for me) how many years I have jumped, the opening jumps of the season always bring on the adrenaline rush and the fear.

… and then you are in the air. Thoughts end and the existence kicks in. It all goes as you have practiced so many times – altimeter, arch-reach-pull, the canopy opens, altimeter, location … Freedom! Nothing else exists – you are present.

Then I landed and was greeted by my exited Shapeshifter, who seemed to be enjoying my jumping as much as I did.

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