May 19, 2017

another moment

label: still here — CV @ 9:27 PM

Unbelievably beautiful evening on the sea. Leaving Tallinn at sunset. The whole city is wrapped in a light blue hue of a warm spring evening. The sky is blue and pink and orange and violet and … pastels all over. It would be perfect to sit on someones arms and watch the sunset. It is totally OK to be here alone too. Being alone doesn’t make those moments less beautiful, I just have the desire to share all the beautiful moments I encounter in my life.

PS. My favourite cherry tree in Tallinn is in full blossom. Spring is finally here.

May 16, 2017

yellow butterfly

label: still here — CV @ 12:37 PM

I am feeling so restless. Spring? Stress? Anxiousness? Worry? I have no idea. I just feel so restless all the time.

I keep reminding myself, that everything is good for something, and all the events later line up in a logical order, like everything was supposed to happen exactly that way to bring you to certain point in time and place. I have to believe it, otherwise I would drown (I think). There are less and less anchoring points in my life. Nothing to hold on to. No dreams, no plans and the obligations keep disappearing also.

Loose. I am loose.

Plan C or D or I don’t know which survival back-up plan is already in motion. I am standing still while my days are a blur of activity. Last month has kicked me into action in some ways. I’ve done a lot of stuff that has been on my to-do list for way too long. Deadlines and necessity is a great motivator if there is no other motivation left. It would be so cool to say that I work best under pressure, but the truth is that I only seem to work under pressure.

I saw the first butterfly of this spring. Yellow. Does it count if you see your first butterfly through a car window? Even if you see it twice? Will it be a golden summer or do I have to wait for some other butterfly to fly by? Why do I even believe in butterflies and summer correlations? But I do. I choose to. I want to believe that the first butterfly you see every spring will foretell the nature of your summer – blank, golden, vivid. The same way I choose life, for now. Life is a choice.

Restless.

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