Vaike Õiglane

I can’t write about the things I want to write about because some things have to stay hidden for the time being. There would be so much to write about, but it goes to drafts area for now.

So I take my 39 drafts and write about old stuff. It means there will be a lot of rambling that goes back even few years. Ou and yes, I will rerun Gilmore Girls. Second season is ongoing. How many times have a watched it? 5? 6? 7? That is my remedy and antidepressant.

… and the moment passed. I can take it again. One day at a time. One step at a time. I will get through.

Until that panic hits again.

I am cracking under this stress and pressure. I am not cut out for this. I need light in the end of the tunnel. Desperately. I want it to be over. I want to be able to sleep again. I want to be able to comprehend the risks again. I want to plan for the future. I am so tired of taking care of everything alone. I want teamwork - at home, at work.

I still have a feeling that it will even get worse before it gets better.

With age comes …

… damaged body.

There is something wrong with my back. It is too sensitive to hot and cold. I wonder right now if I get out of bed tomorrow morning.

There is a “show your desktop” move through Estonian blog community. Here are mine :) I have 3 desktops to show.

First is my work computer. Tranquility of homiest dropzone - Gryttjom - after a day of jumping. That keeps me going at work. Reminder of a good days and places.

Next is my laptop. Clean and beautiful. Smallest of the screens - so the icons are bigger.

Last is my home computer. Luis Royo. My favorite throughout years. I love his art and his various works have been my desktop pictures, avatars etc. He is Luis Royo - erotic, sensual and fantastic. This photo is originally in portrait layout and doesn’t fit full on my desktop, but I like the way it looks like that as well.

Yes, I am a Mac user and I don’t like too much stuff on desktop. Just me.

I had a dream last night. I was back in school. The mean girls were mean to me in my dream - as mean as they were in real when we were in school. That is so funny! I am over 30 and I got a dream involving mean girls from school. That is amusing.

I felt the same way in my dream as back in school - confused. I was (and still get) always confused (not hurt or angry or afraid - just confused) about why someone would behave like that without real reasons. It perplexes me when people around me act malicious. I don’t think I will ever learn to understand it.

I feel stupid right now.

Small, tiny things. They have no value or real affect, but they shatter trust so well. They leave your mind wonder about things you didn’t pay any attention just a second ago. I can’t see any logical reason behind not telling. I can’t understand - so I wonder what else I don’t know. Please give me a reason. Whatever reason. Just give one.

I hate the feeling.

I am speechless and bewildered. ELAK members voted me a skydiver of the year 2009. Thank you! It is an honour.

It is Friday! It is Friday! Haaa! 2 days of love, tenderness, talking … and being just plain happy. Yesh! It is Friday!

Talking to my special somebody I caught myself realizing that I have that estonian mentality about women - “a woman has to be able to feed her man and 7 children”. I wonder where does it come from? I grew up in a “normal” family where my father had higher income than my mother etc. I have no reason to have that way of thinking. Yet, I tend to have that mentality in some subconscious way … or … I don’t trust men’s ability to support me.