Vaike Õiglane

This year started in a mess. In every sense. My emotions were a mess, my life and living space was a mess and my work was a mess. There was not even a one aspect of my life that wasn’t a mess. I sorted it out. On the last day of this year I can say that - I sorted it all out. And it feels damn good!

A year of growing. In every way possible. I have a lot to thank prof. for. Our conversations made this year and they also made me. Not only analyzing. Not only realizing. Not only concluding. Learning and exercising new findings. Applying it back to my life. He is one of those rare individuals who comes along once in a decade to alter your life.

Statistics of this year would be interesting too. I think I spent most of this year somewhere else than home. When I look back it feels like a flow of places. Constantly on the move. And skydiving. I made 299 jumps this year. A lot? Maybe. Last year I was running away from problems in my life and hid in the sky. This year’s number came differently. It came with delight and passion and … with tiny bit of arrogance. I don’t feel like I have to please everybody any more. Learned a lot on that matter too.

And there are some things that I don’t write about. Sad and happy. Meaningful and ignorable. Secret and public. Shameful and prideful. Matters of heart and emotions. I leave all that mess into this year and go on with a clear goal. I know what I want now. I know where I am heading. I am looking forward to the next year. I have dreams to dream and live!

5 jumps. Last one of them really good. It feels good to finish a year with that jump.

It was windy today. Almost all the canopies came pretty much straight down and bigger ones moving even backwards. Gusty and dangerous. It always worries ones mind to see ambulance at the DZ. Huhh. Canopy rides were not the ones to enjoy today.

Tomorrow will be the last day of the Boogie for me. Hoping for the good weather and another 8 great jumps with Milko. I go and talk to the rigger now. Yeah, that intimidating Empuriabrava rigger. My D-ring (reserve ripcord) was found in the city and I have some things I want to say to the rigger. Will see how it goes (if he even is in his nest).

What a day! Milko really keeps us going on a fast pace. 8 great jumps on a wonderful sunny day.

I had my down moments today. I mean down. Like under the formation down :P Dressing for the occasion was a bit rusty on one jump and awareness about people flying under me also wasn’t there on one jump. Anyway, for some reason it felt for the whole day for me that I was slowfalling all the jumps. On most of the videos from today I have my butt up.

Spotting also made me edgy today. It just isn’t comfortable if you wonder every time will you make it back or not. Especially with a ground hungry canopy like Katana. Ou, the Katana 107! I just love it. Today gave me back of lot of self-esteem. I can handle a canopy. I really can! I can land without any wind and love it. It just was scary few times to be in the middle of the city and making it back to DZ with a canopy that I don’t know so well. I can’t seem to put to words how happy I am about having a canopy that flares. Suddenly landings didn’t seem so uncomfortable any more.

Tell or not to tell. Vexing. I seemed to have had all the opinions about the question. I think I changed my mind about the topic monthly, if not weekly or even daily. Question that has followed me from relationship to relationship as long as I can remember. Tell or not to tell and if to tell then how much to tell? Now I am surprised about it. Why did I ever twisted my mind around the question? There is no real concern in it anyway. The answer became to be really simple. Just feel it - and you know it. If you question how much to tell, you don’t trust to tell anything actually.

There is that quote that has been in my mind for months. Haunting. Annoying. Irking.

“We only accept the love we think we deserve”

I have been pondering about it in every way. It makes sense in every way. I think I have screwed up most of my relationships because I believed that I didn’t deserve the love given to me. I also realized looking back that some of my relationships have been screwed up because my partner questioned his worthiness of my feelings. Yeah, there have been some mistakes as well on the way, but I don’t analyze them. They are just plain mistakes.

That quote has opened my eyes in some ways. Helping me to navigate trough the treacherous waves of feelings. I understand them better now and when I catch myself from the “worthiness” doubt - I know how to stop myself. I know the signs which indicate the true underlying meanings of my reactions and appearing feelings.

It is not mine to decide what love I deserve. It is the givers right to decide what they choose to give.

Stand down for a second day in a row. Yesterday was real storm. Rain and winds. Right now it stopped raining, but it is still windy. Weather forecasts keep changing and there is no real idea about what is about to come.

We stayed in. It felt good to curl up into yellow fleece blanket prof. extra brought with him for me and watch some episodes of Smallville. Then snooze off. Sound of rain and wind raging outside always make staying in extra cozy.

It is hard not to use blog for insults, revenge and bad publicity.

Another day. Another 7 jumps and 8 canopies over my head. Great day. Good day. Unbelievably cold day. We had white christmas! At least in the morning the whole DZ was frosted white.

Ronald offered me already yesterday to testjump his Katana 107 if I wanted to. After another landing on my butt today I decided to try it out. I demanded a flaring canopy above my head. Damit! Enough was just enough at that point.

Pull. Canopy opening. Katanas have a really slow openings. All good. Canopy above my head. On heading. I am looking up and pondering for a second what to do. “Näh, can’t land that,” and I cut away. Freebag flying. Ok, prof. went after that. Looking up I can see that Ronald is just about to go after his canopy. I go for the DZ. Flare!!! That PD Reserve flares! I got my wish. Flaring canopy. First emotion after landing is to laugh. It is just so funny to cut away perfectly flying canopy only because Ronald manage to attach it to my rig with a riser twists. I am happy that my second reserve was totally calm. I was so afraid it might be something else.

So. Here we go. As much I didn’t have any feeling of getting here - I am here. Empuriabrava X-mas Boogie 2008.

My mind refused to acknowledge the fact that I am skydiving again. It took me 3 jumps to get back to the feeling. One should not start jumping big-ways right after 2,5 month break. Really. First jump (as I was a late incomer) I ended up being the last diver doing stuff on the outskirts of the formation. Way off from my comfort zone. Considering that it was a first jump after a while - yeah, I did mess up few things a bit. It takes few jumps before my body starts to remember how that skydiving is done. It also takes a mind some time before you get back into good habits.

Most awkward moment today was on the first jump. Pulling. Canopy opening above my head. I looked up and somehow I was unable to believe that it is really open. I was totally feeling like:”Hmm. It is open. No malfunction? How is that possible?”. Really weird moment.

To get me into skydiving spirit again I had to land opposite of landing direction. That was the wake up call on 3rd jump. Before that it all felt euphoric and strange. That stupid mistake snatched me back into usual, normal me.

7 jumps for today. Not bad. Not bad at all! Milko is still awesome. You just have to love him if you are into big-ways. I am a fan. Can’t help it.

I still don’t have any feeling like I am going to be in Empuriabrava tomorrow evening.