May 16, 2017

yellow butterfly

label: still here — CV @ 12:37 PM

I am feeling so restless. Spring? Stress? Anxiousness? Worry? I have no idea. I just feel so restless all the time.

I keep reminding myself, that everything is good for something, and all the events later line up in a logical order, like everything was supposed to happen exactly that way to bring you to certain point in time and place. I have to believe it, otherwise I would drown (I think). There are less and less anchoring points in my life. Nothing to hold on to. No dreams, no plans and the obligations keep disappearing also.

Loose. I am loose.

Plan C or D or I don’t know which survival back-up plan is already in motion. I am standing still while my days are a blur of activity. Last month has kicked me into action in some ways. I’ve done a lot of stuff that has been on my to-do list for way too long. Deadlines and necessity is a great motivator if there is no other motivation left. It would be so cool to say that I work best under pressure, but the truth is that I only seem to work under pressure.

I saw the first butterfly of this spring. Yellow. Does it count if you see your first butterfly through a car window? Even if you see it twice? Will it be a golden summer or do I have to wait for some other butterfly to fly by? Why do I even believe in butterflies and summer correlations? But I do. I choose to. I want to believe that the first butterfly you see every spring will foretell the nature of your summer – blank, golden, vivid. The same way I choose life, for now. Life is a choice.


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