Vaike Õiglane

Yes, it does get on my nerves. A lot. This kind of situations.

I send an e-mail with all details. No, I don’t expect people to gather the information from many e-mails. I send a single resume e-mail with all the important information. Easy to follow, easy to read, easy to store. I clean out the noise. I make an effort so everybody would have it just a bit easier.

SMS on my phone:”I can’t find the e-mail, can you send/tell me …”. I am dumbfounded for a second.

And then you wonder why I am angry, nervous, annoyed, volatile … F**k you too! Especially if you tell me to calm down. Maybe you should first respect my time and effort and then I wouldn’t even need to calm down at all.

This morning came with a fairy tale. I have the privilege of living in Helsinki (meaning open spaces and fields along the road on my way to work). I can see the mist. Cold mist. Blue skies, white world and the mist that makes it unreal.

Stunning splendor of the winter.

There has been silence for some time because I just feel so empty. I don’t have energy. Batteries are empty and I am dispirited. Dejection.

Three sides of life. At least one of them always has to be a mess. Why? As soon as I get my private life into high my work or financial side goes low or any other combination with at least one aspect of my life down. Why can’t they all be in order just for a change?

Length of Day
8h 02m
Tomorrow will be 5m 8s longer.

It is snowing outside! In the light of the day everything seems a bit better. It really does. When I get everything under control again - it is actually with its own benefits. I like my coworkers most of the time. I like my freedom most of the time.

I need to get a grip on myself.

There are those dark days, when absolutely everything goes wrong. Not in a funny way, but depressing, nerve wrecking way. All you want to do is close your eyes and not belong to this world any more. Not to be, not to think, not to feel. You just can’t take it any more. You had enough. You are so tired of it all. One day can sometimes be too much to bare.

Closing your eyes doesn’t help. World doesn’t disappear. When you open your eyes, you are still here in the middle of what you tried to escape. I am twisted into knot upon knot. Stress. I used to go on for years without knowing the meaning of the word. Last year has been “introducing”.

I just got home from office. Yes, it is 2 AM. I have a big glass on cognac in front of me and I plan to drink it. Is it worth it? I find myself asking it more often. Career change is inevitable. At least I finally, after years of searching, have an idea which way to go, what to try and what I would want to do. Surviving on first career I stumbled on at the moment of need, is hopefully coming to an end. Soon, but not soon enough.

How to deal with the days like that? How to find a silver lining that just isn’t there. I feel always so powerless at those moments. I wish it would be possible to hide away from the world and come back when you are ready for it. I am definitely not ready right now. Yeah, I do wish that instead of cognac there would be welcoming arms to greet me, but today is not that day. Tomorrow. Then …

Underlining currents. As much as I want to ignore them or make a face that I don’t notice or don’t care - they are there to move me, to drive me. I hate it. Why can’t I rise above them? I want to. God knows how much I want to!

To write this post took 20 minutes of annoyance to get the internet back by restarting every connection point on the line. Too many sites have been down today. Way too many.

And yes, I feel like I could kill for a cigarette right now. SSDD.

I am tired. For real. I don’t think I can take it much longer any more. It is not worth it. This job is killing me. Really. I think I am finally fed up with all of it.

Looking at photos lately I find it hard to believe they are from my life. Can it really be my life? Something else than skydiving events?

He makes me happy.

I have no energy left whatsoever. Some illness is using it all up. Blaah! It probably didn’t help that I had social obligations this weekend (mother’s jubilee). At least I wasn’t alone.

Tallinn was wonderful, different, happy. Trip to Estonia was happy this time! What a difference a companion can make.

Now I am like a hibernating bear - sucking a spoon with honey flavored with the oil of sea buckthorn and not getting out of bed.

Team travel is expensive. I maxed my credit card out to the limit first time in my life today. I also realized once again how much I hate the system of car rental and airplane tickets.

I don’t have secrets any more. Or they have lost they secretive meaning.

Ou, don’t worry, I am not changing my blogging style. It will still stay as incomprehensible as it has been till now.