Vaike Õiglane

I’ve heard someone say somewhere something like:

“Memories are very romantic when you are young. When you get older, they are like needles stick into your heart.”.

I’ve done lot of sorting, organizing, cleaning, throwing stuff away lately. Last few days have been photos …

I start to get it.

Living it - a day seems like a year.
Looking back - a year seems like a day. Or does it?

I thought I had thrown away all of it. No, I still managed to find some e-mails from arutu. Why did I read them? Out of masochism? Don’t know. I read them and I kept wondering - why it took a year to make a step towards fixing. Too late, too late, too late. I had already snapped.

Now my head is spinning with thoughts again. No, I am not looking for answers any more, but I do compare. A lot. More than I should. With present situation. My conscience keeps nagging at me to learn from experience. Nagging in general. The same question that has been in my head for all this year is still there. How long does it take to find an answer to one simple question? Long, when feelings are in game. I still don’t even know where to begin. Or I do know, even the answers, but I am too afraid to say it out loud as Jean said it. Our last conversation keeps haunting me. It rang true.

Hanging up the phone and listening to the silence of the house underlines the feeling of loneliness. Would I feel lonely without him? No, I won’t. I like my lonely dwelling, but he lured me to pine for his company. When will I snap this time? Or am I already there? To be honest - I don’t know what I want any more. Those dreams have lost their glow. How long can one hold on to tarnished dreams?

I can’t seem to remember any more how it feels to be well. I can’t even imagine to feel well.

Niuts.

I definitely have a friends day today. I got a Valentines Day (it is called a friends day in my part of the world) postcard today from musi. I really wonder where it has circled until now? 6 weeks? Anyway. I got it. Came home from office and there it was. Red envelope and inside of it a postcard with warm words.

I take it back! I take it all back!

Of course I have bad luck because everything in life should be balanced. All my bad luck is balanced out by my amazing friends and pretty interesting life. I am so lucky in so many other ways.

Got a note from post office to come and get a small package. Went to get it. Estonian chocolate (dark chocolate with cherries! my favorite!) and a reflector of little My (for some reason some find me similar to her) from sinisilm. I can’t stop smiling!

Sometimes I am just afraid that I am not capable of being as good friend back.

Just Murphy! I want to settle the score with Murphy. What the hell have I done to deserve such a bad luck all the time? It has been grey and depressing weather for a long period of time here in Finland. Now, that I am sick and in my bed - sun is shining! Wonderful weather that I can’t enjoy. Grrh!

It was spring in full bloom in UK. Really! Everything was in blossoms and it was warm during the day. People walked around in T-shirts (that actually doesn’t show anything in UK as people there never ever dress according to weather), but still … It was spring in UK! Daffodils everywhere. Even the ground was dry enough to sit by the river we found on our walk.

Landing in Tampere brought the harsh truth - it is still winter here. Minus 6 degrees Celsius and snow everywhere. Office parking lot has turned into ice ring. I got my own deal out of that spring sniffing. Usual stuff - fever, stuffed nose … Came home early today and stayed in bed. No energy to even write about the trip and broken mirrors, shoulder trauma, good flying, crazy South Africans etc etc

It has been snowing for two days in Helsinki … I found a Mutts strip to express my feelings about it.

Best moment during this Bedford windtunnel camp was definitely that:

Debrief after flying session. We all sit there and watch at the screen. After first 30 seconds or so suddenly Turo says:”What is wrong with the speed. Is it double speed?” and Lise bursts into laughing saying:”This is you guys! This is how you fly.”.

I had a laugh. Friend’s style “have a good trip” wishes.

G says: I’m gone. Try not to have a fight with Turo ;) Bye

I never quite understood what people have against it. Why they react so strongly about the english greeting “How are you (today)?”? Lately I’ve noticed more than one writing about it in blogs.

When I went to school and learned english then I was taught that this is a greeting and polite way to answer is also “how are you?”. It is same as french have their “ça va?”. That would even translate* into estonian more weirdly as “how are you?”. What is the big problem? We use “tere” in estonian. Finnish use “hei”. Russians use “привет”. Custom. Tradition. You don’t force your own ways onto others because you are preposterous. Or do you? You are in a different culture - deal with it. “How are you?” doesn’t (and never has meant) that you should answer it strictly on a matter.

Reminder on my dashboard says 0 days until Bedford. Flying over to UK tonight and tomorrow. Tomorrow I will be flying in tunnel for 2 hours. HA! That thought really makes me happy, happy, happy.

So, tomorrow morning when I enter Bedford windtunnel premises and anyone will ask me “How are you?”, I will be glad to answer:”I’m fine, thank you. How are you?”.

* “ça va” translates literally “it goes”.