Vaike Õiglane

I couldn’t take my special somebody’s stuff at my place mocking me every day any more. So I packed it into my car and took an 8 hour trip to deliver it (it was too heavy to send via post). If the mountain won’t come to Muhammad, Muhammad must go to the mountain.

I seem to be in the middle of a game which rules I can’t comprehend. I was expecting everything but this. A month - no e-mail, no call, no SMS. He still has my keys … , but he hasn’t made any contact whatsoever. So I left his stuff behind his door and drove off. Still no contact (hard to believe that he hasn’t found them yet). I am a bit stunned by all of it. There is no logic in it for me (or there is and it hurts too much to verbalize it - I am just nobody).

I haven’t had those guys in my life who would have tried to fix things after a break up. Run after me so to speak. Only my first boyfriend who used to stalk me after breakup behind corners and in hallways and beat the crap out of me because I was moving on with my life. Otherwise I seem to be that bitch that everybody are happy to get away from.

I go and roll over in self-pity now. Nothing else left to do.

All in. That was the way I took my relationship with my special somebody. All in body, soul and future. It backfired naturally. Suddenly rug was pulled out from under me. A bit bad situation considering that I have been wanting to leave my job for some time now and I was just holding up to finish some things and make the plan happen that we had. I didn’t have a real plan B somehow. I mean I always have something in my back pocket, but I didn’t have a detailed plan B.

I had to make some decisions. A lot to do with legal regulations and complicated stuff with multiple companies and countries. I decided to give myself some time. Comfort of old and known. I stay put where I am at least until August. Paperwork was done last week. Time to heal, gather my thoughts, plan and if I get really lucky then figure some things out.

Somehow I have a déjà vu and somehow I don’t. Last time a similar plan backfired on me - I hitchhiked around Europe, spent some time illegally in London and year later came back knowing exactly what I want to do with my life. I have been looking for a new direction for some years now. Maybe I find another soul searching journey out of this hurt? And if I don’t - I will definitely have to work out a new plan for near future anyway. Even if being cornered is stressful I still know that it is a great force to make a person finally move. I need to move. Enough of life “on hold”.

All you had to do is try. Not even succeed.

Imagine … Argument between a man and a woman. A woman has an opinion and defends it. At one point man asks:”Do you have your period?”. A woman slaps* the man and walks away.

From onlooker’s side later that woman would always be remembered as someone who is tempered/emotional or even accused of being violent. The man would never be remembered as a bastard (except by the woman).

Is it only me who keeps bumping onto “lowlifes” like that?

‘ I’ve never done it, but I wish I had. I think that every man, capable of asking that kind of question in any other context than sexual, should be hanged by the balls.

I am happy to report that I have a house fairy. I was already worried that I don’t have him. No mysteriously (dis)appearing things or lost socks. This morning he manifested his existence. I was looking for a pair of socks.

I opened my sock draw and went through all my socks looking for the one specific pair for this -20C gold weather. Couldn’t find them. I looked to all imaginable and unimaginable places, still no socks. Finally I opened my sock draw one more time to find some other socks to wear. Guess what? Yep, yep. On top of everything were the socks I was looking for. Mysteriously appearing as I could swear they were not there before.

I have a house fairy. Proven.

I went to Helsinki’s Zoo one wonderful sunday. Snowy and beautiful. Lioness was out with her puppies and otters were having fun in icy waters. There was a terrarium in tropic house witch tag promised a stick insect. I probably spent some 5+ minutes in front of it trying to find it. I couldn’t. Then I suddenly saw the big sign apologizing that the terrarium is empty …

It is winter here. I plug my car to an electric heater for nights. Did I forget and break it? Yes. I totally forgot to unplug it one morning and started to drive away.

I was stretching one evening legs up against the wall and I was watching “Spread” at the same time. Easy rolling movie. No surprises. It ended with frog scene. Did it make me jerk? Yes. Did I hurt myself? Yep to that too.

I have watched too many movies this month and I am going through stacks of books. Nirti “Ja anna meile andeks meie võlad” is good. I really liked it.

I am finally free of stitches. No more and no more in sight as well. Last year was odd.

I have a 5000 piece puzzle on my floor and I am trying to put it together. It is going fairly slow. I promise a picture near future.

Few days ago I almost got to a car accident. Some car was standing in the middle of the road and I was driving 60 km/h as allowed. I realized too late that he was actually standing still. Good thing the snow has lowered the curbstone transition and sidewalk was empty.

Last week when I was in Tallinn I had to exchange some goods with ELO. I drove there, called her in front of the house to come down as the parking was impossible due to snow. While I waited there I managed to be on a way for 2 cars who wanted to use the gates there. I was already getting a bit anxious that where the hell ELO is when I realized - I was in front of the wrong house.

There was girl’s night at Kertu’s place. Sushi and wine and good company. There was that moment when we were talking about peeling an avocado (Kertu was peeling a fruit in front of me and ELO and I was surprised that it had to be peeled). I was making mental notes about new things I learned about food. Yeah, all that talk until Kertu told us that by the way, this isn’t an avocado she is pealing, it is mango. I can only make one conclusion - don’t send me to kitchen!

I have new glasses. Sinisilm was the good person to finally help me out and get me to choose new frames. Max & Co’s colourless frames got my vote.

… and above all I am not blond any more.

I haven’t let go yet.

What is going on in people’s minds? It can’t be that someone is just cruel because he/she chooses to be. Why and how they come to be like they are? Self-image versus other people’s realities. I don’t believe anyone thinks of themselves as “evil”. There is always some kind of justification.

I was watching “Baby” yesterday.

I would like to know what was my special somebody’s justification for past year. More than a year. What would be the justification holding up that long? I wish to understand. I know he loved me, I know he is not a bad person, but … how come? Road to hell paved with good intentions?

It was an interesting feeling. I stepped outside and next moment it felt like I have ice inside of my nose. Winter.

I flipped coffee machine on. I always put coffee machine ready in the evening so I only have to turn it on in the morning. When it was finished I went to get my coffee. Hmm. Only hot water. Someone had forgotten to add coffee to the machine and that someone was me.

I emptied machine and put a new filter in. Opened fridge door, took a milk cartridge and poured milk on the filter. Seeing white on brown I realized what I was doing. I cleaned the machine again. Now I kept all my thoughts on task of getting coffee. Third time was the charm.