Vaike Õiglane

I don’t know what will happen next. Atm I’m so numb that I don’t even care.

I woke up at 6 AM this morning with a plan to go skydiving and then I suddenly realized that I’m too tired to even enjoy skydiving. Now I have been lazy the whole day. Slept as long as I wanted, had a morning coffee, watched Grey’s Anatomy and unpacked some stuff from last week.

I feel happy. This place that I call home makes me happy. I calm down, I see some perspective - it makes me sad and frustrated to think that after 4 weeks I will be homeless again for 10 weeks, but it will only be a temporally thing. Not as permanent as last 5 years have been. I’m starting to reconcile with it. I’m starting to gain my balance. It has been a rocky month and I can totally see some setbacks there are yet to come, but the path back to serenity has been found.

Bailey: He jumped out of that plane. No one forced him to do it. Fell 12,000 feet. People chasing death down, then trying to cheat it. Doesn’t make any kinda sense to me.
Meredith: There’s a clarity thing when you cross over the edge. There’s a moment when everything just melts away and you’re fearless. I get it. I understand wanting to feel like that.

Grey’s Anatomy

There are days when I want a house and a garden and a rocking chair and a man and everything else that goes with it. Today I want it all.

It will pass.

And we hope. Against all logic. Against all experience. Like children - we never give up hope.

Grey’s Anatomy

I don’t own skydiving gear* any more. Sold last piece of it today.

*Main and reserve canopy, harness and AAD.

Checklist for last 72 hours:

* Talk tuuker into going along with a crazy plan.
* Drive through Poland and get stuck in a traffic jam for 2,5 hours at 4 AM.
* Revisit “Longest day in Spa” event and have the same plan for the sunrise load as year ago.
* See Philip’s face at the moment he sees tuuker and then you.
* Skydive.
* Skydive from 5000 meeters.
* Have fun.
* Kiss and smile.
* Do a crazy speedstar and even crazier 16-way.
* Stall Skyvan.
* Do a sunset load.
* Do a sunrise load.
* Have a beer.
* Feel alive and happy and on edge.
* Sing “Väike tüdruk” with tuuker at 6:30 AM, loud.
* Drink a lot of coffee.
* Find out that Volvos don’t drive any further without air conditioner.
* Leave a car into some garage in Germany and get a rental car to drive home.
EDITED (things that were forgotten at first):
* Talk yourself out of getting a ticket for speeding.
* Be amazed by the power of nature and fall in love with thunderstorms (again).

All done.

I shall drink to that and Midsummers eve tonight. We did it. To Spa and back in 72 hours and we had the sunset and the sunrise load and other 5 in between. Life is!

I miss “crazy”. I miss being crazy. That healthy, positive and fun crazy girl. Time has turned me into obligation driven psycho crazy chick. Damn.

I know that idea was too crazy to come to life, but I wanted it just for the sake of “crazy”.

Crazy plans have to be executed right away. Otherwise reason catches you up and puts you back to the proper place.

… it is not about the destination, it is about the journey …

How can it be, that I do more work when I’m distracted?
How can it be, that if I have it all I go on and destroy it?
How can it be, that …

I feel kind of low lately. Depressed and low. Going to Estonia tomorrow for 6 days. Even the idea of it startles me. I can feel the crappy and bad mood sneaking up to me. Seems like I mostly see glass half empty lately. I hate those periods when the nr.42 is slipping away from your hands, but there is nothing I can’t seem to do about it. I wake up in the morning and stare out of the window.

Where did that reason to smile and get up for go?

It is pouring outside. The sound on rain. Relaxing. Comforting.