May 16, 2017

yellow butterfly

label: still here — CV @ 12:37 PM

I am feeling so restless. Spring? Stress? Anxiousness? Worry? I have no idea. I just feel so restless all the time.

I keep reminding myself, that everything is good for something, and all the events later line up in a logical order, like everything was supposed to happen exactly that way to bring you to certain point in time and place. I have to believe it, otherwise I would drown (I think). There are less and less anchoring points in my life. Nothing to hold on to. No dreams, no plans and the obligations keep disappearing also.

Loose. I am loose.

Plan C or D or I don’t know which survival back-up plan is already in motion. I am standing still while my days are a blur of activity. Last month has kicked me into action in some ways. I’ve done a lot of stuff that has been on my to-do list for way too long. Deadlines and necessity is a great motivator if there is no other motivation left. It would be so cool to say that I work best under pressure, but the truth is that I only seem to work under pressure.

I saw the first butterfly of this spring. Yellow. Does it count if you see your first butterfly through a car window? Even if you see it twice? Will it be a golden summer or do I have to wait for some other butterfly to fly by? Why do I even believe in butterflies and summer correlations? But I do. I choose to. I want to believe that the first butterfly you see every spring will foretell the nature of your summer – blank, golden, vivid. The same way I choose life, for now. Life is a choice.


April 11, 2017


label: still here — CV @ 8:55 PM

I am washed over with sadness. It makes me sad to be in His proximity and the feeling lingers for days. Why can’t I be angry? It would be so much easier. At least the worst pain is gone and now it just fills me with sadness.

Blue. Not gray, blue.

Edit later: Wishful thinking! Crash, boom, bang.

April 6, 2017

I feel Murphy

label: still here — CV @ 12:58 PM

I feel that Murphy is creeping up on me. Lately too many things have gone astray, but today the feeling is just extremely disturbing.

Edit later: The worst I could have imagined did not happen. It was a weird day anyway.

April 4, 2017

another morning

label: still here — CV @ 1:56 PM


Slowly this date has become one of my favourites during the years. It seems like good things happen to me on this date.

There is spring outside! Sunshine and warmth and you can smell spring in the air. I keep on smiling this morning. I know everything will be OK.

March 31, 2017

another moment

label: still here — CV @ 2:25 PM

There are moments when you would do anything to end the pain. Anything … but nothing seems to help. Today I screamed from the top of my lungs for 15 minutes straight alone in the car. At least something, because at home there are neighbours.

March 30, 2017

just another

label: still here — CV @ 10:06 PM

Eff double morals! Eff it that I am always outside the rules applied (to others). Feels like someone got their revenge on me. FML. I don’t exist. Limbo ghost stuck in between that no one cares about. Except Shapeshifter. She is as real as can be. Reason to live, to try to survive one more day, and then another.

Another day in fog. I look around and wonder wtf is happening or is it really happening in my life. … but yes, it is my life, my reality, my choices. What is OK for others, is frown upon when I do it. I don’t understand those rules of interaction any more. It is all in my head. My problem. My overreacting. Too sensitive, too emotional, too emphatic. My problem.

I don’t want to believe that I am much harder to be with than anyone else. I just don’t seem to be worth the effort. For some reason I give out this impression of being strong or that it is OK to hurt me, as I can take it. Even thou it is as far from the truth as can be. Why is it OK to treat me like that? I feel like I have paid for all the bad things I have done and more. How bad must my karma be?

The world around me seems to be filled with balanced grown ups. Why can’t I be one?

March 28, 2017


label: still here — CV @ 8:59 PM

Since mid January I have not slept more than 6 hours at any night (or day). I’ve been so tired! I’ve tried everything – physical activities, meditating, sleeping pills, alcohol etc. I just couldn’t fall asleep and when I did, I never slept more than 6 hours (mostly even less). I don’t know, unresolved issues I guess. I got information, that I didn’t want, and it triggered my insomnia. Life has been a constant fog for 2 months (and a bit more).

This morning I woke up rested. I finally slept 8 hours last night! Thank you universe for letting me sleep.

March 12, 2017

skydiving season is on

label: still here — CV @ 11:25 PM

I have never before opened my skydiving season so early in the year. March 11th.

I woke up in the morning: the sun was so bright, the sky was so blue and when I asked Shapeshifter “Should we go to the DZ?” the answer was a happy yell of “Yeeee!”; so it was decided – skydiving it is. Pori had discounted jumps and it is only 20min away form where I live. 2 hop & pops from 1000m. It doesn’t matter (at least for me) how many years I have jumped, the opening jumps of the season always bring on the adrenaline rush and the fear.

… and then you are in the air. Thoughts end and the existence kicks in. It all goes as you have practiced so many times – altimeter, arch-reach-pull, the canopy opens, altimeter, location … Freedom! Nothing else exists – you are present.

Then I landed and was greeted by my exited Shapeshifter, who seemed to be enjoying my jumping as much as I did.

December 30, 2016

still pining away

label: still here — CV @ 7:41 PM

Shapeshifter’s birthday party was yesterday and I spent 2 hours in His company.

And today I am in another deep dark hole. I couldn’t get up in the morning (partly because of the sleepless night, partly because of depression) and actually I didn’t. This has not happened for a long time, that I can’t even get out of the bed. I thought I was over Him! I really thought that I am finally in a safe zone, that I can handle seeing Him, dealing with Him. I hate being wrong. Being wrong sucks as it makes you make mistakes and lower your guard. So I spent another day this year today feeling as all light has gone out and nothing matters. Whole year of the same. It ends as it started. Pining away.

There has been some progress. There has been a lot of progress, I know. I usually even feel it, but not today. Today was the last day this year I feel down because of Him. I am not gonna give Him tomorrow.

Few lines from this song, keeps playing in my head.

Hope that you fall in love
And it hurts so bad
The only way you can know
You give it all you have
And I hope that you don’t suffer
But take the pain…

There are moments when I wish I didn’t give all I have. Sometimes I think that He was never worth me or my love, and then I think the opposite again. That’s my burden – I don’t know how to love without giving it my all. This is not the first time I crash like that. It should give me hope, because I have survived the other 2, but the truth is, that the past makes me even more scared. I know how much time/how many years it takes me to get over someone I loved, really loved with everything I had. Also the past was easier, it wasn’t that messy. He is. I am afraid that I will stay alone, because I will be too scared to give my all again. At the same time, I can’t believe that love exist without giving it all. So …

December 27, 2016

shapeshifter is 5

label: still here — CV @ 1:53 AM

I have outdone myself. Me and kitchen – we do not belong together, but today I made a cake for my sweet girl. My first cake ever. Edibility will be seen tomorrow when the jury is up.

5 … Time flies and yet it is standing still. There is so much in every day and moment, and at the same time those moments are a flurry.

There is one thing I have learned in those 5 years – love grows, it actually does.

Happy birthday my shapeshifter! I love you to the end of the universe (so not a single tip of you hair would go unloved as we say).

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