Vaike Õiglane

I jumped a challenge! We completed it! It feels so awesome that I can’t stop smiling.

This years Airspeed Challenge in Empuriabrava was as good as anyone can hope a skydiving event to be. I loved it! Perfect weather for 4 days, good company and 25 jumps that never got boring. What else can a skydive addict like me hope for?

Getting there was a bit testing, but I made it. I was really close to miss the last bus out of Barcelona. I got there 1 minute before the departure. Unbelievable as it is, but they forgot one baggage container to the plane. Of course my bag had to be there! So I got my stuff 8 minutes before the bus left and I made a sprint through Barcelona airport to the bus stop. Ou, I was panicking while waiting for my gear and really relieved when finally sitting in the bus on my way to Figueres.

The Challenge itself was organized differently this year. I really liked it! Rotating organizers and groups put together more or less based on nationalities or language groups. Great idea! I ended up in the most international group with Belgians (how else!), Norwegians, Dutch, German and French. Lovely bunch with good skills. First 2 days was 20-ways, then 30-ways and 5 jumps of 60-way at the last day.

Saturday morning all our group landed out. All 20 of us. For some reasons (all those fears aatomik fed me last year!) I have been afraid of landing out at Empuriabrava. It just doesn’t seem safe. Now I am a bit more relaxed about it as it isn’t so unknown to me any more.

It still gives me goose bumps to think about the 60-way. It was so great! How it looked on the video. Whoa!!! I don’t have words to describe it.

Yes, we did party sunday night. A bit too much I must add.

I have been warned once about hook turning with toggles. Tuuker and TT both lectured me about it when I tried it out. Today I got another warning. I am really angry at myself. Reasons to do it were so stupid! Sometimes I really doubt my brainwork. This time I didn’t need anyone to lecture me about it. I realized my stupidity totally on my own. Will I learn this time?

Me, whining on MSN how depressive everything is and how I never mess myself into simple things. Me, in bad mood.

“Simplicity is overrated”, states tuuker.

That is it! That is exactly what I needed to hear.

I know that sometimes we are supposed to let go. Just let go and move on. For some reason I never learned to do it. I need closure. I remember things for ages if I don’t get that. I can’t forgive and forget without understanding. I have to take things apart, look at them from every angle and then I put them away for good. I have tried the other way - to just let go, but it doesn’t work so well. Seems like everything has a rubber band connected to it when I try to let go as things keep returning to me. Bumerang. I let go, I try to put it behind me and the moment it returns to me - I explode.

Right now I am tired of fighting. Same thing over and over and over again. Prejudice. How many times do I have to prove that I am not a camel? No logic works. People can be such hypocrites. How do you reason with that? Only time reasons with it if at all, but I am not the most patient character.

I usually don’t care what people think. I have my own way and it doesn’t bother me that others don’t approve it most of the time. But … there is that big “but” in the middle of it. There are some people I value. People I look up to with admiration. People I care about. People I want to care about me. Those are the ones whose opinions matter. I really care what they think of me. Those are the ones who can destroy me with words and sometimes they do.

I know that explanations only make it worse, but I still try. I don’t know how to let go. Yet.

So I am almost packed. Time again to pack up my life and try to head home. 3 weeks from now I hope to arrive. It has been a long journey and some of it is still ahead of me.

There are conversations that seem to stay in the back of my mind for forever. They become part of me and at last I can’t even remember that they were mere conversations to start with.

I remember the warning arutu gave me, what now seems to be a lifetime ago, while we were talking about Rink. He warned me about my nature to see more in people than there is. He knew I always believed in good and I refuse to give up that hope. He told me to be careful or I get hurt in disappointment. I try to keep that warning in my mind all the time. He was right. I tend to hurt myself that way.

I am a dedicated rebel against assumptions. Still I am not pure from expectations myself. I see best in people or if I don’t see it - I still believe that it is there. I shouldn’t. Life and people in it should be taken as they are. I know I see life and people through pink glasses. Acknowledging it is a good step on a learning curve. I am not afraid of mistakes and making them, but I am terrified that I am not able to learn from them.

I got hooked on it.

I feel love
still you’re turning your back on me,
so insecure baby
tell me why can’t you see,
I feel rejected but still I know it’s real,
We are connected that is how I feel.

Everything is super this morning.

Shining sun and yesterdays awesome jumping are working their magic on me.

Today was one of those rare days you may get in autumn. Calm, still day with totally blue sky. I’m so glad we had team training planned for this day!

Finland is beautiful. I love the views every time I drive or even more when I jump. Lakes, hills and forests in every bright autumn colour. Everyone should always take the time under the canopy just to look around for a moment and let it sink into their soul. All those surroundings. They are the ones we also jump for. At least I do.

I keep on wondering how my eyes are constantly turned skywards. I can’t turn away from it. Every colour, every shade, every twinkling star, every cloud makes me feel amazed how marvelous sky can be.

“Fall is beautiful and cold as a bride.” TT

Calendar is about to show 20th and I’m about to go crazy. Let the fun begin! How many things I am able to destroy this time?