Vaike Õiglane

I have a washing machine! First in my life. Right now it spins its first cycle. I really hope my jeans will get clean. That washing machine comes actually with a dryer - so I will have a bit more figuring out to do a little bit later. Above all I have to figure out a way to iron my jeans, because I want to wear them tomorrow. I did get myself an iron, but I don’t have an ironing table. Have to probably do that on kitchen table.

Living IS fun! If real life had same rules as skydivers do - I would be in bankruptcy already as I would have too many bears to buy and drink. Everything is new for me. I’m the first-timer in living :) I discover stuff like washing machines, microwave ovens, fridges etc. Sometimes I feel like a kid playing home in sandbox, waiting for my mom’s call for dinner. I know it will turn into ordinary life pretty soon and loose its shine, but right now I’m enjoying it, because it is now!

That was a blond moment. Superbly classical! I’m watching the led on washing machine blinking H2O for like 15 minutes before realizing that H-2-O not H-20 is on the screen. Blond!

Sunset. Sheryl Crow’s perfect melancholy tunes are playing (are there any better and more feminine songs than “Strong Enough”, “I Shall Believe”, “No One Said It Would Be Easy”?). Through the white snow sky still has a pink glow. World is a beautiful place if you look at it. I know that pinkish shade comes from city lights, but I want to believe they are the last rays of sun even if it is impossible because of the low clouds. In this semidarkness my table lamp is the only spot of light. Warm and comfortable. I like my office. Snowflakes are having their final dance outside. Falling to become the white cover of the land.

The sky was pink this morning as well. Days are getting longer. I was surprised by sunrise this morning. I had had only 4 hours of sleep. Woke up to a call on my mobilephone and as soon as I opened my eyes, I was troubled because of the amount of light in the room. I had to check my watch at least trice before I did believe it is still only 7:30 and not midday yet. Sky was beautiful. Pinkish, bluish, white … all the cold shades of colours in their clarity. Why only cold colours can be so clear?

The roads were icy. Snow had melted away and it was dark to drive. Moon was also nowhere to be seen. But there were stars! As bright as they get during cold clear nights like last night to accompany me on my way. Looking out of the window now, I wish I had to drive to Turku and back today, not yesterday. Right now the snow is falling. Soft and white and peaceful. Tonight will be perfect for a walk. Stars didn’t comfort me yesterday. They seemed icy, as roads. Treacherous. Beauty can be mysteriously dangerous sometimes when your mindset is on that side of balance point.

Entering that room yesterday was frightening. I felt my hands and legs trembling. All 17 pairs of eyes fixed on me, waiting for answers, expecting so much from me. For a moment I felt how small I actually am. I missed Ergo. I really did. My puffer, my protection, one person to always take over when I need it. He seems to know instinctively where the line is drawn. I was alone yesterday and had to handle it by myself. Mind gave the orders:”Lower your shoulders! Breath! Just start talking!” and I was able to control my fears again. After that meeting I was burned out. No emotional, no physical strength left. Asking myself: why do I do things I am afraid of, why do I always push myself, why I don’t take the easier path … Being responsible for answers, knowledge etc adds its own pressure.

I’m still afraid of masses. I’m still a loner. Being social takes effort. Sociality is a skill I had to force myself to learn. Still not good at it. I’m tired as hell every single time I have to be among too many people. I love my loneliness, being on my own, to be silent or to be one on one is okay too … sometimes. I feel protected if I can be alone and anything else is outside my comfort zone.

Getting up this morning was not easy. Not easy at all. My head wanted to explode! Old saying is still true - don’t drink if you can’t handle it. Bottle of cheap (I was too upset to deal with wine-choosing) wine alone gives you a massive headache. I totally deserve this punishment for my own stupidity.

Daki wrote once about the stages of breakup. I have that final stage where I still have some stupid triggers to annoy me. Out of the blue and I slip. No firm surface what so ever. Next day I can only wonder - what the hell happened? What made me cry like that? How did I let all those negative thoughts back into my mind?

This morning world seems normal again. Everything is back on it’s place and I have no feeling of selfpity the way I did yesterday. Maybe I need to fall from time to time so I can get back up to realize how happy and fortunate I am right now.

Drinking a bottle of wine by yourself, getting drunk, having a cry, having a laugh, listening some music for your soul, getting angry, sending an SMS blaming someone, arranging things … Yes, this can be a solution. At least tonight it was. Tomorrow I will wake up and be sober and then I have to face myself again, but right now it doesn’t matter.

I don’t want to forget all of this. It is a part of healing process I’m going through. This is how it is. Not nice at all, mostly ugly. All those bad thoughts I’m able to think - it is unbelievable sometimes. I know the hardest moment is yet to come. In 3 weeks it will happen. I do hope that I will not be alone then, at least Philip is coming here exactly in 3 weeks. Yeah, I know, I’m weak and I need some support to hold me up. So what? I’m totally capable of acknowledging my weakness. Real life happens. I want to look back on all of it one day with full knowledge and understanding that I am able to feel exactly the way I do feel right now - messed up, angry, hurt. Then I know I really got it out of my system to move on. Right now I still can’t. Move on I mean.

PS. And yes, this is my RED kitchen :D

It looks like it is time for another rerun of Gilmore Girls. From beginning. For a moment there it looked like a panic attack today …

I don’t think about it, I live with it.

If last year was the year of marriages, then this year seems to become a year of children. Last year everybody around me seemed to get married. I can’t remember any other year with so many marriages happening around me. Now it is time for consequences - everybody are having children. Anyway - my best wishes too all new members in parenthood circle.

Yeah. I’m learning to live. 31 and learning stuff that everybody else know for years already. Does ketchup belong to fridge or not? Where do you keep this and that? Endless row of questions. I don’t know what I would do without internet or my mother. My friends are probably tired of me asking my stupid questions.

So as much as I know now: ketchup belongs to fridge after opening, but Nutella will never go to the fridge and coolest area in the fridge is near rear wall and in the middle.

The learning continues.

Every time I see one name in my e-mail box, I can feel my muscles tightening up. It feels like waiting for a hit. Same time I can check my mailbox in every 2 minutes just because there is a chance of reply from him. Usually reply never comes. Why can’t I just rise above him?