Vaike Õiglane

Reading through old e-mails, SMSes. What did I miss and how did I miss it? There are so many things I didn’t notice or I did notice, but interpreted totally differently. So many things …

I feel so out of place. Emotionless. Life is happening outside of me and I don’t feel it. No music sounds right, I don’t feel like eating, sleeping, watching movies, playing, reading, crying … Somehow tears have ended. I was driving home through night without any tears. Nothing. Emptiness. 500 km of thoughts. There and back. No feelings. Just analyzing and thinking. Calculating. Cold, emotionless. Getting there … I had no idea what to say or to do. Till the last minute. I still don’t know what is right or wrong. I can only hope that I did the right thing. Driving back was calmer. No decisions to make. Even no thoughts. I still don’t know what I will decide when the time comes. Somehow it even feels that it isn’t mine to decide any more.

I probably have “fail” written all over me. Relationships. I just fail all of them. That is what hurts the most. Self pity. How the hell did I gave myself permission to … I was too happy. Happiness like that usually only ends badly. I hate my careless emotions that run free. From tears to laugh in the blink of an eye. Too trusting. Too naive. Too stupid.

Why I didn’t have all the facts … why? Toy. How many times have I cried myself to sleep with that thought?

The Damnwells - “Golden Days” playing on repeat. … on my mark get ready, set and run away for good … Do I have anywhere to run any more? How stupid must one be to try and fail so many times and still keep trying?

Time out at least for a month.

Or is it a way out? I offered that too …

I have been naive. I have been believing blindly, when I should have been questioning. I wanted to believe. I went down the easy path and wanted to avoid responsibility. I looked the other way every time there was a hint that I am the guilty one.

Now I have it on black and white. Ask and you shall be answered. It was and is my fault. I am the one to blame. I’ve done everything wrong. I was deceiving myself.

Ou my god! I messed up. Badly. I have to fix it.

Right here, right now - I want out.

How will I feel tomorrow?

It is confirmed. I will be wearing pink suit at the end of September. Kate finished with JFTC slotting.

Watching a movie. Terry Pratchett’s “Colour of Magic”. Nice dialog.

Wizard:”Aren’t you scared of heights?”
Tourist:”No! Why should I be? You are just as dead if you fall from forty feet as a four thousand phantoms. That’s what I say.”
Wizard:”It is not the actual falling. It is more the hitting that worries me.”

Yeah, I am a bit tipsy and all.

If I would have known, would I have made the same choice? Same decision?

Today is not a good day. Not at all. I sit here and the tears keep rolling down my cheeks. I don’t want to be here. In this moment. I regret not having all the information when I made my decisions. Right now I can’t handle it. Right now it is a bit too much. I am on unknown territory and I have no solid ground.

If I would have known … I never know how things would have been.

So many thoughts. So many things I want to write about. So many things in my life.

I can’t. Again I just can’t.

I am a pedant. I am a language pedant. I even demand correct usage of language from people, who are speaking a second language for me. So full of myself! Correcting someone’s mother tongue …

I look fabulous!